LEAST SH*TTY POSTS

Oh, The Weight You Will Lose

Congratulations!
You’re well on your way.
On the road to your Goal Weight!
You’re a loser, I say!

You have your head in the game,
And gusto in your gut.
You have made the decision
To work off your butt.
You know what to do. And you know that you know.
And YOU are the person who’ll make those pounds go.

You'll look up and down menus. What care you’ll be takin’.
You will order the salad, not a cheeseburger with bacon.
With your head in the game and your guts full of gusto,
You’ll take this journey down the path that it must go.

And you may find exercise
Will help manage your stress.
Will amp up your energy
And make you weigh less.

It's easier now
You are movin’ and groovin’.

Others can do this
And frequently do.
They’re getting it done
You CAN do it, too

And soon things’ll start happenin’
If you keep doing well.
You’ll see good results
When you hop on the scale.

OH!
THE WEIGHT YOU WILL LOSE!

You'll be on your way down!
You'll be wearing new clothes!
You'll join all the others
who reach for new lows.

Your behind will not lag, you’ll be feelin’ less flabby
You’ll find yourself thinkin’, “Hey, this ain’t too shabby.”
Whenever you weigh, you'll feel like the boss
Whenever you weigh, you will show a big loss.

Except when you don't.
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say it
But I’m just being real.
Yes, bad snacks
And Set-backs
Are part of the deal.

So you may find there’re days
When your ass will be draggin’.
In that case, of course,
You will fall Off the Wagon.

You may head off to Lunch
With a plan not to stray
Then eat your weight in shrimp
At a Seafood Buffet.

And while off the Wagon
You can gain back a ton.
And re-wagoning one's self
Is not easily done.

You may come to a place where you want to give in.
Where you think you’ll just live with your big double chin.
A place you’ll know that you’ll never know peace!
You don’t want to diet. You don’t want to increase.
How long can you live while you’re living obese?

And IF you give in, should you just try to forget it...
Forget that you tried once and just didn’t did it?
You couldn’t succeed, though you really did strive to?
Now you need something else to revive you.
Do you truly think you’ll find it there at the drive-thru?

You can get so down and out
That your heart will start racing,
And you’ll wonder if it’s a heart attack that you’re facing.
If not, you’ll continue to feed your fat face,
Headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Weighting Place...

...for people just weighting.
Waiting for a flash of light.
Waiting until the time is right.
Til’ your job eases up or the kids are grown
Or until you don’t feel so all alone.
Waiting around ‘til it’s just about too late
And piling more and more food on your plate.
And you’re starting to lose it.

Losing your will to start making a stand.
Losing your ability to do what you’ve planned.
Sitting there watching your waistband expand.
Or losing, perhaps, a big part of your future
Just begging for food like some beggy moocher.
Losing yourself, though that sounds kind of strange
Losing a chance that you can make a Change.
Everyone is just losing it.

NO!
That's not for you!

Somehow you will do it
The only losing you’ll observe
Is when you step on that scale
For the loss you deserve.

With your spirit still soaring,
Once more weight’ll be dropping.
There’s nothing that’ll stop you.
For you there’s no stopping!

Oh, the weight you will lose! There are goals to be met.
There is work to be done. There’s still sweat you can sweat.
And you will do great in your quest to be small.
Why, you’ll be the losingest-est loser of all.
Success! You’ll be as fit as a fiddle
With a whole lot less mess stuck ‘round your middle.

Except when you fail
And things don't go so well.

I'm afraid that some weigh-ins
Will show a big gain.
And you’ll feel that this whole
Rigamarole is in vain.

Big and fat!
Whether you like it or not,
You’ll feel that you’ll never
Lose diddly-squat.

It’s so frustrating, but there's a very good chance
That you’ll one day be wearing your not-so-fat pants.
There is no reason at all this weight has to haunt you.
All it will take is some will and some want-to.

And so on you will go
Though your stomach will growl.
On you will go
You won't throw in the towel!
On you will go
And it’s time to go now.
Downward you’ll go
Past milestones and goals.
We’re losing our backsides
And saving our souls.

On and on you will go,
And I know you’ll achieve it.
All it takes is a plan
And that you really believe it.

You'll have bad days, of course,
As you already know.
You'll stumble and struggle
You’ll stub your fat toe.
But you’ll get to your feet
And you’ll get back on track.
And if you don’t believe that
Then you don’t know Jack.
Just never forget the advice that I’m giving
Get fit and enjoy this life that you’re living.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(100 and 27 percent guaranteed.)

