Tips for Getting More Sleep

• Change into pajamas on your drive home from school or work.

• Keep a giant wooden mallet on your nightstand and give yourself a stiff konk on the head at bedtime, just hard enough to knock yourself out but not so hard that you do serious damage.

• Eat supper in bed.

• Fix yourself a steaming cup of herbal NyQuil.

• Use a really comfortable pillow dipped in chloroform.

• If you’re using a vertical mattress, try switching to a horizontal one.

• Quit brushing your teeth with Red Bull.

• Keep your bedroom quiet, dark, and comfortable instead of loud, bright and uncomfortable.

• Cut out at least one of your after-dinner naps.

• Read the guidelines from the National Sleep Foundation… talk about boooooring.

• Visualize something restful, such as sheep taking a bath in warm milk.

• The amino acid tryptophan is a natural sedative, so eat three or four turkey legs right before bedtime.

The World Is Flat

Before the smart people figured out that the world was globey, map-makers designated the edges of their flat world with the image of horrible sea monsters.

The crafty cartographers were simply using a graphic representation for the unknown; however,  cautious sailors kept on the lookout for giant dragons on the horizon.

Boundry-guarding serpents have been on my mind lately because my world is flat, oh so very, very flat.

When I exercise too much, I find my appetites stoked to no end.

No exercise, and I eat away my frustrations and lack of energy.

I know that balance is what I'm searching for, but some days it seems so easy to lose my bearings.

And as this site has gained a larger readership, I find myself spending more and more time creating content for it. Sometimes at the expense of doing something that might involve less sitting on my tailbone.

And while they should shock me back toward the center of my flat world, sometimes disappointing results send me spiraling closer to the edge.

My world is flat, the edges patrolled by vicious monsters, but I am once again trying to situate myself.

Safely in the center.

It’s Time to Stop the Fatness

Weekly weigh-in: 252.5
Loss: +1.1


Total loss: -39.0

Emotion: Mad as Hell and I'm not gonna eat it anymore!

It’s a little frustrating, this two-step I’ve been doing with the scale lately.

Overeating. Underachieving.

Overblogging? (possibly). Underwhelming effort? (certainly)

Overdoing it. Underdoing it.

And all that combines for a mushy middle.

I might just have to do something drastic… like eat less and exercise more.

It’s time to get fit or get off the pot.

Health Tips for Pregnant Ladies

• It takes about 55,000 total extra calories to make a healthy baby, so a couple of trips to McDonald’s ought to take care of it.

• Calcium is very important so make sure to get plenty of low-fat/ nonfat milk, fortified soymilk or Milky Way bars in your diet.

• All fish contains mercury, a toxic metal that can cause serious nervous system damage, so whatever you do, don’t go fishing!

• Focus on iron-rich foods, such as iron casserole, chicken-fried iron or iron rings.

• It’s okay to drink alcohol while pregnant, just as long as you don’t mind a few irreversible birth defects.

• This isn’t the time to experiment with crazy, unbalanced diets. Wait until the baby is born to try that new “Donut and Dishwater” diet.

• You should definitely not smoke during pregnancy; however, if you insist on smoking, smoke one of those long Lord of the Rings pipes because I think that would be kind of funny.

• Eat foods high in folic acid but avoid foods high in regular acid.

• If your water breaks, that's a sign that it's time to leave the blackjack table (unless you're really on a hot streak).

• Do not partake in anything that can raise your body temperature too high, such as hot tubs, saunas or watching me dance around the living room in my little cowboy outfit.

I Need a Weight Loss

Where has all my mojo gone,
And where is all my will?
I just ate a pound of cheese.
What the hell’s my deal?
Isn’t there a web site to get my act more straight?
Late at night, I snack and eat and hate
That I gain weight.

I need a weight loss.

I'm holding out for a weight loss at the end of the week.

I’ve gotta be strong

And I’ve gotta be smart
If I wanna improve my physique.

I need a weight loss.

I'm holding out for a weight loss right there on the scale.
I’ve gotta be good,
And I’ve just gotta move,
And I gotta drink water as well.



Somewhere after midnight,

In my wildest fantasy.

There’s some chips within my reach,
And some cheese dip there for me
.
Crunching on the munchies, and dipping in the dip.
It’s gonna take a Superman to help me not to slip.

I need a weight loss.

I'm holding out for a weight loss at the end of the week.
I’ve gotta be strong,

And I’ve gotta be smart,

If I wanna improve my physique.

