Taking the W.I.D.T.H.ness Stand

There are seemingly a million reasons why we're on this journey, from the frivolous to the serious, from fun and games to life and death. Some of us want it for ourselves and others for those around us. Some because they want more out of this life and some because they expect more out of themselves. What's your reason? What drives you down this path to living a more healthy life? What's your motivation?

That's not a rhetorical question, dumbass! Jot down your answer on a card, a scrap of paper, your hand... and find some way to electronically deliver it to jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com. Be sure to include a blog link if you'd like it included.

You keep 'em coming and I'll keep 'em coming...

 

Kat @ This Single Serving Life

Alex @ Adventures of a DONE Girl Named Alex

Lucy @ Diminishing Lucy

Janna @ Happiness Is A Journey for Janna

Val @ Seattlerunnergirl's Blog

Sam @ Slimmin' Sam

Kyra @ A Foodie Gets Fit

Tonyne @ The Unlikely Success Story

Do What I Say And Be Amazingly Healthy!

• An easy way to remember to drink water is to wear an Aqua-Man costume at all times.

• Take a multi-vitamin every day or one really, really big one once a month.

• Instead of taking the elevator at work, take the stairs; if you’re already taking stairs, offer co-worker a piggyback ride up stairs.

• Adopt a positive body image, no matter how ridiculous you look.

• Drink Oolong tea. I don’t know if it’s good for you or not, but I really like saying “Oolong.”

• Cranberry juice contains a substance that appears to keep bacteria from sticking to the walls of the urinary tract and has been shown to help prevent UTIs. Add it to vodka, which contains a substance that appears to make the world a more wonderful place to inhabit.

• Schedule an annual check-up at least once every 10 years.

• One way to get more fresh fruits and vegetables is to get stranded on a deserted island where fresh fruits and vegetables are plentifully available.

• Instead of spending a lot of time writing interesting and informative content for your blog, just fart out a stupid list and then go outside for a walk.

A Little Less Social Media

A little less social media, a little more action please.
All this time on Facebook’s gettin’ the better of me. 

A little mo’ runnin’ and a little less tweets,

Less Linkedin and a lot less eats.
Close your keyboard, get some exercise and get less chunky.



Jacky, fire up your ipod and listen to some music
Run like sick gazelle.
Got a beer gut and it’s time to lose it,
Come along with me and we’ll tame that scale.


A little less social media, a little more action please.

Pinning on Pinterest ain’t pinning no losses on me.

A little more diet and a little less fuss,

A little more fight and less Google Plus+.

Close your laptop, open up your gym bag and get less chunky.

Get less chunky, baby.



Come on baby, I’m tired of tweeting.

The time we got sure is fleeting.

Come on, come on.

Come on, come on.

Come on, come on.

Don’t procrastinate, let’s activate.

Hey, it’s getting late, gettin upset when I gain a pound

.

A little less social media, a little more action please.

All this sedentary lifestyle sure is fattenin’ me.

A little more on trail and a little more help
.
A little less email and a little less Yelp.

Close your browser, open up your life and baby, get less chunky. 

Get less chunky, baby.

Tips for Living a Longer Life

• Celebrate your birthday every month.

• My grandfather lived to be over 90 and he smoked, drank and ate red meat every day (of course, he spent last 30 years at hospital hooked up on life-support, but still…)

• If you’re doing something strenuous, and you see a blinding light and hear a choir of angels singing, immediately stop.

• Every day, practice giving yourself the Heimlich Maneuver.

• Recent studies show that smokers who give up cigarettes add years to their life; so if you're currently a non-smoker, you should start take up smoking and then stop.

• If your parents live to a very old age, it greatly increases your chances, so resist the urge to kill them when you’re trying to show them how to work a computer.

• Try not to marry a serial killer.

• According to a research report from the National Highway Traffic and Safety Administration, seatbelts save approximately 13,000 lives in the United States each year, so replace your regular belt with a seatbelt.

• Protect your bones at including at least one calcium-rich food each day as well as praying to Osteoporosis, the god of skeletal health.

• Download a defibrillator app.

• Do not partake in especially risky endeavors, such as cliff-diving, texting while driving or telling me that today’s blog post really blows.

LB Showing on the Weigh-in When She Weighs

LB showing on the weigh-in when she weighs
LB showin’ on the weigh-in when she weighs
LB showin’ on the weigh-in
LB showin’ on the weigh-in when she weighs

Shouldn’t have eaten six whole hot dogs a’fore she weighed.
Shouldn’t have eaten six whole hot dogs a’fore she weighed.
Shouldn’t have eaten six whole hot dogs.
Shouldn’t have eaten six whole hot dogs.
Shouldn’t have eaten six whole hot dogs afore she weighed.

