I Am a Señor Citizen

Look at me, actually posting from half a world away. I'm taking my wife Anita and two of my daughters on trip to Seville, Spain and doing fantastic job of keeping my healthy living quest alive except for fact that I'm eating too much and consuming too much wine. And sherry!

Can you believe this is healthy?!?

Cathedral de Something-Something. 

My Spanish name is Señor Jack. 

KKK pops? 

Pisa! Olive that girl!

Insert your own "make the bull mad" joke here. 

My Spanish is pretty bad, but I think she said these were zero-calorie. 

Wish you were here. 

Hey, paella!

How many calories does flamenco dancing burn?

I miss you all thiiiiiiiiiiiis much!

Twenty Pounds Down, Headin' Outta Town

THE WEEKLY PHYSIQUELY

Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.

Last week’s weight: 250.4

Current weight: 249.8

Loss: .6 lb

Total loss since start of new year: 20.2 lbs.

Goal for coming week: On vacation; the hell with my goal for coming week!

I’m on the road for the next couple of weeks, traveling around southern Spain with my familia. 

If I can get the hang of blogging from a mobile device, I’ll check in from time to time, but don’t hold your breath. 

Hit the road, Jack!

A Few More Famous Movie Lines, Jack Sh*t-Style

“Shane. Shane! Come back! You can’t have that whole box of ice cream sandwiches, Shane!”

“Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna… get your damn hands off that chocolate, mister!”

“Today I consider myself the healthiest man on the face of the earth.”

“I’ll have what she’s having. And what he’s having.”

“There’s no place like Hooter’s.”

“Here’s looking at food, kid.”

“I have had it with these motherf^%ing gains on this motherf#$%ing scale!”

“Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. His pants seem to have ripped in the seat…”

“Oh, no, it wasn't the airplanes. It was heart disease brought on by a high-fat diet and a sedentary lifestyle that killed the Beast.”

“As God is my witness, I’ll always be hungry again.”

“There are many things my father taught me here in this room. He taught me, ‘keep your friends close, your enemies closer and that Velvetta cheese far, far away.’”

“You know what they call a Quarter Pounder with Cheese in Paris? A huge mistake.”

“I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let… ohhhhh… is that a croissant?”

“Get away from those chips, you bitch!”

“Yippie kay-yay, butter-lover.”

Use It If You Need To...

St Fatty’s Day Traditions

• Healthy (and lucky) four-leaf clover salad

• Dye swimming pool green and swim laps

• Shamrock Shakeweight

• T-shirt that says “Kiss Me, I’m Irish and Working Hard to Get a Lot Healthier”

• Leprechaun leg lifts

• 10K pub crawl

• Lucky Charms for breakfast (with skim milk… and don’t eat the marshmallow bits!)

• Lite green beer

• Do a squat, take a shot

• Irish diet soda bread

• Corned beets and cabbage

• Claim your pot of gold at the end of the treadmill

The Amazing Vanishing Man

Now you see me.

Now you don’t.

At least 3.5 lbs of me, that is. 

Magical!

THE WEEKLY PHYSIQUELY

Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.

Last week’s weight: 253.9

Current weight: 250.4

Loss: 3.5 lbs

Total loss since start of new year: 19.6 lbs.

Goal for coming week: 20 lbs down!

Romance the Pounds Away!

Hungry for Love by Anna Recksiek

A Red Hot Affair with the Candyman by Bess Eaton

Lust in the Lockerroom by Earl Lee Riser

A Recipe for Ecstasy by Russell Sprout

Really Hot Yoga: Downward Doggy-Style by Ben Dover 

Low-Fat Arousal by Eddie Bull

I Desperately Want You, But I’ve Still Got 20 Minutes on the Elliptical by Howie Doohan

Too Much Passion, Too Many Calories by Marsha Mellow

I Lost Enough for Him to Sweep Me Off My Feet by Kenya Dewit

Silk Stockings and Worn-Out Running Shoes by Ophelia Payne

The Rendezvous Without Fondue by Eaton Wright and Liv Good

To My Health’s Desire by Brock Lee

Low-Fat Infatuation by Chris Coe

Salmon Chanted Evening by Al K. Seltzer

Deep Lunges with My Personal Trainer by Tad Moore

A Date with Density by Chris P. Bacon

Romance and Tight Pants by Hugh Jass

No More Screwing Around (Well, Except for You-Know-What) by Walter Melon

Pre-Weigh Foreplay by Brighton Early

A Little Amour, A Little-a Less by Biff Wellington

Things Are About to Get Really Spicy (Since I Learned That Cooking With Cayenne Pepper Dramatically Increases Metabolism) by Jack Tupp

Spring Forward Health Tips

• Now that it's finally nice out, it's time to put away your tired old excuses ("It's too cold out there to work out") and come up with some fresh new excuses ("Wow, it's too nice outside to work out!")

• It's a little-known fact that children grow faster in spring. The good news? You aren't a child, sweetheart.

• There are lots of butterflies out, which are much healthier to cook with than butter.

• Taking an icy cold shower is energizing, improves circulation and leaves more hot water for me.

• Gardening can provide a high level of activity; however, be prepared to deal with some frustration as well. For example, that packet of Pop Rocks I planted last spring? Nothing. NOTHING!

• The American Podiatric Medical Association issued a report about the dangers of wearing flip-flop sandals. Adverse effects include stubbed toes, rolled or sprained ankles, tendinitis, arch pain and seeing my weird-looking feet.

•Daffodils are basically a zero-calorie food, so eat all you want (but be careful not to eat any of the poison parts).