I need a weight loss.

I'm holding out for a weight loss there on the scale.

 I’ve gotta be good,
And I’ve just gotta move,
I don’t wanna be big as a whale!
I need a weight loss!
I’m holding out for a weight loss at the end of the week.



Up where I don’t wanna be,
But I’m making my move.
I think I’m finally gonna break free.
I can swear that my scale is right here

Watching me.



Through the days and the weeks and the years,
Through the ups and the downs.
I can feel my approach
Is gonna shed me some pounds.

I need a weight loss.

I'm holding out for a weight loss at the end of the week.

I’ve gotta be strong,

And I’ve gotta be smart

If I wanna improve my physique.
I need a weight loss.

I'm holding out for a weight loss right there on the scale.
I’ve gotta be good

And I’ve just gotta move
I tell ya, I’m gonna prevail!

I need a weight loss!

The Song of Jackawatha



With apologies to Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 By the shore of Gimme Gimme,
By the just-served Big-Ass-Nachos,
At his table at Buffalo Wild Wings,
In the pleasant Summer evening,
Jackawatha sat and ated.

All the screens were full of b-ball, 

All the food was brown and fried, 

And before him through the mealtime,
Passed the greasy appetizers.
Beers all golden served by waitress,
Pass the wings, the honey-sauces.
Burning, fatt’ning, almost halftime.

Large below him shown his beer gut,
Sweater tight against his chest.
And in his heart came understanding,
Sparking, flashing in his small brain;
From his place, the food pushed back
Took a long drink of the water,
A healthy future lay before him.
Take another drink of water.

From the brow of Jackawatha,

Gone was every trace of sorrow, 

As he finished off the water,
And had the food taken off the table. 

With a smile of joy and triumph, 

With the weight of expectation, 

As of one who in a vision 

Sees how fit he is to be, (but not yet), 

Stood and strode on Jackawatha.

Weight Loss Tips for Weight Losers

• Instead of calories, try consuming something else.

• 

To help remind you to exercise every day, wear workout clothes over your regular ones.



• Remember: "Be like Harry Potter and always drink your water" (I'm pretty sure J.K. Rowling would back me up on this one).



• If you can't afford fresh fruits and vegetables, try writing and selling a screenplay about an undercover cop that plays by his own rules.



• Use the first half of your lunch hour walking and, I suppose,  the second half walking back.



• A really easy way to eat healthier is to hire a personal shopper to purchase all your groceries and a personal chef to prepare all your meals.



• Replace regular fruit with whole wheat fruit.

• 

If you're carrying something heavy during your weigh-in, consider setting it down for a minute.



• Whenever you see a pizza, make a mental image of a Dharma Wheel, which represents the endless cycle of birth and rebirth in Buddhism. The wheel moves from country to country in accordance with changing conditions and people’s karmic inclinations. Buddha’s teachings are said to be wheel-like because, wherever they spread, the people in that area have the opportunity to control their minds by putting them into practice. Or you could just not eat the pizza.



• One way to make yourself run more is to get chased by a mean dog.



• There's one thing that all diets have in common: they're called "diets". I realize that may not help you, but I thought it was interesting. 



• The best way to respond to hurtful comment about your weight is to simply ignore the person, but later send an "apology" from him or her to the IRS for cheating on taxes.

Sh*tsanity: Why I Am the Jeremy Lin of Weight Loss

Jeremy Lin is an Asian who plays basketball.

I sometimes watch basketball while eating Asian food.



Two weeks ago, most of the world didn't know who Jeremy Lin was.

Two weeks ago, nobody knew who I am.



Jeremy Lin has ice water in his veins.

I have ice water in my water bottle.



Jeremy Lin is a knickerbocker.

I am a knickerblogger.



Jeremy Lin went to Harvard.

I applied to Harvard.



An employee at ESPN got fired for writing a headline with a racial slur about Jeremy Lin.
I once got fired for watching ESPN instead of working.

Jeremy Lin has been thrilling folks with his pin-point passes.

I have been thrilling folks with my pinterest postings.



Everyone's referring to Jeremy Lin with plays on his name (linsanity, linning, etc).
I sometimes refer to myself with plays on my name (sh*tastic, sh*teriffic, sh*tacular).



Nobody thought Jeremy Lin could win at the level he’s winning.

Nobody thought I could lose at the level I’m losing.