Oh, we’ll all be here to console her when she weighs.
Oh, we’ll all be here to console her when she weighs.
Oh we’ll all be here to console her.
All be here to console her.
Oh, We’ll all be here to console her when she weighs.

Well, she’ll slip off her pajamas when she weighs.
Well, she’ll slip off her pajamas when she weighs.
Well, she’ll slip off her pajamas.
Slip off her pajamas.
It’ll piss off everyone at Weight Watchers when she weighs.

Now she’s gettin’ more excited when she weighs.
Now she’s gettin’ more excited when she weighs.
Exercisin’ and eatin’ right.
It’s a lifestyle more than diet.
Now she’s gettin’ more excited when she weighs.

Stuck on “Suck”

Weekly weigh-in: 255.3
Loss: +3.9
Total loss: -36.1

Emotion: March games bring weight gains

Like my momma always said: “It’s all fun and games until somebody gets fat.”

I need to make some big changes.

Watch this space…

Tips for Healthy Life Living

• When you order salad at a restaurant, have the dressing served on the side you can’t reach.

• Start your day off by eating a big breakfast. It helps you not be too hungry for lunch. Then eat a really big lunch so you won’t be hungry for dinner.

• Instead of whole milk, switch to 1 percent. If you drink one 8-oz glass a day, you’ll lose 5 lb in a year (note: if you forget to drink during the year, do not make the mistake of drinking 2,912 ounces of milk on December 31).

• Make exercise a nonnegotiable priority, unless the ransom gets up to over $1,000,000.

• A healthy afternoon snack is a hamper full of nuts. They provide… what? A handful? Are you kidding me?

• An easy way to improve your posture is to stand up straight.

• Brush your teeth in between bites of dinner.

• A registered dietician can assist you in designing a nutritional plan you’ll find months later and have a good laugh about.

• You know what’s good for emotional eating? Tortilla chips and Rotel dip! You know what’s good for not emotional eating? Me either.

I Am... And Always Will Be... Your Boogie Man

Baby, babe, let’s get fit together.

Honey, hon, me and you.
And eat the things, ah, eat the things.

That we’re supposed to.


Do a workout, sweat a little sweat,

Get down this week.

Get down this week.

Do a workout, sweat a little sweat,

Get down this week.

Get down this week.

Baby, babe, I'm just like you,

Same probs, same strifes.

But it’s time for us to get it together.

And change up our lives.


Do a workout, make a little sweat,

Get down this week.

Get down this week.

Another workout, sweat more sweat,

Get down this week.

Get down this week.



Do a workout, make a little sweat,

Get down this week.

Get down this week.

Do a workout, sweat a little sweat,

Get down this week. (Woo)

Get down this week. Baby.



Get down, get down, get down, get down,

Get down this week, baby.

Get down, get down, get down, get down,

Get down this week baby.

Get down, get down, get down, get down,

Get down this week baby.

Get down, get down, get down, get down,

Get down this week baby.

Get down, get down, get down, get down,

Get down this week baby.

Get down, get down, get down, get down,

Get down this week baby.

Get down, get down, get down, get down,

Get down this week baby.
Get down, get down, get down, get down,

Get down this week baby.
Come on down on that scale, baby.

Betty Botter

Betty Botter bought some butter,
But, she said, I should be better.
If I put this in my batter,
It will make my booty bigger.
I should not be a butter biter.
I should cook with something lighter.
So, she went light on the butter.
Better food she tried to feed ‘er.
Tried to treat her body better,
And her fanny got more fitter.
So, ‘twas better Betty Botter
Bought herself a better body.

If you like this (and really... what's not to like?), then you definitely need to skedaddle on over to check out my new collection of healthy living-inspired nursery rhymes at the Anytime Health site.

Ways to Use Your New iPad 3 to Lose Weight

• Balance iPad on your head while you do 500 lunges.

• Eat salad off of it.

• Improve your 5K time by yelling “Anyone who catches me can have this iPad for free!” as you run through park.

• Download app that fills your spirit with motivation and determination.

• Use it to help you consume more H20; each day, you should strive to drink three iPads worth of water.

• An hour’s worth of playing “Angry Birds” can burn up to 3 calories.

• Keep iPad clenched between your teeth from time you finish dinner until bedtime.

• Reward yourself with a new app every time you don’t eat something unhealthy.

• Invent some kind of doohickey that allows you to hook up iPad to bicycle and recharge it my peddling.

• Hire someone to threaten to drop iPad in toilet if you eat a cupcake.

• Sell your iPad and use money to join nearby gym.

