Sh*t Jack Sh*t Says

Just some random lines pulled from random blog posts. YOU say I'm lazy, but I say I'm CRAZY EFFICIENT! 

If you’re a zombie, instead of brains, why not try half brains and half cottage cheese?

For some reason, almost all overweight African-American women get upset when you call them “Precious”

It’s on like Genghis Khan playing ping pong versus Donkey Kong.

 “Lawzy, we gots to have a dietitian. I don't know nothin’ ‘bout countin’ no calories!”

Spongebok Choypants!

How’d you like to come back to my place and sit on my feet while I do sit-ups?

“Soylent Green is people! And it’s high in fat and sodium!”

Like to eat when you're stressed out? Next time, try having an uncontrollable crying fit instead.

“This is a terrible Farmer's Market,” I told the lady. “It's a garage sale, dumbass,” she replied.

“If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you share with me the training regimen you used to attain it?”

“Don’t go to the zoo today… (flexing) because the pythons are out.”

I could have been rich if my mom hadn't thrown out my old baseball cards. And my trunk full of Krugerrands.

When you “accuse”, you make an “acc” out of “u” and “se”. Remember that!

“I sure look good in these home movies,” I told my wife, Anita. “That's a Bowflex commercial, dumbass,” she replied.

Tip for bloggers: bloggity blog blog blog (sorry, that's all I've got...)

Now Who's The Lazy One? I told you I've got a new post up on the Anytime Health site and you haven't gone to see it yet? What? I didn't tell you. Oh, my bad. I've got a new post up on the Anytime Health site which you can visit by clicking on this convenient link.

C’mon Get Healthy

Hello, blog, here’s a post that I’m postin’,
C’mon get healthy.
A whole lotta veggies is what I’ll be roastin’
It’ll make you healthy.


I had a dream we’d all get fit together.
We’d celebrate on Facebook then we’d keep movin’ on.
Somethin’ always happens to cause me to stumble,
But I guess if I keep tryin’ I won’t get too far gone.
Tweetin’ along as we all keep on lightenin’
C’mon get healthy.
A whole lotta movin’ and a lil’ bit of dietin’,
It’ll make you healthy.
It’ll make you healthy.
It’ll make you happy.

FU, Scale!

Weekly weigh-in: 251.5
 Loss: +.1

Total loss: -40.0
Emotion: Grrrrrr

Speaking of blowing stuff up...

Join me tonight at  8 p.m. EST/5 p.m. PST as I have some vague and unspecified role in a Tweet it Off online support group twitter-chat something-or-other. You'll find us under the hashtag #twitterdiet. It's the most fun you can have with your pants on (note: pants optional).

There’s No W.I.D.T.H.ering On This Vine

I’ll be honest: as much as I really like my bloggity-blog’s W.I.D.T.H. feature, I figured that it might just have run its course.

If you’re new to these parts, W.I.D.T.H. stands for “Why I Do This Here” and it’s been this site’s most enduring feature. Folks send in photos that express the reason (or reasons) that they’re on this weight loss and/or healthy living roller coaster.

Anyway, I got invited to do some guest posting on Anytime Health’s site and was asked specifically to do a W.I.D.T.H. post.

I did it (check it out here), and suddenly my email inbox was filled with new pix, new ideas, new reasons for getting healthy.

What’s your motivation for doing this? Your family? Your future? Share it with me and the rest of the world (or at least that teensy-tiny part of the world that stops by this blog every so often). Be sure and include a blog link if you’d like a cheap way to get a little traffic to your site. Send it to jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com and let’s keep this W.I.D.T.H. train running a little longer. 

 Britt - "Why I workout.. For a climb like this!
Two and a half hours of stairs to see Machu Picchu in Peru!" 

 Curtis @ Race Fifty States

Emily- "This sweet face motivates me to get fit! 

She is my fav workout buddy!  We started running together!"