Jeremy Lin has captured everyone's imagination.

I have captured everyone's imagination (in my imagination).

6 Month Check-Up

Weekly weigh-in: 251.4
 
Loss: +1.o


Total loss: -4o.1

Emotion: Craptastic

It’s crazy, but for a while there I was actually looking forward to going to the dentist.

Each time I went, everyone at the dental office kicked up a fuss about how much weight I had lost.

Even when you’re successful, it’s sometimes difficult for friends, family and co-workers to notice the slow and steady changes you’re making in yourself. But for folks that see you once every six months, it’s different.

Six months ago, I realized that nobody was complimenting my progress. I told myself, “Next time it’s gonna be different.”

Only next time came kind of swiftly, and that same disappointment washed over me as I entered the office.

No cavities.

No progress.

It’s time to open wide and say “AYYYYYYHHHHHHHHHHH!”

Why Why Why Why Why Why Why

Why why why why why why why? Why why why?
Why why why, why why why?

Sorry to be so irritating, but I really am interested in the why's of why we're all on this losing weight/healthy living journey of ours. I keep thinking that I've heard them all, but then my email inbox dings with something new.

Have I seen your reason? Do you even know what it is? If you do know what it is, then why not share it with me and the rest of the world (yes, the whole entire world will see if so no nudity, please!). 

Be sure and include a blog link if you’d like it included. Send it to jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com if you're interested in me owing you a huge favor (if you need me to help you move, I'm sorry but I'm busy that weekend). 

Molly @ Fluffy Girl 

'Drea @ Eye of the 'Drea

Brandon @ So Long, Fat Ass

Rachel @ Body By Pizza

Rita @ The Giggly Bits

Susan @ I Can Be Old Or Fat, But Not Both

Lea @ 5000 Days

Tara @ 263 And Counting

Helen @ Doing a 180

Mrs. Happy Pants @ Mrs. Happy Pants

Fleagirl @ Food Fetish

Brooke @ Brooke: NOT on a Diet!

Andrew @ 100 Pounds in a Year

Tips to Boost Your Metabolism

• Instead of doing a “hop, skip and a jump,” do a “hop, skip, gambol, leap, dash, vault romp, prance and a jump.”

• Eat an AA battery for breakfast.

• Don’t skip meals (waitaminute… do people actually do this? Skip meals? Really? Wow…)

• Get off your butt. No, I’m sorry… I meant GET OFF YOUR BUTT!

• Go to bed the night before.

• Starving yourself actually slows down your metabolism, though not quite as much as eating a quart of cheese dip and watching a Storage Wars marathon.

• Coffee drinkers have a 16% higher metabolic rate than those who abstain, according to a study published in Folgers Scientific-Looking Studies.

• Chewing celery actually burns more calories than you take in (especially if you spit it out like I do).

• Drink a 5-hr energy drink every five hours.

Field of Healthy Dreams

People will lose weight, Jack.

They’ll lose weight for reasons they can’t even fathom. They’ll turn up to your blogway not knowing for sure why they’re doing it.

They’ll arrive at your site as overweight as Oprah, longing for the pizzas of the past. Of course, we won’t mind if you look around, you’ll say. It’s only $20 per person.

“$20 per person?” they’ll laugh, and then you’ll let them look at your blog for free because it’s money you have and readers you lack.

And they’ll look over your posts, and they’ll realize that everything they need to eat healthier and get more fit is right there within their grasp. No, not on your blog, dumbass, but within themselves. They’ll find they have reserved spot in a nearby fitness center, where they can move their muscles and drench themselves with sweat. They’ll find their dinner tables loaded with fresh vegetables and healthy foods.

And they’ll watch the results on the scale and it’ll be as if they dipped themselves in magic waters. The changes will be so drastic they’ll have to go out and buy new pants.

People will lose weight, Jack. The one constant through all the years, Jack, has been healthy living. America has found itself in an obesity epidemic. It has dieted and gained like a teeter totter, regained and lost again. But healthy living has marked the time.

This journey, this quest: it’s a part of our life, Jack. It reminds of us of how we once felt good and how we could once again. Oh... people will lose weight, Jack. People will most definitely lose weight…

How to Get More Readers For Your Stupid Blog

Most of the time, I don’t want you to get more readers for your stupid blog because that would leave fewer readers for my stupid blog. But then I came to a sudden realization: you very well might already be at my stupid blog if you’re reading this….

