Thursday, October 5, 2017

Tips You Can Use (to Lose)

• To reduce your sodium intake, replace the salt in your salt shaker with poison.


• Strap two scales to your feet so that you can always tell at a glance how much you weigh.

• When preparing mashed potatoes, substitute skim milk for the regular milk and skim potatoes for the regular potatoes.

•  At the grocery store, take the wheels off your shopping cart.


• Adopt a funny mouse who runs up and steals your cheese every time you try to eat some.

• Chew your food at least twice before swallowing.


•  When you weigh in, try to let your soul slip out of your body momentarily; no one’s sure exactly how much your soul weighs, but it’s gotta weigh something. Am I right or am I right?


• The optimum number of chicken wings to eat in one sitting is… wait, let me re-check my math… let’s see, carry the one, divide the numerator into the denominator… and there’s your answer:  zero.

• If you’re working at a chocolate factory and the conveyor belt starts speeding up, for God’s sake, just notify your supervisor. We’ve been having trouble with that conveyor belt for months!


3 comments:

  1. My Nana used to actually work at a chocolate factory. Yes, she was a bit chubby and spent her life on Weight Watchers. She said she often got asked if she ever got sick of eating chocolate. The answer, of course, was NO.

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  2. Oh, and I love the idea of strapping scales to your feet. Someone should invent shoe-scales. I think people would actually buy them.

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