I Found My Blog From Third Grade!

Healthy Holidays!

‘Twas right before Christmas, 

When all through the house

Not a veggie was visible, 

Not even brussel sprouts;

Just cookies and candy and all sorts of treats.

Let’s hope that St. Fit will bring healthier eats.

Signs You’ve Got a Little Too Much Holiday Spirit

• When Starbucks barista asks for name to write on cup, you reply: “This cup is red to signify the blood of Jesus, the reason for this blessed season. MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

• You work in a gingerbread cubicle.

• Your Pandora app died from Christmas music overload.

• You don’t believe there is such a thing as an “ugly” Christmas sweater.

• You bake so many cookies that your oven hasn’t been turned off since Thanksgiving.

• You sob inconsolably when it doesn’t snow on Christmas Eve.

• You got in trouble at work for running aluminum foil through the shredder to make tinsel.

• You jingle all the way.

• You go to donate blood and the nurse pumps out a quart of egg nog.

• You’ve already started shopping for Christmas 2016.

How to Tell You’re Lacking Holiday Spirit

• You hocked a loogie into the Salvation Army bucket.

• You screamed “Just coffee! No gingerbread, no peppermint, no pumpkin spice! JUST COFFEE, DAMMIT!” at a Starbucks barista.

• Christmas song coming on the radio causes you to swerve into oncoming traffic.

• Your letter to Santa is just a long string of obscenities.

• Your contribution to the holiday cookie exchange is an old half-eaten package of Fig Newtons.

•  While watching It’s a Wonderful Life, you start thinking about what a raw deal Ol’ Man Potter got.

• You slammed the door on a group of carolers.

• You do all your holiday shopping at a truck stop gift shop.

• Holiday family newsletter includes a bunch of DUI mugshots.

• You tell coworker, “I like your ugly Christmas sweater; it matches your face.”

• You taped a sprig of mistletoe to your ass.

BAD. BADDER. WORSTEST.

BAD: You sample one of the Christmas cookies you’re baking.
BADDER: You wolf down all the cookies that don’t come out perfect.
WORSTEST: You sit in the kitchen floor and eat an entire bowl of batter.

BAD: You’ve succumbed to a peppermint bark addiction.
BADDER: While in line at Starbucks to get Peppermint Mocha Latte, you’re plotting route on your phone to the next closest Starbucks to get another Peppermint Mocha Latte.
WORSTEST: Doc informs you that your blood type is “O positively peppermint”.
  
BAD: You’ve drunk your weight in eggnog.
BADDER: You’ve thrown out all other food in your fridge so that you can keep more eggnog on hand.
WORSTEST: CNN does story about worldwide eggnog shortage and your name comes up repeatedly.
 
BAD: You had to poke a new hole in your belt.
BADDER: You wear sweatpants to Christmas Mass.
WORSTEST: You had to let out your Santa Claus costume.

BAD: You’ve got Advent calendar with Hershey kiss for each day in December.
BADDER: You’ve got Advent calendar with chocolate chip cookie for each day in December.
WORSTEST: You’ve got Advent calendar with cheeseball for each day in December.

BAD: You can’t stand up to watch entire holiday parade.
BADDER: Other carolers point out that your mouth is full of taffy.
WORSTEST: You go for sleigh ride and two horses keel over dead.

BAD: You popped a button.
BADDER: You ripped your pants.
WORSTEST: You broke Santa’s lap.

BAD:  You ate half a fruitcake.
BADDER: You chugged a quart of boiled custard.
WORSTEST: You ate the cookies your children left out for Santa… while they watched.

BAD: Pants are entirely too tight.
BADDER: You’ve had to cut the necks out of all your turtleneck sweaters.
WORSTEST: You can’t find a shawl that fits.

BAD: You’ve decided to put off your healthy living quest until the new year.
BADDER: Gym is so busy in January that you’ve decided to wait until it clears out some.
WORSTEST: Decided that 2016 can just go to hell. 

My Experience at the Hot-Dog Eating Contest

Annr: Welcome to this year’s fair and our annual hot dog eating competition. We have some fantastic competitors here today and I’m sure that…

Jack: Excuse me…

Annr: Ummm… can I help you, son?

Jack: Yeah, I’m competing today.

Annr: Yeah, well I hope you brought your appetite. Let’s give this man a hand, ladies and gentlemen.

Jack: I was just hoping I could get some veggie dogs instead of these.

Annr: Veggie dogs?

Jack: Y’know, hot dogs produced completely from non-meat products. They’re much lower in fat and calories, plus they contain no cholesterol and little to no saturated fat compared to hot dogs from animal meat.  

Annr: I suppose you’ll want gluten-free buns, too.

Jack: No, but I do prefer whole wheat. Whole grains contain more nutrients than you get with refined or enriched grains. They’re also absorbed more slowly than foods made from enriched or bleached flour, so they raise glucose and insulin levels less and keep you feeling fuller longer.

Annr: Look, we’re running behind here, son. Now contestants… on your mark, get set…

Jack: One last thing: do we have any low-sodium mustard around here?

Annr: Ummmm…

Jack: I’m just kidding… game on!

Annr: On your marks… get set… GO!

IMAGINE INSANE CHOMPING NOISES HERE

Annr: Uh, Jack? You better get moving, son. You’re falling waaaay behind.

Jack: I like to eat more slowly. Did you realize that it takes approximately 20 minutes from the time you start eating for your brain to send out signals of fullness? Leisurely eating allows ample time to trigger the signal from your brain that you are full. And feeling full translates into eating less.

Annr: This might not be the event for you, son…

Jack: See, I’m feeling full after just this one.

Annr: Well, maybe you’re a winner after all.