• Use some combination of these words in the title of every post: “10 ways”, “Sex Life”, “Kardashian”, “My Most Shameful Secret”, “Cancer”, “Sexy Sex Sex” “Recipe”, “Celebrity Sex”, “Food Porn”, “S’more Casserole,” “Sex Tricks”, “Get Rich Quick” “Cutest Kitten Ever,” “Giveaway” and “Get More Readers for Your Stupid Blog.”

• Utilize SEO optimization by tagging each post with every word in the English language.

• Consider well-written and insightful content instead of that stuff that you usually do.

• Don’t talk down to your readers, dumbass!

• Save that calligraphy font for wedding invitations, pul-leaze!

• You’d be surprised at how many visitors a $10,000 cash giveaway will generate.

• Honor double coupons.

• Just make sure every post you write is the single greatest piece of writing ever written.

• Use questionable marketing tactics, such as tweeting “Click HERE to learn the SECRETS to getting more TRAFFIC to my BLOG: www.jackfit.blogspot.com GUARANTEED!”

• Try topless vlogging.

• Offer to grant three wishes to anyone who subscribes to your RSS feed (need to specify that there’s no wishing for more wishes).

There’s A Hole In The Bottom Of My Pants

Who knows a game?
I know a game.
Listen to it carefully
,
And follow after me…

There’s a hole in the bottom of my pants.

There’s a hole in the bottom of my pants.
There’s a hole, there’s a hole.
There’s a hole, there’s a hole.

There’s a hole in the bottom of my pants.


There’s a reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants. 

There’s a reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants. 

There’s a reason, there’s a reason.

There’s a reason, there’s a reason.

There’s a reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants.

There’s an excuse for the reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants. 

There’s an excuse for the reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants. 

There’s an excuse, there’s an excuse.

There’s an excuse, there’s an excuse.
There’s an excuse for the reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants.

There’s an answer for the excuse for the reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants. 

There’s an answer for the excuse for the reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants. 

There’s an answer, there’s an answer.

There’s an answer, there’s an answer.

There’s an answer for the excuse for the reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants. 



There’s willpower behind the answer for the excuse for the reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants. 

There’s willpower behind the answer for the excuse for the reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants. 

There’s willpower, there’s willpower.
There’s willpower, there’s willpower.

There’s willpower behind the answer for the excuse for the reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants. 



There are results due to the willpower behind the answer for the excuse for the reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants. 

They are results due to the willpower behind the answer for the excuse for the reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants. 

There are results. There are results. 

There are results. There are results.

There are results due to the willpower behind the answer for the excuse for the reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants.

There is energy from the results due to the willpower behind the answer for the excuse for the reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants. 

There is energy from the results due to the willpower behind the answer for the excuse for the reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants. 

There is energy, there is energy.
There is energy, there is energy.

There is energy from the results due to the willpower behind the answer for the excuse for the reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants.
 


There’s good health from the energy from the results due to the willpower behind the answer for the excuse for the reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants. 


There’s a what? 


Like I said..... 
There’s a future, there’s a future.

There’s a future of good health from the energy from the results due to the willpower behind the answer for the excuse for the reason for the hole in the bottom of my pants.

So let’s face the future, embrace good health, snatch the energy, chase the willpower, seek the answers, excise the excuses, remember the reason, sew up the hole in the bottom of my pants.
Because we need it like a hole in my pants. 


See?

Putting the "Broad" in "Broadway"

• Phantom of the iHop-era
• Foodspell
• Cats-up
• Les MissMyReese's
• The Pork-ducers
• Booty & the Feast
• Mamma Mia Pizzaria!
• Caberet Buffet
• Oh Cold Cuttas!
• Annie Get Your Gumbo
• Chicago (Deep Dish Pizza)

• Jesus Christ Supper Start!
• Wicked Hungry
• My Fat Lady
• Our Snack and Old Lace
• Wide Side Story
• Jekyll and Hydrox 
• Dreamsicle Girls
• La Cage aux Foodies
• Fannie
• Dieter-Man: Turn Off the Scale
• Hello Dolly Madison Snack Cakes
• Hershey Boys
• Mary Plumppins
• Bloat-lahoma!
• Feeder on the Roof

What's Your Link?

My blogroll got infested with gremlins a while back and I had to take it to the vet and have it put down. I've slowly been building it back up, but I know that I'm missing some old familiar voices and some other interesting stories as well.

