Call Me... Confush*t

Confush*t say...

…a 5 a.m. workout is like a pig’s tail. It’s twirly. 

…person who make weight loss podcast likes to talk diet-y.

…person who drink beer generally doesn’t lose weight, but it’s on a case-by-case basis.

…person who get vinegar in ear soon suffer from pickled hearing.

…person who put too much dressing on sandwich mayonnaise some self-control.

…person who become overweight find it’s something that just snacks up on you.

…person who eat too much seafood may think it’s salmon chanted evening but end up feeling pretty eel.

…person who eat too many eggs can quiche a good cholesterol check-up goodbye.

…person who becomes vegetarian may find it a missed steak.

…person who drinks too much at night has to worry about the mourning after.

…person who has an organic garden tills it like it is.

…person who eat too much cream sauce needs to take break for the Hollandaise.

…person who consume too much hamburger suffer from beefer madness.

…person who read Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit every day get blogged down in stupidity.  

Confush*t believes that you and you alone

are the one who controls your own density.

After all, nothing dentured, nothing gained.

Confush*t's motto:
Don't sweat the petty stuff, pet the sweaty stuff
or stuff the cheesy puffs.

Excuses for a Bad Weigh-in

• Water weight... I accidentally drank some water

• Forgot where my

gym is located

• Gravity extra strong on weigh-in day

• Breaking in a new scale

• Letting my hair grow out

• Weight Watchers conspiracy

• Friends let me down

• Wearing my Kevlar underwear

• Bad voodoo

• Too heavy for treadmill to move

• Drank too much gravy

• Obama and his Socialistic agenda

• Didn’t know they’d be serving wedding cake at the wedding

• The regrettable marshmallow incident

• Spider got in my gym bag

• Stumbled into a charity fish fry

• Sleep-snacking

• Amnesia made me forget about diet

• Accidentally locked self in snack closet

• Coworker brought in brownies and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings

• Listened to a lot of music that made me hungry

• Misplaced my muzzle

• Actually lied about my weight last week

I'm Pretty Sure I Could Be Trying Harder

• Lately, I’ve been spending more on wine than on my mortgage.

• Little old lady at the gym asked to use barbells when I was done with them.

• My latest weight-loss manifesto included eleven references to Pop-Tarts.

• I ran a half- half- half- half- half- half- half-marathon. 

• Instead of using scale, have started “guesstimating” my weight.

• Replaced 100 nightly sit-ups with trying to stuff 100 Oreo’s in mouth at one time.

• I’ve worn out my Lazy-Boy recliner.

• Last month, watched entire Netflix library.

• Yesterday, I counted watching a Bowflex commercial as my daily workout.

• Thought I was eating fat-free Greek yogurt, but turns out it was Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby. 

• Starting driving down to end of driveway to get the morning paper.

• Daily journal just reads: “Blah blah blah blah blah.”

• Counted can of vanilla frosting as a serving of fruit.

• I’m bench-pressing same amount as my friend One-Armed Johnny.

Cuttin' Grass and Losin' Ass!

I decided to dictate today’s blog post to my smartphone while mowing the lawn, because I believe it’s healthier to be outside getting some exercise than sitting in my study cranking out another blog post: 

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR and RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR bonus points RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR. 

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 RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR underwearRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ants on a log RRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR sequential RRRRRRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR party pants.

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Okay, that didn’t work out so well, but I think the gist of it was something about how I believe it’s healthier to be outside getting some exercise than sitting in my study cranking out another blog post.  

The Once and Future Me

“I come from the future!” said the voice dramatically.

It was odd… the person standing in front of me in the parking lot looked exactly like me, except he was dressed a little differently.

“Ummm, I’m running late,” I said, shoving past him. People are always stopping me in the parking lot and wanting to chit-chat. 

“Stop!” commanded the voice, even more dramatically. “I come bearing a message… (dramatic pause) FROM THE FUTURE.”

“Let me guess,” I frowned. “You’re Year-From-Now Jack and you’ve come back to inspire me to kick my healthy living journey into a higher gear?”

“Not so much,” Future Jack shrugged. “I’m actually from tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” I said, scratching my head.

“TOMORROW,” he boomed dramatically.

“Like ‘tomorrow’ figuratively or ‘tomorrow’ literally?” I asked.