Greta @ Frumpy to Fabulous

 Jennifer - "My kids are my main reason, but this picture keeps me going. I struggle with my weight everyday. Its always Up and down, but I don't ever want to be in a double pants size ever again." 

 Laura @ Diary of a Fat Girl

 Laurie

 Shiloh

Tiff

More Paula Deen Sightings

Last week, professional butter-wrangler Paula Deen announced that she’s been suffering from type 2 diabetes for the past three years. 

She acknowledged that a person has “to make changes in your life” but apparently, Deen isn't quite ready for a full-scale nutritional overhaul.

TMZ posted a photo of Deen cramming down a cheeseburger and fries this week while on a Caribbean cruise. 

My prediction for future Deen sightings…

• Caught eating fried shrimp right out of an industrial-sized fry daddy in back of Red Lobster kitchen

• Stopped by airport security trying to smuggle gallon jug of boiled custard onto flight

• Discovered hot-boxing a Philly cheesesteak during commercial break of Today Show appearance

• Photographed by grocery store security camera drinking entire bottle of Thousand Island dressing

• Shows up dressed in Girl Scout uniform to pick up 200 boxes of Thin Mints

• Wins “who-can-eat-most-sticks-of-butter-in-10-minutes” bet against competitive eating champion Takeru Kobayashi

• College kid at Taco Bell takes cellphone movie of Paula’s 2 a.m. taco frenzy

• Reportedly slaps a waitress who brings her a side of fresh fruit instead of the bowl of mayonnaise she asked for

• Panicked 9-1-1 call ends up with authorities finding Deen’s unsconscious body in a hot tub filled with rotel dip

Stress Busters!

• When your boss is talking to you, imagine that it’s the teacher from those Charlie Brown cartoons: “Waaah waaaah wahhhh, wahhhh wahhhh wahhhhh.”

• When you’re stuck in gridlocked traffic, use that time to practice yelling obscenities at other motorists.

• Fishing is a great way to reduce stress, unless you’re a fish.

• Do something nice for someone, and by “someone” I mean me and by “something nice” I mean pay my daughter’s college tuition.

• Close your eyes, taking deep calming breaths and… WILL YOU QUIT HONKING AT ME… I’M TRYING TO REDUCE MY STRESS OVER HERE!!!!

• Remember that “stressed” spelled backwards is “desserts”… cheesecake to the rescue!

• Instead of worrying about all your problems, why don’t you try to make them all magically go away. I mean, have you tried making them all magically go away? Have you? HAVE YOU?

• Mondays are generally a high-stress day so consider just staying home in bed that day.

• Before going to bed, drink a cup of warm whiskey.

• Sex is a great stress reducer, but be careful that you don’t make a baby, which a great stress increaser.

I Think I Can

There was once a not-so-tiny train that thought he weighed too much.

“11,000 tons?” he remarked in disgust at his previous weigh-in. “I’ve got to get back on track.”

So the next day, he chugged 1,000 miles without stopping.

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

But later that week, the scale still said 11,000 tons.

“I don’t get it,” whined the train. “I’ve been working my caboose off with no results.”

The next week, he chugged 2,500 miles, including up a very steep mountain.

“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

Weigh-in: 11,000 tons.

“Is there nothing I can do to engineer a loss?” he asked desolately.

“Hello,” said a stranger who was wandering along the train tracks. “My name is Boxcar Jacky and I think I can help.”

“You think you can?” asked the train.

“I think I can,” repeated Boxcar Jacky. “Exercise alone isn’t always enough to lighten your load. Consider consuming fewer calories as well.”

“I’m a train, dumbass,” exclaimed the train.

“Oh yeah,” remarked Boxcar Jacky. “Well, how’s about we uncouple a few of your cars.”

They did, and the train came in at a svelte 10,500 tons at his next weigh-in.

“Lose weight?” smiled the train. “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

“Great,” smiled Boxcar Jacky. “Now can I catch a ride down the line?”