One of my goals is to get more active on my blog commentating, so do me a solid and leave your blog name, link and what animal it most resembles.

Thanks!

More Healthy Gifts for Valentine's Day

• Love poem inscribed on stalk of celery

• Heart-shaped box of nonfat cottage cheese

• Romantic half-marathon on the beach

• Crunches by candlelight

• 15-minute workout with the original “Shakeweight”

• Bicycle built for two and entry to IronDuo Triathalon

• Read each other romantic passages from Jillian Michaels’ saucy bestseller Master Your Metabolism

• “Let’s Play Doctor” game (with blood pressure monitor)

• Diet love potion

• Nude portrait of you at goal weight

• Chinchilla yoga mat

• A little Afternoon Delight (and yes, by “Afternoon Delight” I do mean “a nap”)

Need more ideas? Sheesh! Okay... here ya go.

Even More Ways to Make Your Office More Healthy

• To make yourself take the stairs, fill the elevator shaft with packing peanuts.

• Encourage shorter sit-down meetings by putting a loaded pistol on the table in front of you and mumbling incoherently.

• Buy everything in the vending machine, empty each package and replace the contents with healthy alternatives and then figure out some way to get them back in the machine.

• If a co-worker brings in a box of donuts, say “Hey, thanks for the donuts” in such a way that they’ll feel utter shame in what they did but that others won’t think you’re a jerk.

• See about getting your job responsibilities changed to “testing out effectiveness of local personal training programs.”

• Replace hold music with Jillian Michael’s shrieking “Get up and move your ass!” over and over.


• Organize a “Biggest Gainer” contest at your office; that way, even if you’re not losing weight, you’ll still feel better about yourself!

• Replace your office chair with a unicycle.

•Talk to your supervisor about the possibility of replacing the supply closet with a state-of-the-art workout facility.

Jack Sh*ttiday & the Fatpants Kid

Kid: Dammit! I’m hungry!

Jack: Well, the way I figure it, we can either diet or give. If we give, we go back to being obese.

Kid: I’ve been there already.

Jack: But if we diet, we may get starved out. Or we’ll get too weak to work out. Might even get malnourished and get sick. What else can happen?

Kid: We could eat what we want and lose weight, but I wouldn’t count on that.

Jack: Kid, the next time I say let’s go someplace like Weight Watchers, let’s go someplace like Weight Watchers.

Kid: Next time. (pause) Ready for lunch?

Jack: No, we’ll exercise…

Kid: Like hell we will.

Jack: No, it’ll be okay. If we don’t try to bench press too much and get squished to death. It’ll build muscle and help burn fat faster.

Kid: How do you know?

Jack: Would you work out if you didn’t have to?

Kid: I have to and I’m not gonna.

Jack: Well, we got to, otherwise we’re not ever gonna lose these extra pounds. Come on…

Kid: Just one donut, that’s all I want.

Jack: Come on.

Kid: Uh uh

Jack: We got to!

Kid: Nope! Get away from me!

Jack: Why?

Kid: I don’t wanna go!

Jack: You wanna diet?

Kid: Do you?

Jack: Alright. I’ll work out first.

Kid: Nope.

Jack: Then you work out first.

Kid: No, I said.

Jack: What’s the matter with you?

Kid: I CAN’T SWIM!

Jack: Bwhahahahahahahaha. Why, you crazy! The gym doesn’t even have a pool, dumbass!

Even More Ways to Make Your Kids Eat Healthier

• Two choices: eat this celery stalk or get slapped by it!

• Take out the Pop-Tart filling and replace with mashed sweet potato.

• Take them to a slaughterhouse to show them just how sausage is made, or if you really want to shake them up, take them to your job and show them how money to buy sausage is made.

• Tell your child that eating broccoli is like “eating a little tree”; if he replies, “Why would I want to eat a little tree?” then you should answer, “Just shut up and eat the stupid broccoli!”

• Though it can get expensive, my “quarter-per-pea” method generally gets results.

• Start calling Brussels sprouts “baby boom-boom cabbages.”

• Every time your children take a bite of something unhealthy, clang cymbals together loudly right behind their heads.

• Remember, you get more success by using the carrot than the stick (except when trying to get kids to eat carrots; the stick is definitely the way to go there).

• There’s a simple way to get kids to like eggplant (I just don’t know what it is…).

