The Cat in the Fat

Note: After six months of producing original content for this blog each and every day, I’ve finally decided to knock off one day a week. Chris at A Deliberate Life suggested that I re-run some of my favorite posts, so I decided to make Saturdays a “Same Old Sh*t” day. This well-received piece was one of my first forays into the little-mined field of weight-loss parody poetry.

The Cat in the Fat

The sun did not shine,
Hadn’t shined in a bit,
For the fellow the blogging world
Knows as Jack Sh*t.

He sat there so sadly.
He sat there unhappily.
And he said, “How I wish
I didn’t eat quite so crappily.”

Too big to go out
And too fat to play ball.
So he sat at his desk
And did nothing at all.

And all he could do was to
Sit!
Sit!
Sit!
Sit!
And it left him feeling
Like a big lump of sh*t.

And then
Something went bump!
How that bump made him jump!

He looked!
Then he saw it pop onto his screen.
A web site
On weight loss and low-fat cuisine.
And it said to Jack,
"C’mon, let’s break this routine.”

"I know you are chubby.
And there’s work to be done
But you can drop poundage
And still have some fun."

"Have no fear!" said the site.
"I will not let you fail.
I will give you new confidence
When you stand on that scale."

"In order to lose weight,
There’s two things you must do.
And I call these two things
Thing One and Thing Two."

"Thing One is 'eat less.'
Stuff less food in your mouth.
Cuz what goes in up North
Often winds up down South."

"'Exercise more' is Thing Two
And please don’t forget.
You won’t dump the plump
Without sweating some sweat."

"Follow Thing 1 and Thing 2
And you won’t stay a fat hog.
Why, if you wanted to you could
Write your own blog."

"Chronicle your journey
As you step away from the abyss
Fill it with wisdom
(And a few stupid lists)."

So I vowed to eat right,
I started to move.
And soon I was in my own
Little weight-losing groove.

And my blog’s doing great.
I may never get rich,
But it seems to have found
Its own special niche.

So this cat’s on his way,
He just won’t ever quit.
You can follow his story
(Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit).

I hope you enjoyed this,
All silly and Seuss-y.
But I may need a lawyer,
When somebody sues me.

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