“Are you kidding me?” laughed the train, taking off down the track. “I just lost 500 tons; you think I want to gain it right back?”

When Hairy Met Salad

(Jack and Sally at a diner)

Sally: So you’re having a salad?

Jack: Sure, I love salad. Love it! I’m on a diet, y’know.

Sally: What kind of salad is that?

Jack: It’s the Bistro Caesar salad with glazed pecans.

Sally: That’s a bunch of croutons.

Jack: What can I say? I’m a cretin that loves croutons.

Sally: And what kind of dressing is that?
 
Jack: I couldn’t decide between French or Ranch, so I got both.

Sally: You know, I get kind of ticked off at people who eat big crazy salads and think they’re eating healthy. Did you know that T.G.I. Friday’s has a salad with 1,800 calories and Applebee’s has one with 93 grams of fat.

Jack: Why are you getting so upset?  I’m eating a salad.

Sally: You are a human affront to all healthy people, and I am a healthy person.

Jack: Hey, I had them leave off the candy corn.

Sally: I just don’t know why you can’t eat a normal healthy salad.

Jack: Maybe because I like my salad better.

Sally: How do you know?

Jack: What do you mean how do I know?  I know.

Sally: Because they’re better?

Jack: Yes, because they’re better.

Sally: And how do you know that it’s really better?

Jack: What are you saying, that your healthy salad is as tasty as my jacked-up one?

Sally: It’s possible.

Jack: Get outta here!

Sally: Why?  I just want you to eat a real salad if you’re going to eat a salad.

Jack: Well, they aren’t as good to me.

Sally: How do you know?

Jack: Because I know.

Sally: Oh, right, that’s right, I forgot, you’re an idiot.

Jack: What’s that supposed to mean?

Sally: Nothing. It’s just that I think if you tried them, you’d like regular, healthy salads.

Jack: You don't think that I could tell the difference?

Sally: No.

Jack: Get outta here.

Sally: Ooo...Oh...Ooo...

Jack: Are you okay?

Sally: Oh...Oh god...Ooo Oh God...Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh God...Oh this salad is so delicious
Oh!  Oh...Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh...Yes Yes Yes....Oh...Yes Yes Yes
Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh... Oh... Oh God Oh... Oh...

Jack: Ummmm…. I'll have what she's having.

I Am An Italian Cruise Ship Captain

Like Francesco Schettino, I was put in charge of a magnificent vessel and preceeded to run it into the ground.

The Italian cruise ship captain made more than a few mistakes in the disaster aboard the luxurious Costa Concordia, and I’ve made more than my share with attaining (and maintaining) a healthy weight for my body.

The ship was valued at nearly a half-billion dollars, not including the value of all the personal effects of the guests and the vault of cash in the ship’s casino. The value of my healthy future? Limitless.

I Tripped. The captain has reportedly said the reason he was in a lifeboat while thousands of panic-stricken passengers and crew were trying to evacuate was because he “tripped” and fell into the rescue craft. That’s kinda how I feel sometimes, like I’m doing what I think are all the right things but aren’t really all the right things at all when you step back and take a critical look at them.

Get Back in the Ship, Dammit! It has come to symbolize the entire disaster – the furious command barked by a Coast Guard official to the captain to get back on the ship and take command of the mass evacuation.

“Get back on board, for ----’s sake,” screamed the official– a phrase that has now gone viral among Italians on Facebook, Twitter and other social networking sites. They’re even selling t-shirts.

It’s also what I’ve been telling myself lately: get back on board, for ----’s sake!

It’s time to get serious about this, once and for all.

I am the master of my destiny, the captain of my soul.

And I’m going down with the ship.

