Jack Sh*t's Guide to Healthy Fair Food

 

So it was time for my annual outing to take my daughter Pisa and her pals to the fair. Since she's a "give-me-$$$-and-leave-me-alone-teenager" now, I thought I'd use my free time to explore what healthy eating options the fair has to offer...

Now this is going to come as somewhat of a shock to you, but most of the concession stand workers at the fair can't provide reliable calorie counts for what they're peddling. Luckily, there's a simple solution: just print out this post, shrink it down somehow, laminate it and carry it around with you at all times.

Fried Twinkie

425 calories,  34 g fat

More healthy option: Baked Twinkie - 150 calories.

 

Hog on a Log (bacon-wrapped corn dog)

361 calories, 26 g  fat

More healthy option: Banana on a Bandana - 73 calories

 

Frozen Cheesecake on a Stick

180 calories, 10 g fat

More healthy option: String cheese on a string - 80 calories

Blooming Onion

1320 calories, 72 g fat

More healthy option: Anything

 

Deep Fried Snickers Bar

444 calories, 29 g fat

More healthy option: One Hershey's Kiss - 29 calories

Chili Cheese Fries

670 calories, 46 g fat (9 oz)

More healthy option: Eating your own poo

Chocolate-Dipped Twinkie on a Stick

392 calories, 18 g fat

More healthy option: Chocolate-Dipped Stick - 33 calories

 

Elephant Ears/Funnelcake

760 calories, 44 g fat

More healthy option: Real elephant ear (baked), 125 calories

Turkey Leg

1,136 calories, 54 g fat

More healthy option: Turkey Jerky - 80 calories

Deep Fried Pickles

174 calories, 4 g fat (per pickle)

More healthy option: Duh... regular pickle - 5 calories.

  

Fried Oreo

232 calories, 14 g fat 

More healthy option: Fried celery sticks - waitaminute... you can fry celery sticks?

Fried Mac-N-Cheese

1528 calories, 65 g fat

More healthy option: One hamperful of raw almonds - 26, 220 calories.

Even healthier option: One handful of raw almonds - 164 calories 

Can of cold, refreshing beer

135 calories

More healthy option: Gimme a break! I'm at the fair! 

Hand Sanitizer

0 calories, 0 g fat

Eat all you want!

So there you go! Have a rockin' good time at the fair,
but just keep in mind that somewhere there's a scale with your name on it...

Note: Calorie and fat counts were done using a combination of internet research and a scientific process known as "guesstimation". Your mileage may vary.

THE DAILY SCALEY

 No fair...

What I Learned at the Fair...

 

The other day, I played hooky from work and took my daughter Pisa and her pal to the fair. She's 12 years old now, so we're past the holding hands and "Look at me, Daddy!" days. Now it's "I'll text you when we run out of money," so I had a nice few hours of strolling around outdoors on a gloriously beautiful day and taking away a bunch of life lessons (Lesson #1: Bring sunscreen, dumbass!).

 

It turns out that some foods that you wouldn't necessarily think are bad for you are bad for you.

 

Things aren't always as easy as they look.

 

You gotta stick your neck out if you want to get anywhere in this world.

 

There's no reason to pay extra to view strange people; just look around you.

 

There are moments when it's nice to rise above it all.

 

Stay in school.

 

 *Insert your own life lesson here*

 

Life... health... weight... you're always on a roller coaster.

 

Just because you can do something doesn't mean that you should do it.

 

The bigger the prize, the less likely it is that you're gonna win.

But that doesn't mean you shouldn't play!

 

Wherever you go, there's always somebody guessing how much you weigh.

 

Necessity is the mother of invention.

 

All that is gold does not glitter, and all that looks like fresh corn doesn't taste like fresh corn.

Sometimes you find enchanting surprises in the least likely places.