Since a recent scientific study showed that people who sit more than six hours a day are as good as dead, I decide to stand up for an entire day and live-blog my heroic efforts. Stand by (get it?) for further updates!
(8:35 a.m.) I institute a morning recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance for everyone in my office, which gives me good (and patriotic) reason to stand. So far, so good.
(9:05 a.m.) Back at my office, I decide to stand at my desk and have a cup of java. Unfortunately, I spill coffee all over my stomach as my arm is used to absent-mindedly swig my drink at a certain height. Dammit, this will take some getting used to.
(10:25 a.m.) Calves cramping. Ask Kyle the intern to come in and massage baby oil into them. Awkward silence.
(10:45 a.m.) Stand-all-day plans face first hurdle in restroom when I realize that there are certain things that aren’t meant to be done standing.
(10:55 a.m.) Call Kyle into office. Tell him to grab roll of paper towels and a can of Scrubbing Bubbles and see what he can do about mess somebody left in stall two.
(12:15 p.m.) Lucky break! Stains on shirt from trying to eat soup for lunch while standing cover most of earlier coffee stains.
(1:30 p.m.) Budget meeting. I’m only one standing, so everyone assumes I have something to say. I recite speech from Braveheart: “Fight and you may die. Run and you will live at least awhile. And dying in your bed many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that for one chance, just one cahnce, to come back here as young men and tell our enemies that they may take our lives but they will never take our freedom!”
(2:15 p.m.) Stand in front of vending machine for ten minutes trying to remember what Skittles taste like.
(2:42 p.m.) Wouldn’t spring for gizmo to raise my computer keyboard to standing height, so am using word recognition software to dictate my blog post. So far, so guard. Whip, this damp think isn’t warping lamp it’s support two. Gob tonic!
(3:11 p.m.) This is getting very difficult. Put Kyle on standby to catch me if I fall over.
(3:25 p.m.) Come to sudden realization that I might not have thought this plan all the way out as I try to come up with some way to combine my stand-all-day plans with my afternoon nap.
(4:10 p.m.) Getting a headache from dogs barking nearby. Oh wait… that’s my feet.
(4:30 p.m.) One more meeting to get through: interview for Kyle’s replacement. I think I’m gonna make it!