Mistakes Where Made

Weekly weigh-in: 251.4


Loss: +1.2

Total loss: -40.1


Emotion: Unbowed

Now let us speak no more of this miserable business…

Lord of the Twinks

Chapter 99 – The Final Confrontation

“I am really tired of this sh*t,” sighed Jakko Jaggins to his trusted companion Spamwise. “I mean, I have carried this burden across numerous leagues.”

“I’ll carry for you, massster,” sneered his other horribly sicky-looking running buddy.

“For the final time, Glutton, shut it!” snapped Jakko. “Graindolf said we had to throw the One Twinkie into the fires of Mount Donut and that’s what we’re gonna do!”

“Desssssstroy it?” moaned Glutton pitifully.

“Yes, without the One Twinkie, the Dark Lord More-on won’t be able to lead Hostess out of bankruptcy and his dreams of causing worldwide obesity will be dashed.”

“There it is up ahead, Mister Jakko,” shouted Spamwise. “But the path is blocked.”

“I AM THE DARK LORD MORE-ON,” came a deep, commanding voice. “YOU SHALL NOT PASS INTO THE FIRES OF MOUNT DONUT.”

“Moron?” smiled Jakko. “Did you hear that, Spamwise? He called himself ‘moron’…”

“NO, DUMBASS,” sneered More-on. “I AM THE DARK LORD THAT FORCES YOU TO PUT MORE WEIGHT ON!”

“You’re the moron that does what?” asked Jakko, shaking his head while Spamwise caught a giggling fit.

“THAT IS SOOOOO FUNNY,” declared the dark lord. “IT’S ABOUT AS FUNNY AS AN ORC TRYING TO WORK A SMARTPHONE.”

“I’m sorry, moron.”

“YOU DID IT AGAIN!”

“Did what, moron?”

“STOP CALLING ME MORON,” he commanded, pulling himself up to his full commanding height. “AND GIVE ME THE ONE TWINKIE.”

Jakko looked at him defiantly.

“I will never give you the one Twinkee,” said Jakko. “I am going to take it and… hey, where’d it go?”

“Mmmmmmm,” smiled Glutton, licking his lips. “My precioussssssss.”

- THE END -

Hints from Healthoise

• Just because you paid $2,000 to install a frozen-yogurt dispenser in the dashboard of your car doesn’t mean you have to use it on every trip you make!

• If you’re a vampire, be careful that you don’t “drink” all your calories. Incorporate fresh fruits and veggies into your diet!

• You can make your own healthy Omega-3 fish oil by oiling a fish and then adding some Omega-3 to it.

• You don’t need a gym membership to get fit; simply dress up like an elliptical and stand perfectly still whenever a staff member glances in your direction.

• If you want to know how much better weighing less feels, just gain 50 lbs and see for yourself.

• Having regular bowel movements is important for good health; telling everyone you meet that you have regular bowel movements is not.

• Just before yogurt has passed its “expiration date” doesn’t mean that you can’t feed it to somebody else in your family.

• One way to make yourself drink more water is take a stick of gum when I offer it to you (cuz it’s probably some of my joke jalapeño gum).

• Weighing less is a sound financial move; XXX-large coffins are expensive!

Confession: I Think I Just Killed a Dude

I’m serious, I really think I just killed a dude, but fortunately blog postings can’t be used in as evidence in a court of law (at least I’m pretty sure they can’t… ummmm, any lawyers in the house?).

Anyway, this past Sunday morning I showed up for the first game of the season in a 30+ basketball league. I’m matched up against a large African-American gentleman  who, I’m guessing, is at least ten years younger than me.

I’m still heavier than I want to be, but I’ve been exercising like a maniac and playing bball at least three times a week for… well… forever it seems like. My point: I’m not afraid of this guy.

On the game’s first possession, this dude… I never caught his name, so let’s just call him Kobe… turns around in the lane and hits a jump shot over my outstretched hand.

“It’s gonna be a long day for you,” he snorted as we jogged back down the court.

“That’s okay,” I assured him. “I packed a lunch.”