• Kids learn by watching their parents, so you really to learn to pretend you’re enjoying eating vegetables.

Puffy The Tragic Draggin’ Ass

Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass, lived life obese

And ate and snacked in his Lazy-Boy
While he watched his health decrease.

Little Jackie Sh*tter got on Puffy’s case,
And did his best to lead him to a healthy living place. Oh!

Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass, didn’t want to change.

His calorie counts had more numbers than the New York Stock Exchange. 

Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass was short-changing his own health.
But he never was gonna change things if he couldn’t change himself. 
 


Together those two plotted to do something about his mass.
Jackie made a plan to work on Puffy’s gigantic ass.
Exercise and nutrition, have become the big man’s friend,
And now he gets excited whenever he weighs in. Oh!

Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass, has really changed his ways.
No longer does he take Lipitor dipped in mayonnaise.
Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass is wearing smaller slacks.
And’s even startin’ bloggin’ (tho his site’s not dumb as Jack’s).
 


No one lives forever (though that is Jackie’s plan),
But livin’ longer’s easier when you’re a healthy man.
Puffy learned his lesson: good health you can’t ignore.
And Puffy plans to be a healthy person forevermore.

His head is held up proudly, he looks good in his clothes.
Puffy no longer checks a mirror to see if he’s got toes.
He wakes up with lots of energy; his future’s not so gray,
And Puffy the magic weight-loss guy’s ready for a brand new day. Oh…

Puffy, the tragic draggin’ ass, lived extra wide,

But discovered he didn’t have to, his fate his to decide. 

Puffy, the magic weight-loss guy, finally broke free.
And frolicks in the autumn mist in a land called Healthy Me.

11 Questions, 11 Answers And An 11-lb Loss

Wait... I may have put a decimal point in the wrong spot. Oh well...

Weekly weigh-in: 250.4
 Loss: -1.1

Total loss: -41.1
Emotion: Movin' and Groovin'

I was tagged by TJ at TJ’s Test Kitchen (who knows for a fact just how much I dislike these things) to take part in this question list.

But just to spite her, I’m gonna have fun with it! FUN, YOU HEAR ME, TJ?!!? FUN!!!! SO MUCH FUN THAT FUN STARTS LEAKING OUT OF MY FREAKIN’ EARS!!!!




The Rules (BECAUSE WHAT IS MORE FUN THAN A BUNCH OF RULES?):

1. Post these rules.

2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.

3. Answer the questions set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.

5. Go to their blog and tell them you've tagged them.

6. No stuff in the tagging section about you are tagged if you are reading this. You legitimately have to tag 11 people.

So here we go ....

Jack’s Random 11

1. I overtip at restaurants because my dad Horace is a notoriously terrible tipper.

2. I was diagnosed with astigmatism when I was 7 or 8 and put in glasses. Five years later, the doc said my eyes weren’t getting any better or worse, so I quit wearing the glasses and have never worn them since.

3. I won the King Bee reading contest in first grade.

4. We had a lady come in to do laundry when my daughter Pisa was little; it turns out that all she was doing was spraying them with Febreeze and ironing them while watching TV.

5. When doing a family history project for school, I learned that I have a Mississippi relative that went to Parchman prison for killing his father during an argument over a cigarette lighter.

6. Marc Gasol, the center for the Memphis Grizzlies NBA team who signed a max contract this year ($48 million over 4 years) owes me $5. I let him borrow a five-spot when he was a high school senior and told him he could pay me back when he made it to the NBA.

7. I had an uncle who got so drunk that he ran his car into a train. In the middle.

8. I own three watches; I never, ever wear a watch.

9. When I was an infant, my mother once gave me (and I drank) a bottle of spoiled milk.

10. The worse flop-sweat I ever got was during an interview for a job I didn’t even want.

11. I have visited every state in the U.S. except for the 27 that I consider to be lame.


My answers to TJ’s questions

1. Favorite holiday? The next one on the calendar.

2. What is the best gift you ever given to someone? The gift of Life (to my daughters).

3. Who taught you to cook? My mother. I watched what she did, and tried to do the exact opposite.

4. Any ingredient that scares you? Cilantro. Most people don’t realize that this is actually poison.

5. What city/state were you born in? Memphis, TN

6. Ice cream or frozen yogurt? Yes, please.

7. What flavors/toppings? Nothing. Nada. Nil.

8. If you could play with a toy from your childhood today- what would it be? 

9. Got a nickname? Sh*t-For-Brains

10. How long does it take you to take a shower & get ready to start your day? 12 minutes

11. Are you afraid of any animals? Weiner dogs


My Tagees:

