Healthy Traditions for the Holidays

• Christmas caroling combined with 10K run

• Egg-substitute nog

• Banana Claus!

• Kale cut into Christmas cookie shapes

• Jingle kettlebells

• Fruitcake that doesn’t have any cake in it

• Mistletoe salad

• Raw nutcracker

• Eight maids a’lifting

• Nativity scene includes Wise Men on treadmills

• Kickboxing Day

• Gingerbread house made from melba toast, hummus and kalamata olives

• Insert your own "Hide the Pickle" joke here

• Leave plate of celery sticks and carrots for Santa

• Three sets of Poinsettia-Ups

• Gather the family in the living room for It’s A Wonderful Workout

Annie on Adkins!

[ORPHANS]
It’s the carb-not life for us!
It’s the carb-not life for us!

[ANNIE]
‘Steada taters,

[ORPHANS]
We get beef!

[ANNIE]
‘Steada candy,

[ORPHANS]
We eat meat!

[ALL]
It’s the carb-not life!

Got no breadsticks on our plate.
It’s the carb-not fate we hate!

[ANNIE]
Cottage cheese,

[ORPHANS]
‘Steada of wheat!

[ANNIE]
All our French fries

[ORPHANS]
Made of meat!

[ALL]
It’s the carb-not life!

[ANNIE]
Don’t you feel like some pancakes at a cafe?

[KATE AND TESSIE]
Don’t it seem like there’s never any fruit?

[DUFFY AND JULY]
Once a day, don’t you wanna glass of OJ?

[MOLLY AND PEPPER]
This diet’s really cloggin’ up my chute.

[ANNIE]
No one shares when you’re dining at a restaurant!
No one cares if there’s no rice on your fork!
No one cares that you can’t eat what you want!

[ALL]
Everybody thinks it’s great you get to pig out on some pork!

Ohhhh!!!!!!!
Meaty, meaty life!
Nothing sweatie life!
Carb dismissal life!
Lotta gristle life!

[MOLLY]
What’s this? Turkey.

[ANNIE]
Santa Claus brings us
Jerky.

[ALL]
No one cares a bit, my friends.
When you’re dietin’ on Adkins!

[MOLLY]
(Making a whistling sound and imitating Miss Sh*ttigan)

Get up and eat your chicken eggs.

For lunch we’re having chicken legs.

[ORPHANS]
Yank a bag of crunchy chips.
Stick a Ring Pop through your lips.
Eat some garlic toast again.
We love food, Miss Sh*ttigan.

[MOLLY]
(whistle) Want some eats?
(whistle) I made tuna treats!
(whistle) Come and get it!

[ALL]
It’s the carb-not life for us!
It’s the carb-not life for us!
No one cares for you a smidge,
When there’re no carbs in your fridge.
It’s the carb-not life.
It’s the carb-not life.
It’s the carb-not life!

Putting the “Oh” in “Opossum”

(excerpt from motivation speech I give whenever I address a passel of opossums)

Pity the poor opossum.

Some people see you more as a giant, dirty scavenging rat, but I’m here to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth.

Think about all the ways that you guys are special.

You have partial or total immunity to the venom produced by rattlesnakes, cottonmouths and other pit vipers.

You have an unusually high need for calcium, which incites you to eat the skeletons of rodents and road kill. You are the sanitation workers of the wild!

Like me, you have a remarkable ability to find food and to remember where it is. Unlike me, you can also find your way through a maze more quickly than rats and cats.

You also keep rats and cockroaches at bay by competing with them for food. In fact, it’s common for you to kill these pests if you find them in your territory.

You have opposable "thumbs" (albeit on your back feet), so thumbs up for that!

When threatened, you respond much like we humans do, by running, growling, belch, urinating and defecating. And when all else fails, you “play ‘possum" and act as if you are dead. The catatonic state can last for up to four hours, and has proven effective as a deterrent to predators as well as a good way to get out of doing the dishes after dinner.

What’s my point? WHY DOES EVERY SPEECH I GIVE HAVE TO HAVE A FREAKIN’ POINT?!?!?!?

Okay, okay. Lemme think… wait, I got it!