A couple of minutes later, I got out on a fast break and scored before Kobe managed to cross half court.

“Where you at, big man?” I barked.

For me, trash talking is as essential a part of basketball as a toy submarine is to a bubble bath (don’t judge me!).

But as the game wore on, I noticed the big guy was sitting out large chunks at a time, and when he did play, he was even slower than before.

Because I’m a really good sport (when I win), I went over to shake hands with the dude, who was really having trouble catching his breath. This would have been bad anyway, but it had been 15 minutes or so since the game ended and he hadn’t even been playing at the end. Obviously something was wrong…

Suddenly there was a blur of activity. 9-1-1 was called and somebody brought out a portable oxygen unit. A day that had probably started with an “I’m gonna get back in shape” would end with a trip to the emergency room.

There are lots of reasons to get healthy, be healthy, stay healthy, but this was a vivid reminder.

I’m sorry if I pushed you too hard, hoss. Hope you recover and take a less steep path toward your healthy living goals.

Breaking News: I don’t ask you to do much… besides occasionally lend me money and do anything I ask whenever I ask… but I’d really appreciate it if you’d head over and check out my very first guest post for Anytime Health. And let ‘em know you want to see more Sh*t in the future!

More Breaking News: Turns out my basketball buddy shook loose some gall stones or something, which was exasperated by how out of shape he was. Phew… no heart attack! At least not yet, but we have a rematch coming up. C’mon, big man!

Healthy Help Wanted

Job search site Glassdoor.com recently identified the top ten employment opportunities for staying fit, so it got me to thinking about a career switch. After all, if my job could carry some of my healthy-living load, I wouldn’t have to spend so much of my precious spare time at the gym. I did a quick pros/cons list of the careers on their list…


Personal Trainer

Benefit – Access to fitness equipment and surrounded by people working toward their healthy living goals.

Downside – Might get myself as client.

 

 
Landscaper

Benefit – Opportunity to spend great deal of time outdoors doing physical labor.

Downside – Have you seen my yard?




 
Retail Sales Associate

Benefit – Not stuck in a chair all day. Get chance to talk to people.

Downside – People I get chance to talk to probably ignorant, stupid and/or angry.

 

 
Firefighter

Benefit – Really get to help people, run through red lights and slide down pole. Plus, gives my chance to use my “getting dressed fast” skills.

Downside – Might have to fight a fire.


 
Nanny

Benefit – Nontraditional means to get in lots of exercise during day.

Downside – Parents may get mad if I lose one of their kids at park.

 

 
Tour Guide

Benefit – Lots and lots of walking.

Downside – Pretty sure I’d just make up “facts” about everything.

 


News Photographer

Benefit – Get to run around and be extremely active during workday.

Downside – I don’t have a camera.


Roofer

Benefit – Get chance to spend day outdoors doing strenuous labor.

Downside – Gravity.






 
Furniture Delivery Driver

Benefit – Lots of heavy lifting. Chance to get behind wheel of big truck and menace other drivers.

Downside – Makes my back hurt just to think about it.


 
Valet

Benefit – Serious sprinting. Decent tips.

Downside – Dammit! Where’d I park that dude’s Porsche?

That's a No-No, Says Mister Bobo

 

Weight loss is tough. Sometimes you find that you need a little help when you've hit a hard patch of road. That's why I recently hit up one of my oldest childhood friends, Mister Bobo.

 

"Yo, Jack. I don't see why you're having such a tough time."

"Just eat less and exercise more, bitch!"

 

"Keep moving, home slice. Nothing to see here."

 

"I've got an idea: why don't you quit hanging out in the pantry and go rake some leaves or something?"

"Beer? Ummm, that's a no-no says Mister Bobo."

 

"TV or not TV? Ummm, not TV!"

 

"Instead of an evening snack, why don't you enjoy a heaping helping of nothing-at-all?"

Thanks, Mister Bobo. It's nice to know you've got my back.