1. Anne @ Carb Tripper
2. Jody @ Truth2BeingFit
3. Chris @ A Deliberate Life
4. Stephen @ Who Ate My Blog
5. Cyndi @ RunRollRepeat -
6. Dawn @ Fixing Myself Thinner -
7. Kelly @ Happy Texans
8. Charlie @ Operation: Shrink Charlie’s Big Butt
9. Lily Fluffbottom @ Lily Fluffbottom’s Weight Loss Adventure
10. Tammy @ Fat to Fab
11. Mary @ A Merry Life


Questions for the Tagees:

1. What movie title best describes this point in your life?
2. What food makes you think of your childhood?
3. What is your best feature?
4. Which cartoon character do you most resemble?
5. What are you most grateful for?
6. Would you rather go without salt or pepper?
7. Why are the holes in cats fur always in the right places for their eyes?
8. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
9. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
10. First thing you’d do if you won the lottery?
11. Who’s your favorite blogger named “Jack”?

Healthy Super Bowl Party Ideas

• Mount big-screen TV on back of pick-up truck and have someone drive it on 10K course while everyone jogs behind

• Figs-in-a-blanket

• Every time team gets a first down, everybody does 10 lunges

• Halftime Zumba

• Salami? No. Kohlrabi? Yes!

• Keg of fresh, cold aqua

• Serve a huge bowl of M&M’s (melons and mangoes)

• Every time announcer says “They have to establish their running game,” everybody has to eat a stalk of celery.

• Move all furniture out of living room and have guests re-enact each play during game

• Football-shaped beet-loaf

• Have each guest predict final score and loss on next weigh-in

• AstroTurf appetizers (wheatgrass on melba toast)

• Instead of chips-n-dip, how’s about prunes-n-prawns?

One last thing: whatever you do, please don’t invite me to your Super Bowl party if you plan on following any of these tips!

Two Stories About Two Frogs

Once there were these two frogs in fell into a bucket of milk. One struggled for a bit, but quickly realized that fighting would do no good and gave up. He sank to the bottom of the bucket and drowned. However, the second frog decided that he was going to give up without a fight, so he kicked and swam with all his might. Much to his surprise, his constant churning turned the cream into butter and he was able to hop out of the bucket.

Moral: Never stop fighting.

Once there were these two frogs who fell into a patch of quicksand. The first one decided that he wasn’t going to give up without a fight, so he kicked and swam with all his might. Much to his surprise, his constant churning sent him straight to the bottom of the pit where he promptly drowned. The second frog quickly realized that fighting would do no good, so he calmly stretched out and made no movement. His lack of motion allowed him to float on the surface of the quicksand, and eventually, he eased himself to the edge of the pit.

Moral: Stop fighting... no... that's terrible. Ummm, how about "Never play near quicksand"?

More Weight Loss Songs for the Wee Little Children



Do You Have a Muffin Top?


Oh, do you have a muffin top?

A muffin top, a muffin top?
Do you have a muffin top,
That rests above your waist?


Oh, yes I have a muffin top,
A muffin top, a muffin top.
Yes, I have a muffin top.
But it’s gonna get erased!

The Eensy Weensy Dieter 

The Eensy Weensy Dieter ate a dog with extra kraut.
Up went his weight, and made the dieter pout.
Went out for a run, and away went the gain,
And the Eensy Weensy Dieter 
was happy once again.



My Fannie Lies Over My Waistband
My fannie rides over my waistband,

My fannie rides over my jeans.
My fannie rides over my waistband,
Oh please make my fannie more lean
.
Slim down, slim down, Oh  slim down my fannie for me, for me.
Slim down, slim down, O slim down my fannie for me. 





Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Beer Belly Gone?
Oh where, oh where has my beer belly gone?
Oh where, oh where can it be?

With my meals cut short and my workouts long.

Oh where, oh where can it… oh, I see! It’s all about burning more calories than you consume. So simple!



Whistle While You Work Out



Just whistle while working out.
Da da dada da da (don’t pout)
And cheerfully together
Fat for muscle we'll replace. 

It’ll be less crappy if you stay happy
With a smile upon your face.

And as you sweat and shred

Just try to imagine instead

It’s only a scary nightmare

And that you're back home in bed.