“You know, I still get those two mixed up,” answered Future Jack. “Like, I just tweeted that I ran on the treadmill until my heart literally exploded...”

“I hope you’re not here to tell me to live life as if I were going to die tomorrow,” I said sternly. “Because last time somebody told me to do that, I maxed out my credit card at Brookstone.”

“But you needed that spinning tie rack and helicopter-mounted digital camera,” argued Future Jack. 

“Why are you here then?” I asked.

“To give you this reminder,” smiled Future Jack. “The tomorrow you’re committed to doesn’t start with me; it starts with you.”

“How’d you get so smart?” I asked.

He gave me a smile and a wink: “I’m older than you.”

Healthy Health Tips for a Healthy Office

• Ask receptionist to replace bowl of candy on front desk with platter of fresh chard.

• Don’t make out with any co-workers who exhibit cold or flu symptoms.

• Studies have found that some privacy at work can boost job performance and satisfaction, so hide out in the supply closet for at least an hour a day.

• Staring at a computer screen all day can cause your eyes to get tired and dry, so spend a few minutes each hour crying inconsolably.

• During long business meetings, try to organize a quick hoe-down; square dancing burns a surprising amount of calories!

• You can tell if you are choosing the right ergonomic office chair if the price tag makes you say “errrrrrg!”

• Preparing your meals and snacks for the next day the night before is a good idea. Eating those meals and snacks in the driveway on your way to work is not.

• Stand while you’re on hold when you’re on the phone with Comcast, but only attempt this if you’re in good enough shape to be on your feet for 12 hours or more.

Things You Never Want to Hear From the Doc

•  “Hey, Fatty.”
• “You’re still alive? Damn, I lost a bet.”
  
• “Bend back over. I think I lost my watch.”
  
• “Nurse, can you bring out the industrial scale?”
  
• “Well, maybe we can tie two paper gowns together.”
  
• “Turns out those ‘diet pills’ you ordered on the internet were really Mexican jumping beans.”
  
• “Your bloodwork doesn’t show anything troubling, but your cheesework indicates a lot of problems.”
  
• “No, we don’t normally see blood pressure gauges explode like that…”
  
•  “I’ve scheduled you a heart attack next Thursday.”
  
• “I’m gonna need you to scarf down as many chips and cupcakes as you can and… wake up, wake up. You’re dreaming…”
  
• “Can you move your head to the right and the left for me? Good, now can you do that anytime anyone offers you dessert?”
  
• “You’ll be fine as long as you quit eating everything you like.”
  
• “Your cholesterol… hmmmm, how should I best say this? It sucks.”
  
• “In medical terms, your glutius is very maximus.”
  
• “How do you feel about giving yourself shots and taking dozens of pills every day?”
  
• “Good news! I’m gonna make a lot of money on your case.”
  

Healthy Quotes from Disney Movies

“You control your density — you don’t need magic to do it. There are no magical shortcuts to solving your obesity problems.” – Merida, Brave

“Just keep swimming! Just keep swimming! Fifty laps three times a week is a great way to stay fit.” – Dory, Finding Nemo

“The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all. And it only has 20 calories per serving.” – The Emperor,Mulan

“Even miracles take a little time. And believe me, honey: getting you down to goal weight is gonna take a little time.” Fairy Godmother, Cinderella

 “The seaweed is always greener in somebody else’s lake. Plus, it’s low in fat and packed with soluble fiber, which helps control blood sugar levels and keeps your bowels moving.” – Sebastian, The Little Mermaid

“My daddy never did eat what he wanted. But he ate what he needed. That’s why he was such a fit and healthy fellow.” – Tiana, The Princess and the Frog

“Sometimes the diet path is not the healthiest one.”

– Grandmother Willow, Pocahontas

“I think it's time to say goodbye to Prince Ass-booboo.” – Jafar, Alladin

“Remember: Always let your conscience be your guide and don’t eat a jumbo bag of corn chips every day”. – Jiminy Cricket, Pinocchio

“Reach for the sky! Now reach for the floor! Now do that 100 times!” – Woody Toy Story

 “Keep your chins up, someday there will be healthiness again.” – Robin Hood, Robin Hood

 “What do you do eat things so wrong? Oh! You sing a song! And you don’t wear a thong!” - Snow White, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

I'm Covered Up

Hope to get back to semi-regular blogging soon;
there's just too many projects (and food) on my plate right now.