Who Can Hit the Softest?

Weekly weigh-in: 250.2
Loss: --
Total loss: -41.3

Emotion: No change

I actually fell for this when I was in grade school.

A buddy challenged me to a “Who can hit the softest” contest.

I’m up first.

I brush his arm with the wispiest of touches.

In return, he knuckles up and punches my bicep with everything he has.

“You win,” he smiles and strikes off, looking for his next victim.

I was in the gym every day this week (and twice on Friday), but didn’t get it done on the food front.

I threw the lightest of blows, and the scale (as usual) didn’t pull any punches.

I really need to start hitting this harder.

I'm a Bad Tipper

• One way to drink more water is to drink scotch-and-water and spit out the scotch.



• Replace sugar with salt and salt with sugar.

• One way to train for a 26.2 mile marathon is to get really good at running .2 miles and then, when you’re comfortable, add in the 26-mile part.

• Remember, when you “sabotage” your diet plans, you’re making a “sab” out of “tag” and “e” (don’t stop and try to figure that out… just keep moving on!).

• 

You can get into any Weight Watchers meeting by looking exactly like Jennifer Hudson.



• Never eat black cat on a weigh-in day.

• Two things that make you look trimmer are wearing dark clothing and losing weight.

• When you're at a restaurant, ask yourself one question: "What the hell am I doing at this restaurant?"

• 

Did you know that you can actually leave the banana skins on when you mix up a smoothie? Of course, you can't drink it then...



• Instead of taking the stairs, take the elevator. Wait, you didn't let me finish… take the elevator while doing 1,000 lunges!

Life Is Good

Life is good.

Well, life is pretty good.

I mean, it’s okay, I guess.

There’s a lot of things that thoroughly frost my shorts though, like people being mean to each other and the way my body seems to sometimes crave all the wrong kinds of foods and then makes me feel miserable.

Life is pretty crappy sometimes.

You turn around twice and you’re older than you want to be, less healthy than you want to be, maybe not exactly where you thought you’d be by this point.

C'mon Life! What are ya doin' to me?

I mean, sometimes you get so stressed out and so worked up that you think you’re gonna explode.

And then you come to a realization: I don’t have control of every aspect of my life, but I do have control the most important ones.

I may be older now but I like to think I’m wiser, too. I may be less healthy than I want to be but I’m healthier than I was yesterday. If I’m not exactly where I want to be right now, I AM on my way.

And life is pretty fantastic sometimes.

There are a lot of things that put a smile on my kisser, like people doing good things for  each other and the way my body accepts that I’m trying to take it to a better place.

Life is good.

Working Out Sucks Winners!

In my “Working Out Why Working Out Sucks Doesn’t Suck Giveaway,” I promised to give away three copies of Working Out Sucks! by Chuck Runyon, the CEO and Co-Founder of Anytime Fitness. Well, I always keep my promises (except when I promised to take my daughter to Disneyworld… it really wasn’t that much fun, Pisa; the lines were waaaaay too long!).

Anyway, I asked readers to give me their excuses for not working out, and of those entries, I chose these winners…

BeBeGetsWordy said...
1.    It's slightly tepid outside and I need a perfect balmy weather to go running


2. The treadmill went really hard last week with me, so I think IT needs rest


3. I got home late (5:05pm as opposed to 5:00pm)


4. I lost weight this week, I can take today and tomorrow off


5. I need to spend some quality time with my couch. It misses me.

(I actually have used all of these. No joke)

Tigerlilly said...
My worst excuse ever is ... " I can't go workout, I have kids" ... when the truth is they are my reason for working out and losing weight. Plus, my gym has awesome child care that my kids love going to.

