More Weight-Loss Tips for the Incredibly Rich

• Take off your diamond ring before weighing in; that sucker must be over 5 lbs!

• Have your chauffeur park in the farthest parking space when you’re on your next shopping spree.

• If you’re having Iranian Beluga caviar, from the eggs of an extremely rare albino sturgeon found in the Caspian Sea, try putting it on reduced-fat Wheat Thins.

• It’s incredibly tempting to eat the food that children leave on their plates at mealtimes, so consider packing up your kids and sending them to a very nice boarding school.

• Give yourself $10,000 every time you meet one of your weight-loss goals.

• Make working out more convenient by joining every single gym in your city.

• Not getting enough fruits and vegetables in your diet? Why not try screaming at your personal chef?

• Do arm exercises with any gold bars you have laying around the house.

• Can’t quit drinking champagne every day? Try switching to diet Dom Perignon.

• Positive reinforcement can be a key component for weight loss, so hire somebody to follow you around and tell you how fantastic your ass looks in those jeans.

House of Carbs

“For my first act as president of the United States, I’m going to outlaw bread,” said President Jack, rapping his secret decoder ring sharply against the top of the desk in the Oval Office.

“Excuse me, sir,” said the new Vice-President. “I don’t think you have the authority to…”

“I CAN DO ANY DAMN THING I WANT. I’M THE FREAKIN’ PRESIDENT OF THE FREAKIN’ UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! NOT AMERICAN’T!”

“I still don’t understand how that came to pass,” said the VP, shaking his head.

“What’s so hard to understand?” said President Jack. “The president, vice-president, speaker of the house, speaker pro tempore, secretary of state, secretary of treasury, secretary of defense and attorney general all died in a motorcycle accident.”

“Well, what about the Secretary of the Interior or the Secretary of Agri…”?

“I’M THE FREAKIN’ PRESIDENT, OKAY?”

“Yes, sir,” said the VP. “It’s just that I don’t believe…”

“Not another word!” sneered President Jack, turning to look at the camera. “The road to power is paved with hypocrisy. And casualties. And luck. I was lucky to get the president and the others into that motorcycle sidecar, after all. But it all went according to me and my wife Éclair’s master plan, to which there were but but three rules:  number one - never quit. Number two - always remember rule number one. And number three - don’t make any more rules than absolutely necessary.”

“Who are you talking to?” asked the VP. “You know I can hear you.”

“I’m going to do what has never been done in this country,” swore President Jack. “I’m going to make sure every man, woman and child has access to proper nutrition.”

“The press is hammering you about this monumental government overreach.”

“So what if I tricked that reporter into eating kale in a smoothie,” said President Jack. “It’s not like I killed her, is it. Oh wait…”

“But there’s one thing you forgot when you planned to outlaw bread,” said the VP.

“What’s that?”

“Pizza crust is made out of bread,” remarked the VP.

A blood-curdling scream filled the Oval Office.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!”

Hard-Working Health Tips for the Office

• Ask receptionist to replace bowl of candy on front desk with platter of fresh chard.

• Don’t make out with any co-workers who exhibit cold or flu symptoms.

• Studies have found that some privacy at work can boost job performance and satisfaction, so hide out in the supply closet for at least an hour a day.

• Staring at a computer screen all day can cause your eyes to get tired and dry, so spend a few minutes each hour crying inconsolably.

• During long business meetings, try to organize a quick hoe-down; square dancing burns a surprising amount of calories!

• You can tell if you are choosing the right ergonomic office chair if the price tag makes you say “errrrrrg!”

• Preparing your meals and snacks for the next day the night before is a good idea. Eating those meals and snacks in the driveway on your way to work is not.

• Stand while you’re on hold when you’re on the phone with Comcast, but only attempt this if you’re in good enough shape to be on your feet for 12 hours or more.

I Am Mother Goose!

Jaa Jaa Jack Sh*t

Jaa Jaa Jack Sh*t,

Have you any food?

Yes sir, yes sir,

Three bags full!

Two fulla veggies,

One fulla fruit.

All to keep me lookin’ good

In my birthday suit

Jaa Jaa Jack Sh*t,

You’re so smart with food.

Yes sir, yes sir,

I’m the good-food dude!

Beer, Beer Go Away
Beer beer go away,
Please don’t fill my Saturday.
Little Jackie’s gotta weigh.

Sing a Song of Six Pounds



Sing a song of six pounds,

A mouth full of cheese;

Eatin’ til you can’t breathe, 

Pants begin to squeeze.



When you finally had enough

Your life began to shift.

When you began to give a crap,

You gave yourself a gift.

Now you watch what you consume

And exercise each day.

The results? They speak for themselves

Just look at what you weigh!

It’s a great thing that you’ve done

You’re wearing smaller clothes.

You’re soaring like a black-bird

On this healthy course you chose.

Diddle Diddle Dumbass

Diddle, diddle, dumbass, my son Jack,

Ate ten 100-calorie snack bags for a snack

That’s 1,000 calories,

If you’re keeping track.

Diddle, diddle, dumbass, my son Jack!

Yankee Doodle Fatty

Jackie Doodie went to town,

Sad about his bigness.

Decided to visit a buffet,

And put it out of business.
 

Jackie Doodie, keep it up.

Jackie Doodie, fatty.

Keep on chowing down like that,

And life will end quite badly.

Jackie Doodie went on a diet,

Cut back on snacks and candy.

Lost a bunch of weight, by God,

And now he’s feelin’ dandy.

Jackie Doodie, keep it up.

Jack Doodie, healthy.

Keep on eating like you should

And your future’ll be more carefree.

Jackie Doodie went to the gym,

And ran upon the treadmill,

That’ll do more for your bod

That being overfed will.

Jackie Doodie, keep it up.

Jack Doodie, sweaty.

Running isn’t quite so tough

Without that big ol’ belly.

“Grease” Is Not Necessarily the Word

Slimmer livin’, had me a blast.

Slimmer livin’, lost so much ass!

Met my foe: obesity.


Met my future: fit as can be.

Slimmer days,

They’re here to stay,


And, uh oh, those slimmer nights!

Well-a, well-a, well-a, uh!


Tell me more, tell me more.

Are you better in bed?


Do it more, do it more.

Hey now… that’s what she said.

She looked at me, tightening my belt
.

She said to me, you look a smidgen more svelte.


Saved my life, now that I’m less obese.

Ask my wife, sex drive’s increased.

Slimmer bod, still kinda flawed,

And, uh oh, those slimmer nights.


Well-a, well-a, well-a, uh!


Tell me more, tell me more

Hey, a gent doesn’t say.

Tell me more, tell me more

Just passed fifty-one shades of gray.

Feelin’ good, she thinks I’m hot stuff.

Oh my god, I’m dancin’ round in the buff.

We make out like a couple of teens

Snake is out, if you knows what I means.

Slimmer frame, that’s still my aim.

And, uh oh, those slimmer nights.