Free Bait!

Wait... I mean "Free Bait & Switch!"

Wait, I mean click here for today's blog post.

Gone fishin'!

It's Like No One Used to Say...

You Can't Always Get What You Want

You can’t always get what you want.

No, you can’t always get what you want.

But if try sometime…

You just might find…

A really good weigh-in!

THE WEEKLY PHYSIQUELY

Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.

Last week’s weight: 258.0

Current weight: 253.9

Loss: -4.1 lbs.

Total loss since start of new year: 16.1 lbs.

Goal for coming week: Don’t do opposite of what I did last week.

Wedding Cake Crashers

Jack Sh*twith: Eclaire! Will you wait just a second? All I wanted was a second alone with you so I could explain things. But I’ve never gotten that chance. Maybe I don’t deserve it, so here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. I crashed weddings to eat free food. Business was good. I ate a *lot* of food. It was childish and it was unhealthy.

Eclaire: And pathetic.


Jack Sh*twith: Yeah. That’s probably the best word to describe it. But you know what? It also led me to you and your weight loss blog, so it’s hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that was commenting over at your blog? That was really me. Maybe not my name, I mean… who’s really named “Jack Sh*twith” by the way? Or my job. I’m not really a Knife Thrower’s Assistant’s Assistant. But the comments I left; the jokes, the words of encouragement, that was all me. I’ve changed. I’ve realized something. I crashed a funeral today.


Jeremy: [mutters] Oh Jesus.


Jack Sh*twith: It wasn’t my idea, I was basically dragged to it.
[to Jeremy] 
 I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He also might be a genius because it actually does work; they really serve a great spread at after-funeral get-togethers.


Eclaire: Jack!


Jack Sh*twith: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. That’s neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she’s a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world, and I realized we’re all going to kick the bucket eventually. That’s the way it is, but not me. Not right now. Because I can make positive changes in my life that actually give me a better chance to live a longer and more active life. Claire, I’m not standing here asking you to follow my blog or even leave a comment, I’m just asking you to maybe take a walk, eat a little better, take a chance.

“Buddy, for your own good you gotta let this go.” 

-Jeremy Grey, Wedding Crashers

More Things I've Said to the Girl Scouts…

• “Do you have any ‘Thinner Mints’?”

• “Legally, I'm allowed to shoot you with a gun and claim the 'Stand Your Ground on Your Scale' defense.”

• “Do-Si-Do? Oh-Me-No!”

• “I'm sorry; I usually don't slap little girls that aren't my daughters.”

• “Sorry, but I spent my last $10 buying canisters of Cheeze Whiz from the Seventh Day Adventists.”

• “Hmmmmmm, it would only take a week of strenuous exercise to work off three Cranberry Citrus Crisps...”

• “Do you accept Confederate dollars?”

• “No, I don't want any cookies, but I do wanna know why Brownies don't sell brownies.”

• “I realize that selling cookies is supposed to help you girls learn about money management, but I think you investing in my new Ponzi scheme would teach you a better lesson.”

• “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”

• “I'll take a box of Raw Celery Shortbread.”

• “Well, what can one box hurt?”

Ways to Celebrate Fit Tuesday

• Jog topless and catch beads thrown at you.

• Eat a slice of a King (Rice)Cake.

• Move your azz to some jazz.

• Drink a Hurrican’t (that’s a “Hurricane” without the rum, juice or syrup).

• Wear a mask to the gym (come to think of it, that’s a good idea anytime… who is that guy that never wipes his sweat off the elliptical?).

• Make a voodoo doll of yourself and then make it do 100 crunches

• Have my famous “bean-ignet” (benignets made from heart-healthy pinto beans)

• Jump over puddles of vomit on Bourbon Street.

• Don’t do any of the stuff you normally do to celebrate Mardi Gras.

A Few Diet-y Ditties

• It's considered pretty reckless to eat fish and chips for breakfast.

• If you order the whole menu, I'm gonna unfriend you.

• Dieting's more exhausting if you eat a can of frosting.

• Eat a lot of cheese if you like your pants to squeeze.

• It's hard to lose that pouch if you never leave the couch.

• If you don't eat your vegetables, I'll kick you in the genitals.

• It's okay to eat desserts if you run a marathon first.

• Oh, c'mon... for Pete's sake: don't eat a whole cheesecake.

• An hour on the treadmill will do more good than eating bread will.

• Eat a lot of fries to supersize your thighs.

• Read my blog each day and goof things will come your way (no, no... "good" things. WTF, Autocorrect?)

Sometimes You Have a Bad Week

THE WEEKLY PHYSIQUELY

Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.

Last week’s weight: 256.8

Current weight: 258.0

Loss: +1.2

Total loss since  start of new year: 12.0 lbs.

Goal for coming week: Do opposite of what I did last week.

Lemme tell you: I was killing 2014.

2014 was wearing a t-shirt that read: I AM JACK SH*T’S BITCH!

I would just glance over at 2014, and it would be like “I’m sorry, sir. Did I do something to offend you.”

I had taught 2014 to fetch, play dead and sit up and beg.

2014 and I had an understanding.

Or so I thought.

But no, 2014 was just playing along, letting me believe that I had it all figured out. That anything I did was going to work out in the end.

Thank you, 2014, for showing me that you’re just like every other year.

You’re going to make me work for it. 

You’re going to make me fight for it.

You’re going to make me earn everything you give me.

I wouldn’t have it any other way.

It’s still on, 2014.

It’s still on.