Calvin said...
JackSh*t, I always use the one tried and true method of avoiding working out. It's a twofold approach that helps me to a) deny responsibility and b) make myself self-important. I say, "I just don't have enough time to workout". And voila, it works. What is really a 2 hour meeting in the morning, becomes an all day affair that kept me from attending the gym at 10:00 pm. Although I slept in on Saturday and didn't wake up until 1:00 pm due to partying until 7:00 a.m. the night before becomes, "I was so exhausted from all the contacts I had to make the day before, I simply had nothing else left to give to myself". Yep, I become the martyr who's fitness is secondary to saving the world in which we live. In short---
I have more time than I think if I would actually be responsible about it.

Thanks to everyone who participated, and special thanks to my friends at Fitfluential and Anytime Health.

Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah

It happened on one of those Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah days
Now that’s the kind of day when you can't keep your eyes open

Without a lil help from Zipfizz.



Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zip-A-Dee-Yay.
Somebody sent me free Zipfizz today!

Plenty of caffeine headed my way!

Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zip-A-Dee-Yay

Mister Jack Sh*t’s got free Zipfizz! 

It came for me.
For me especially.
Everything was complimentary!


Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zipfizzy whiz!

Wonderful feeling.

Got free Zipfizz!

Yes Sir!



Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zipfizzy fix!

My oh my, healthy energy mix.


Vitamins and minerals headed my way.

Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zipfizzy Yay!



Got some Zipfizz for my cup now.

In a tube shaped 

Like batteries.

Plus, it’s only got 10 calories!



Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zip-A-Dee-Yay.
Wonderful Zipfizz!

Mix with water, okay?

Got no sugar, so no let-down.

Take a drink,

Before exercisin’

Huh........who took my Zipfizz?
MMMmm MMMmm

Boy, this stuff is energizin’!


Zipfizzy-Doo-Dah, Zip-A-Dee-Yay.

Wonderful Zipfizz,

Get some today!

More Signs That You Have a Bad Personal Trainer

• Just wants you to do jumping jacks in the parking lot for an hour.

• Charges 99¢ a minute.

• Admits to being a Nazi war criminal.

• Stays on phone for entire session, in which you overhear several comments about “this fat loser that I’m working with right now.”

• Not sure what a “lunge” is.

• Insists that you wear thong and ass-less chaps during session.

• Keeps curling up under bench press bench and falling asleep.

• All instructions are in baby talk.

• Wears a shirt that reads “CERTIFIED PERSONAL TRAITOR”

• Whips you across the back with belt while you’re doing rowing machine.

• Carries a water bottle filled with Jack Daniels.

• Hits you in the facew with pepper spray if you don’t finish a set.


• Keeps talking about some post his buddy Jack wrote on his dumbass blog.

Weightside Story

JACKIA

I feel sh*tty.

Pants don’t fit me.

I feel sh*tty, fulla pity and fat,

And I pity

Anybody who feels like that.


I feel heavy.

Oh so heavy.

Like a Chevy, so heavy I feel.

And so sh*tty,
Like I ate way too much last meal.

See the sh*tty guy in that mirror there?
How did his pants get so tight?
Such a flabby ass.
Such a flabby gut.
Such a flabby neck.
Such a flabby me!

I feel rotten.
Misbegotten.

Health forgotten,
And making me ill.
And I feel
My life heading straight downhill.




GIRLS

Have you met my good friend Jack Sh*tty?

The craziest dude in blogdom.

You'll know from the minute you read him.

He’ll inspire you to get out and jog some.

He thinks he’s so funny.

He thinks he’s a wit.

He isn’t that funny.

He don’t know Jack Sh*t.
But he tries really hard
To help and inspire.
He wants you to be healthy
And lose that spare tire.


So keep up with it
Stay more active
You don’t have to be the person you were.
Lazy and fat
Health on the decline.
Washing down Fritos
With glasses of wine.
Mister Sh*tty Man, Mr. Sh*tty man, post.
Mr. Sh*tty man, write one more post.

JACKIA

I feel sweaty.

Oh so steady.
And I’m ready to finally break free.
So tough titty,
Nothing's ever gonna stop me!
 


