Thursday, September 10, 2015

No Country for Fat Men

Sugar: How much?

Jack: King-sized Kit Kat bar. One dollar, 69 cents.

Sugar: And the gas.

Jack: I guess you’re not worried about your weight…

Sugar: What weight would that be?

Jack:  Well, that bad boy right there is right at 500 calories.

Sugar: What business is it of yours’… how much I weigh… Jack-O?

Jack: Oh, I didn’t mean nothin’ by it. It’s just that there’re 17 grams of saturated fat, too.

Sugar: Didn’t mean nothin’…

Jack: Just passin’ the time… if you don’t wanna accept that, then I don’t know what else I can do for you…. Except possibly mention that 17 grams of saturated fat represents 85% of a daily recommended intake.

(awkward silence)

Jack: Will there be something else?

Sugar: I don’t know. Will there?

Jack: Is something wrong?

Sugar: With what?

Jack: With anything?

Sugar: Is that what you’re asking me? Is there something wrong with anything?

Jack: Well, I just felt like I ought to point out that this food is high in saturated fat, and a large portion of the calories come from sugars. Anyway, will there be anything else?

Sugar: You already asked me that!

Jack: Oh, well… I need to see about closing now.

Sugar: See about closing?

Jack: Yessir, it’s time for me to go work on my blog.

Sugar: What time do you blog?

Jack: Now. I blog now.

Sugar: Now is not a time. What time do you blog?

Jack: Generally around dark. At dark.

Sugar: -sigh- You don’t know what you’re bloggin about, do you?

Jack: Sir?

Sugar: I said you don’t know what you’re blogging about. (pause) What time do you go to bed?

Jack: Sir?

Sugar: You’re a bit deaf, aren’t you? I said what time do you go to bed?

Jack: Ohhhh… somewhere around 9:30… I’d ummm… somewhere around 9:30. I believe that it’s important to get plenty of rest so that I have adequate energy to work out bright and early the next day.

Sugar: I could come back then.

Jack: When I work out? That would be awesome! You could be my workout buddy. I’ve always wanted a workout buddy!

Sugar: Ummm, I don’t think so.

Jack: Well, uh… I got to blog now.

Sugar: This healthy living crap is important to you, isn’t it? You really believe in it?

Jack: Yes, I do.

Sugar: You’ve been overweight all your life.

Jack: Just since I was a baby.

Sugar: You were born into it.

Jack: Well, obviously genetics had something to do with it, but I blame poor choices on my part for the rest.

Sugar: You were born into it.

Jack: If that’s the way you wanna put it…

Sugar: I don’t have some way to put it. That’s the way it is.

(Really creepy awkward pause)

Sugar: What’s the most you ever lost in a coin toss?

Jack: Sir?

Sugar: The most you ever lost on a coin toss?

Jack: Well, in college I had to do my roommate’s laundry for a month… stupid two-headed nickel!

(flips coin)

Sugar: Call it.

Jack: Call it?

Sugar: Yes.

Jack: For what?

Sugar: Just call it.

Jack: You’re starting to really freak me out, buddy.

Sugar: You need to call it. I can’t call it for you. It wouldn’t be fair.

Jack: I think I get it: if I win, I get to go on with my weight loss blogging and healthy living journey and if I lose, the authorities find me stuffed into an oil drum out back. Did I get close?

Sugar: Call it!

Jack: Y’know, I read in Dynamical Bias in the Coin Toss, some experts lay out the theory and practice of coin-flipping is really a 51-49 proposition, if not worse. The sacred coin flip exhibits (at minimum) a whopping 1% bias, and possibly much more. One percent may not sound like a lot, but it's more than the typical casino edge in a game of blackjack or slots.  
Sugar: What are you babbling about?

Jack: For instance, if the coin is tossed and caughtit has about a 51% chance of landing on the same face it was launched.

Sugar: Call it.

Jack: If the coin is spun, rather than tossed, it can have a much-larger-than-50% chance of ending with the heavier side down. Spun coins will fall tails-up 80% of the time.

Sugar: Call it, bitch!

Jack: Alright… heads then.

(Coin shows heads)

Sugar: Well done. – Don’t put it in your pocket,

Jack: Sir?

Sugar: Don’t put it in your pocket; it’s your lucky quarter.

Jack: Where do you want me to put it?

Sugar: Anywhere, not in your pocket. Keep it as a reminder that every day on this earth is a gift, and that you should strive to take the best care of yourself as you are able. And if you don’t do that, I’ll probably come back and we’ll do that oil-drum thing.

Jack: Alrighty. Have a great day! And enjoy that Kit-Kat bar!

1 comment:


Related Posts with Thumbnails