KID, YOU'LL LOSE TONS!

So...
Be your name Julia Goulia or the fitness wonder twins.
Fitarella, Kristen, Roni or my other good friends.
You're off on a Great Journey!
Today is your day, friend!
Your new life is waiting.
So...have a great weigh-in!

Reversing It

I will always be fat
And I refuse to believe that
I can lose this weight
I do
I realize that isn’t the way most people think but
“Eating to live instead of living to eat”
That’s just not working out, and I truly believe
Eating what I want will make me happier in the end
It’s just a big fat lie, thinking
Being fit is the most important thing in my life
Now I understand that
Making myself happy with food
Is more important than
Making myself healthy with food
And this much is true:
People are succeeding at losing weight every day
But I know in my heart this will not be the case for me
This could wind up killing me
Doctors tell me
I will shorten my life and steal time away from my family
Right now it doesn’t seem possible that
I can change my ways and be fit for the rest of my life
This is what I believe:
This journey is just too tough for me
I don’t want to even consider the fact that
I can control the causes of my shortcomings and my failings
It’s just a fact of life that
People like me are weak-willed and lazy
And it’s ridiculous to believe that
I will lose weight and be healthy

That’s how I used to think; then I chose to reverse it (read from the bottom up).

Sea of Possibilities

So there you are, in your little boat, bobbing along in the middle of a vast, seemingly endless ocean.

Some days the wind catches your sails and scoots you along, making your journey easy and effortless. It doesn’t even seem like work as you breezily skip across the water, enjoying the salt air and sunshine.

Most days, however, your progress doesn’t come that easy. More likely, it depends on you sticking your oars in the water and rowing for all you are worth.

And some days the waves will push you away from where you want to go. That doesn’t seem quite fair, I know, but the ocean makes its own rules.

And every day, you’ll have to decide…

Should I turn back?

Am I content going nowhere?

Will I give in?

Right now, it may seem that your goal is forever-and-a-day away. You’re lost and alone and the challenge ahead of you seems so large and intimidating.

But remember this: you had the courage and commitment to strike out to sea. You crossed huge hurdles and passed through severe storms.

You’ve made it this far.

Spotting dry land may take months, may take years, but if the course you’ve plotted is true, then one day –– and maybe one day soon –– you’ll make it to where you’re headed and be strengthened by the experience all the more.

Your hopes, your dreams, your goals… they’re out there, within grasp if you power through and persevere. Each day that you keep pushing forward, each day that you stay pointed in the right direction... well, it's one day closer to your goal.

Bon voyage.

“A ship in port is safe, but that's 

not what ships are built for.”

–Grace Hopper

 

The Raven-ous

Once upon a morning fleeting, I was pondering what I was eating,
Logging in my early meal’s caloric score
I was finally able to finagle, how many carbs were in that bagel,
When suddenly there came a rapping, rapping on my kitchen door.
“'Tis my wife,” I softly muttered. “Returning from the grocery store.
Only this, and nothing more.”

I put down my bread (unbuttered), “Honey, is that you?” I uttered,
“Do you need some help with the groceries that you purchased at the store?”
Then a awful chill shot through me, when it suddenly came to me
That this rapping wasn’t from my spouse returning from the store.
In the window was the blackest, fattest bird I’ve seen before,
And he chirped out: “Eat some more.”

I gazed down at my morning spread, which had not left me well-fed.
“Sir,” said I, “or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I’m on a diet, (and it appears that you should try it),
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my kitchen door.
Are you some mysterious beast that came from mythological lore?”
Quoth the raven: “Eat some more.”

So I flung open the pantry wide, to find the delicious food inside,
I grabbed cookies, cakes and crackers, then I scoured the shelves for more
Pop-Tarts, pretzels filled my arms: half a box of Lucky Charms,
I laid it all out on the table, rich and tasty snacks galore.
And perched at the window, just beside the kitchen door,
Laughed the raven: “Eat some more.”

Then this ebony bird beguiling (I could swear that he was smiling),
As he stared upon the table laden down with foodstuffs by the score
How did my morning meal turn into something so surreal?
Ghastly grim and ancient raven wandering from the nightly shore -
Tell me why you want me eating, why do you put my will to war?
Quoth the raven, “Eat some more.”

Well, that devil, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting
Sitting patiently and waiting right beside my kitchen door;
And he wants to see me cheating, only happy when I’m eating
And he’ll always be beside me no matter how much I ignore.
But my heart and soul are stronger than they’ve ever been before
And I shall be tempted - Nevermore!

apologies to Edgar Allen Poe