I feel hearty.

Not so farty.

I feel healthy and hearty and fine.

And so happy.

My future is finally mine.


See the muscley man in that mirror there.

How did his muscles get so puffy?

Such muscley lats.

Such muscley glutes
.
Such muscley guns.

Such a muscley me!

JACKIA & GIRLS

I feel happy.

Not so crappy.

Feel like running and trying my best.

For I’m healthy,

On a healthy health-finding quest!

Suffering from “Cramnesia”

Weekly weigh-in: 250.2
Loss: +.7
Total loss: -41.3

Emotion: Don’t remember

Apparently, I have come down with a mysterious ailment.

It seems that whenever I cram food in my piehole, I somehow forget about the whole concept that there is some sort o relationship between calories consumed and weight loss.

This “cramnesia” strikes at inopportune times, derailing my best efforts at making progress on the scale. I can spend an hour pumping out sweat in the gym, then absent-mindedly overdo it on the eating front.

The most frustrating thing is not that my doctor won’t prescribe something for my  “cramnesia” but refuses to acknowledge that it is even a medical condition. That’s the last time I search for a doctor on craigslist!

So anyway, if anyone has heard of a reliable treatment for “cramnesia”, please pass it along.

Working Out Why Working Out Sucks Doesn’t Suck (plus Giveaway)

I’ll be honest: I was a little apprehensive as I started reading Working Out Sucks! by Chuck Runyon, the CEO and Co-Founder of Anytime Fitness. I figured that it would be a book-length brochure for his fitness center enterprise, and besides… I was already in the choir that he was preaching to.

I mean, didn’t I write posts like “Working Out Really Sucks,” “You Know What Sucks? Working Out!” and “Nothing Sucks Like Working Out Sucks”? No, I’m asking. Did I write those posts? I’ve written a lot of stuff and I can’t keep track of it all…

But as I got into the book, I noticed that there was something about the tone… a little bit snarky while still being smart, a little bit in-your-face confrontational while staying lively and conversational, that sparked my interest. Oh, there’re plenty of informative facts and figures (as well as a 21-day health and fitness, plus coupons for a free 30-Day Anytime Fitness club pass or a complimentary one-year Anytime Health online membership), but the whole thing comes off more like an intervention.

 

Chuck goes into vivid detail about all the roadblocks that we face on our path to a healthier life–lack of time, not enough money and the other usual suspects–then proceeds to drive a steamroller over each and every one of them in turn.

And it’s all true. All the excuses that trip us up aren’t nearly as daunting or intimidating as we like to make them out to be.

But where the book really drew me in were the personal accounts of real people and their watershed moments of how they changed their lives through a commitment to exercise and healthy living. These short, first-person accounts (accompanied by before-and-after pics) read like short blog posts and really drive home the message more that statistics and speechifying ever could.

Simple changes can make your life better. You can make a small investment in yourself and your future and see dividends almost immediately. Some days, working out DOES suck, but the only thing that feels worse that exercising is NOT exercising.

Note: If you need one more reason to pick up Working Out Sucks!, all profits from the book are going to Limbs for Life, a global nonprofit organization providing prosthetic care for individuals who can’t otherwise afford it.

Giveaways Don’t Suck! I know how you are about paying for things, so here’s your opportunity to get a free copy of Working Out Sucks!, compliments of Anytime Fitness.

Enter the following two ways:

•    Mandatory Entry: Leave a comment on this post telling me what excuses you have used in the past to get out of working out.

•    Optional Extra Entry: Tweet the following…

@JackSht may suck but Working Out Sucks doesn’t! http://bit.ly/xOLnkc  #workingoutsucks

Giveaway ends this Sunday, January 8, at 10 PM CST. Good luck… and may God have mercy on your soul!

Fitfluential LLC compensated me for this sponsored post. All thoughts and opinions are my own.