The Orifice

So how I normally blog goes something like this…

I zone out while I’m jogging on the treadmill (or treading on the jogmill), and come up with a ridiculous idea for a blog post, such as a parody of the TV show The Office where all the characters are renamed stupid stuff like Slim Halpern (no… wait… make that “Heartburn”) or Diet Schroot.

Then I spend an hour or so jotting down ideas, funny snips of dialog (“That’s what she ate…”)  and some kind of outline for a little story. I also spend a little time trying to figure out a way to shoehorn a tiny amount of actual relevant health information into it somewhere.

Then I spend a couple of hours turning all these pieces into a blog post. I spend a lot of nights sitting in my TV room (“The Spicy Crib”) with a laptop in my lap writing and rewriting. I’ve convinced myself I’m multitasking, hanging out with my daughter Pisa and blogging, but what I’m doing is spending a lot of time on my ass, my heart rate at a bare minimum.

Don’t get me wrong: I love putting together these posts. And on some level, they do help keep me focused on what I’m doing.

But on another level, I’m coming to the realization that I’m spending more and more time on blogging than on what I’m really blogging about (“getting fit”).

I spiked my “Orifice” post and wrote this in 15 minutes.

Now I’m about to hop on the elliptical for the kind of workout that always leaves me hot, sweaty and satisfied.

I know, I know… that’s what she said.

Meet Your New Life Coach

It's me.

I'm your new life coach.

And the first order of business is for me to send you scurrying off to check out my guest post "20 More Ways to Improve Your Crappy Life" over at Freaking Fitness.

After that.... ummmmm... I'll think of something else for you to do...

I Know a Fat Lady Who Swallowed a Fry

I know a fat lady who swallowed a fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who swallowed hard cider.
It splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her.
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who chowed on some bread.
That’s what I said, she chowed on some bread.
She swallowed the bread to go with the cider,
That splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her.
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who swallowed a cake,
Goodness sake, she downed a whole cake!
She swallowed the cake right after the bread.
She chowed on the bread to go with the cider,
That splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her.
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who swallowed a hot dog.
My, what a hog, to woof down a dog!
She woofed down the dog to chase down the cake,
She took the cake after chowing on bread,
She chowed on the bread to go with the cider,
That splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her,
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who swallowed a ham.
Didn’t give a damn, just crammed in that ham!
She crammed the ham like she woofed down the dog.
She woofed down the dog to chase down the cake.
She took the cake after chowing on bread.
She chowed on the bread to go with the cider,
That splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her.
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who went on a binge.
It still makes me cringe how she went on that binge.
She went on the binge after cramming the ham.
She crammed the ham like she woofed down the dog.
She woofed down the dog to chase down the cake.
She took the cake after chowing on bread,
She chowed on the bread to go with the cider,
That splashed and sloshed and trickled inside her,
She swallowed the cider to wash down the fry.
I don't know why she swallowed that fry.
Why won’t she try?

I know a fat lady who asked herself “Why?”
I think she’ll try!

March Fatness

Weekly weigh-in: 251.4

Loss: -.4




Total loss: -40.0

Emotion: Filled with March Madness

I usually spend the month of March on a beer I.V. watching basketball until my eyes roll back in my head and my ass grows numb from lack of movement.

However, this year… ummmmm…. Ummmm… ummmmmm….  I’m probably going to do the same thing this year; it’s called “March Madness,” not “March Moderation,” after all.

Okay, so I’ll try to keep in mind that there’s a connection between beer swilling and belly swelling, and I’ll watch some games on an elliptical or treadmill instead of splayed out in an easy chair.

And I’ll pledge right here, right now to only spend my NCAA pool winnings on something extra healthy.*


*If you’re in my pool, I’m offering a special deal in which you can just pay me half of the winnings before the tournament starts. You save 50%! Those savings can add up!

Open for Pin-ness

Yes, I'm on Pinterest.

What I’ve Said to the Girl Scouts…

• “Do you have any ‘Thin Mints’ that actually make you thin?”

• “I’m sorry, but Jamie Oliver says they use that pink slime to make Girl Scout cookies and I’m not supposed to buy them anymore.”

• “I’m sorry, but what part of ‘Look, I’ll cut a b*tch’ did you not understand?”

• “I’m sorry, but if I bought a box of cookies from you, I’d have to buy a box from the other 10,000 million Girl Scouts all over the world. Fair’s fair!”

• “I wish you girls would get whoever makes the Boy Scouts’ sh*tty popcorn to make your cookies. Those guys could screw up a wet dream.”

• “You can stick that box where the sun doesn’t Do-Si-Do!”

• “Sorry, but I spent my last $5 buying a box of beef jerky from the Jehovah’s Witnesses.”

• “I’d like to support you, but I just don’t eat cookies anymore; can I just write you a bad check instead?”

