Ways to Liven Up Your Workout

I can’t make going to the gym fun, but I can make going to the gym fun! (If you think that doesn’t make sense, then read on, my friend! It only goes downhill from here…)

• Have personal trainer assign you a gym nickname (mine is “Mister Creampuff”)

• Listen to music on your iPod. What? You said you already do that? OH, YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING! GIVE IT A REST!

• Skittlebells (that’s my invention; it’s an ordinary kettlebell with Skittles hot-glued all over it)

• Loudly talk to yourself in your own made-up language

• Make a new friend (using one of my handy, dandy Fitness Center Conversation Starters™)

            - “Look how puffy my muscles are getting!”

            - “Will you be my treadmill partner?”

            - “Hey, wanna watch me do arm curls?”

- “Will you give me an honest assessment of my glutes?”


- “Hey, you’ve got a wireless cell phone.”

- “Check out how ripped I am. Yeah, I mean my pants.”

- “I like to listen to nature sounds on my iPod when I’m on the treadmill; I can almost imagine I’m actually walking outside.”

-  “I think there’s too much ‘ham’ in my hamstring.”

- “You know what would be a cool name for an exercise: ‘The Abdominal Snowman.’”

 
- “I once had an out-of-body experience on that piece of equipment.”

-  “I’m just curious: what’s your social security number?”

- “Who’s the StairMaster? I’M THE STAIRMASTER!”

 
- “You know what this gym needs? A Moon Bounce!”

 
- “Aren’t these workout gloves soft? They’re made out of human skin.”

           

-  “Excuse me, but what’s a good exercise for your headtoid muscles?”

-  “You know, when I finish my workout, I feel just like a beautiful butterfly.”

• You’ll get a better workout from a highly motivated personal trainer, so before your session, inform her that you just slashed her tires.

• While on the treadmill, carry lit sparklers and hum The Battle Hymn of the Republic.

• Spandex everything, baby!

• When you’re at the gym, pretend that one of the other people there is a murderer. Ask questions to the people around you and see if you can guess who it is (hint: the murderer likes the elliptical).

· Work out in 3-D.

Healthy Traditions for the Holidays

• Christmas caroling combined with 10K run

• Egg-substitute nog

• Banana Claus!

• Kale cut into Christmas cookie shapes

• Jingle kettlebells

• Fruitcake that doesn’t have any cake in it

• Mistletoe salad

• Raw nutcracker

• Eight maids a’lifting

• Nativity scene includes Wise Men on treadmills

• Kickboxing Day

• Gingerbread house made from melba toast, hummus and kalamata olives

• Insert your own "Hide the Pickle" joke here

• Leave plate of celery sticks and carrots for Santa

• Three sets of Poinsettia-Ups

• Gather the family in the living room for It’s A Wonderful Workout

Annie on Adkins!

[ORPHANS]
It’s the carb-not life for us!
It’s the carb-not life for us!

[ANNIE]
‘Steada taters,

[ORPHANS]
We get beef!

[ANNIE]
‘Steada candy,

[ORPHANS]
We eat meat!

[ALL]
It’s the carb-not life!

Got no breadsticks on our plate.
It’s the carb-not fate we hate!

[ANNIE]
Cottage cheese,

[ORPHANS]
‘Steada of wheat!

[ANNIE]
All our French fries

[ORPHANS]
Made of meat!

[ALL]
It’s the carb-not life!

[ANNIE]
Don’t you feel like some pancakes at a cafe?

[KATE AND TESSIE]
Don’t it seem like there’s never any fruit?

[DUFFY AND JULY]
Once a day, don’t you wanna glass of OJ?

[MOLLY AND PEPPER]
This diet’s really cloggin’ up my chute.

[ANNIE]
No one shares when you’re dining at a restaurant!
No one cares if there’s no rice on your fork!
No one cares that you can’t eat what you want!

[ALL]
Everybody thinks it’s great you get to pig out on some pork!

Ohhhh!!!!!!!
Meaty, meaty life!
Nothing sweatie life!
Carb dismissal life!
Lotta gristle life!

[MOLLY]
What’s this? Turkey.

[ANNIE]
Santa Claus brings us
Jerky.

[ALL]
No one cares a bit, my friends.
When you’re dietin’ on Adkins!

[MOLLY]
(Making a whistling sound and imitating Miss Sh*ttigan)

Get up and eat your chicken eggs.

For lunch we’re having chicken legs.

[ORPHANS]
Yank a bag of crunchy chips.
Stick a Ring Pop through your lips.
Eat some garlic toast again.
We love food, Miss Sh*ttigan.

[MOLLY]
(whistle) Want some eats?
(whistle) I made tuna treats!
(whistle) Come and get it!

[ALL]
It’s the carb-not life for us!
It’s the carb-not life for us!
No one cares for you a smidge,
When there’re no carbs in your fridge.
It’s the carb-not life.
It’s the carb-not life.
It’s the carb-not life!

Putting the “Oh” in “Opossum”

(excerpt from motivation speech I give whenever I address a passel of opossums)

Pity the poor opossum.

Some people see you more as a giant, dirty scavenging rat, but I’m here to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth.

Think about all the ways that you guys are special.

You have partial or total immunity to the venom produced by rattlesnakes, cottonmouths and other pit vipers.

You have an unusually high need for calcium, which incites you to eat the skeletons of rodents and road kill. You are the sanitation workers of the wild!

Like me, you have a remarkable ability to find food and to remember where it is. Unlike me, you can also find your way through a maze more quickly than rats and cats.

You also keep rats and cockroaches at bay by competing with them for food. In fact, it’s common for you to kill these pests if you find them in your territory.

You have opposable "thumbs" (albeit on your back feet), so thumbs up for that!

When threatened, you respond much like we humans do, by running, growling, belch, urinating and defecating. And when all else fails, you “play ‘possum" and act as if you are dead. The catatonic state can last for up to four hours, and has proven effective as a deterrent to predators as well as a good way to get out of doing the dishes after dinner.

What’s my point? WHY DOES EVERY SPEECH I GIVE HAVE TO HAVE A FREAKIN’ POINT?!?!?!?

Okay, okay. Lemme think… wait, I got it!

Nothing is impossumable!

Thank you.

Quick Ways to Work Off That Thanksgiving Weight Gain

• You’ve heard of those standing desks, right? Well, what about using back of a flat-bed pick-up truck as desk while co-worker drives around parking lot in circles?

• Instead of taking the elevator at the office, try calling in sick and heading to gym for a workout.

• Consider watching 10 hours less television each day.

• Preparing your own meals is a sure way to lose weight fast considering what a horrible cook you are.

• You can keep your metabolism stoked by stoking your metabolism, dumbass.

• At mealtimes, brush your teeth in between bites.

• Studies find that the more you eat in the morning, the less you’ll eat in the evening. Of course, those researchers have never seen how many pancakes I can put away in one sitting. MORE PANCAKES, PLEASE!

• Drop your milk type and you cut calories by about 20 percent. If you drink regular, go to 2%. If you already drink 2%, go down another notch to 1% or skim milk. If you already drink skim milk… well, ladeedah… aren’t you the Queen of the World?