Nothing is impossumable!

Thank you.

Quick Ways to Work Off That Thanksgiving Weight Gain

• You’ve heard of those standing desks, right? Well, what about using back of a flat-bed pick-up truck as desk while co-worker drives around parking lot in circles?

• Instead of taking the elevator at the office, try calling in sick and heading to gym for a workout.

• Consider watching 10 hours less television each day.

• Preparing your own meals is a sure way to lose weight fast considering what a horrible cook you are.

• You can keep your metabolism stoked by stoking your metabolism, dumbass.

• At mealtimes, brush your teeth in between bites.

• Studies find that the more you eat in the morning, the less you’ll eat in the evening. Of course, those researchers have never seen how many pancakes I can put away in one sitting. MORE PANCAKES, PLEASE!

• Drop your milk type and you cut calories by about 20 percent. If you drink regular, go to 2%. If you already drink 2%, go down another notch to 1% or skim milk. If you already drink skim milk… well, ladeedah… aren’t you the Queen of the World?

My Thanksgiving Wish for You This Thanksgiving

On behalf of me and my family to you and your family, I sincerely and most whole-heartedly wish that I had thought to post something better than this.

Oh well... I'm going to get my eat on!

Wee Little Children Can't Get Enough of My Weight-Loss Songs

Flop! Goes the Weigh-In

All around the lunch buffet,

The buffoon kept on eatin’.

The buffoon thought ‘twas all in fun.

Flop! Goes the weigh-in.

When I Was At My Workout Spot

When I was at my workout spot,

I saw a man do seven squats.

After every squat was seven curls.

After every curl was seven lats.

After every lat was seven lifts.

Lifts, lats, curls, squats

I shoulda done some of that, I thought.

Lady Belunge-a

Lady Belunge-a in the back of the gym,

Lunge so strong as you lunge each limb.

Watching yourself on the mirror on the wall,

You’re such an inspiration to us all. 

Laaaaaaaaaady Belunge-a

Laaaaaaaaaady Belunge-a,

With your perfect form,

I’m so in awe

Of you, so lunge-y.

Way over yonder where the big weights sit,

Where you lift and curse and spit,

The weights go up and the weights go down,

See the muscles squirting out of your gown.

Laaaaaaaaaady Belunge-a

Oh, Laaaaaaaaaady Belunge-a,

Keep on doing great,

Keep on going strong, we like to watch you.

When it’s dark, I’m home and fed. 

I think I coulda done like you instead.

Tomorrow’s coming, my gym bag’s packed. 

I might. Who knows? I might. 

Laaaaaaaaaaby Belunge-a

Oh, Laaaaaaaaaady Belunge-a,

With tomorrow’s dawn,

I’ll get my workout on. 

I’ll soon be lunging. 

Lady Belunge-a in the back of the gym, 

Lunge with vigor and lunge with vim.

I’m doing a workout that’s long overdue.

And I’m working up a big sweat, too.

I’m just working up a sweat like you!

I’ve Got the Mojo, Mojo, Mojo, Mojo

I’ve got the mojo, mojo, mojo, mojo

Down in my gut (Where?)

Down in my gut! (Where?)

Down in my gut!

I’ve got the mojo, mojo, mojo, mojo 

Down in my gut.

Down in my gut to stay.

Say “Yes” to Less-Stress Success

• You can turn a tennis ball into a stress ball by... well... just by squeezing it, I guess. Great job!

• Screaming at your boss and walking out of the office with your pants around your ankles will make you feel better for 30 seconds or so.

• Breathing exercises are a great way to reduce stress. Try this: breath out, then breath out again, then breath out again, one more time, out, out, out. Now when you wake up from having passed out, I’ll bet you feel much better.

• Some “experts” tout the benefits of ammoniatherapy in stress reduction, but smelling a rag dipped in ammonia just gives me a headache.

• Try a cup of chamomile tea while listening to classical music while getting a massage while having sex. Talk about relaxing!

• Giant pile of laundry got you feeling down? Do you own a can of lighter fluid and a box of matches?

• Sometimes all it takes to calm yourself down is taking a long walk down a quiet Mexican beach.