• Hire a professional flirter to just stand there and talk to you the entire time so that no one else has chance to approach you (I charge $15 an hour, plus expenses).
• Pin your “Abstinence Contract” on your back.
• Most of the time, one taser shot to the groin will make a dude lose his interest in you.
• Refrain from doing the rowing machine topless.
• Repeat everything guy says to you in funny cartoon character voice.
• “I admire a man who isn’t afraid to hit on a mafia kingpin’s wife. Uh oh, is that Johnny ‘Bonecrusher’ Bottego over there?”
• Wear an astronaut helmet and tin-foil leg warmers.
• “What time is it? I have a rare disease that makes me vomit violently every 15 minutes.”
• Spin around the room carrying a 30-lb kettlebell.
• Exercise really, really hard so that your clothes are all sweaty. Ewwwwww!
THE DAILY SCALEY