• “GET BACK, SATAN!”

• “I know it’s a good cause, but I need cookies like I need a box of Girl Scout cookies.”

• “Look, I’ve got three daughters; I’m not afraid to slap a little girl.”

• “No, no, no… a thousand times NO. Ummm… well, maybe just one box of Somoas…”

More Health Tips to Make You Healthy

• Only eat refined sugar if you refine it yourself.

• Always choose brown rice over Rice Krispies.

• Don’t put anything on your skin you wouldn’t eat (but don’t feel like you have to eat everything you put on your skin).

• If you want a snack that tastes exactly like a cookie, try an almond stacked on top of a dried apricot stacked on top of a cookie.

• One hour of biking can get you incredibly lost.

• Keep a journal of everything you eat as well as everything you don’t eat.

• An easy way to remember to take a vitamin daily is to hire a Vitamin Reminder Assistant.

• If your car has cruise control and a sunroof and you’re confident you can steer with your feet… well,  I made up this new exercise I’ve been wanting to try out on somebody.

• One thing that made me look a lot thinner was learning how to effectively use PhotoShop.

• Remember this saying: “Cake for dinner won’t make you thinner.”

• It’s a good idea not to eat while standing in the sink.

• Not filling your automobile’s cup-holders with cheese dip saves you a bunch of calories and makes cleaning up your car easier.

Diet Club

The first rule of Diet Club is -- you always talk about Diet Club.

The second rule of Diet Club is -- you ALWAYS talk about Diet Club 

The third rule of Diet Club is – when someone cheats or overeats, the diet is not over. 

Fourth rule is -- only one person to a diet. 

Fifth rule -- one diet at a time. 

Sixth rule -- no shakes, no sodas. 

Seventh rule -- diets go on as long as they have to. 

And the eighth and final rule -- if this is your first time at Diet Club, you have to diet.

Forward Ho! (Who you calling a "Ho"?)

Weekly weigh-in: 251.9
Loss: -.6



Total loss: -39.6
Emotion: Directionally challenged

If you’re not moving forward, you’re moving backwards.

Well, come to think of it, I guess you could be going sideways.

Or diagonally. You definitely could be going diagonally.

Oh, I suppose you could be going in some sort of zig-zag pattern.

You could go two steps forward, then one step to the side like that horsey guy on the chessboard.

You can even stand still, as long as you don’t make a habit of it.

Lots and lots of options.

I think I’ll try go forward for a bit.

Into the W.I.D.T.H.-erness

Each of us has our own personal reason(s) for wanting to be more healthy. 

I share mine all the time. I share other peoples' occasionally. 

I'd love to share your reason, too.

Think about it, then jot down why you're on this weight loss/healthy living trek. 

Take a photo and then send it to me at jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com. 

Be sure and include a blog link if you want it included.

Why are you doing this? I'd really like to know...

Enz @ DownwardtrEnz

Amanda @ Fat to Fit Girl

Untypically Jia @ Untypically Jia

Alwaysjoy @ More Than EDNOS

Kit @ Kick Ball Change to Happiness

Mom To The Fourth Power @ Believing It's Possible Is Half the Battle

Paula @ PaulaWannaCracker

The Doctor Is In...

In honor (wait... honor may not be the exactly right word in this instance) of the official birthday of Dr. Seuss, I've collected all my well-intentioned rip-offs in one place. Enjoy!

Oh, The Weight You Will Lose


The Beetches

The Cat in the Fat

Lean Legs and Ass


Sh*twick the Big-Bottomed Goof

Oh, The Changes You Can Change

How The Binge Stole Fit-Mas

The Lardass

And if that doesn't leave you sufficiently entertained/inspired, then head over to the Anytime Health site and check out my newest contribution, The Slimshank Redemption.

I'm Too Chunky

Here I go
Standing on the scale.
I don’t need to look down to know,
I’m as big as a whale.

Hey, hey, I’m too chunky.

I know that I’ve been monkeyin’ around.

I’ve been too busy chompin’,

To bring those numbers down.



I just eat whatever I want to,
Drink what I like to drink.
But now I know if I wanna weigh less,
I gotta change the way I think.



Hey, hey, I’m too chunky;
I’m tired of just monkeyin’ around.
Time to get busy working,

Turn this whole thing around.

I’m just trying to be healthy;
Come watch me blog and weigh.

This may be a bad situation,
But tomorrow’s gonna be a new day.



Hey, hey, I’m too chunky,
I’m doing something ‘bout it, my friend.

So you had better get ready,

‘Cuz I expect you to join in.



Hey, hey, we’re too chunky!

And maybe we’ve been monkeyin’ around.

But now we’re all busy changin’,

And nothin’s gonna bring us down.