Now Playing at the Jack Sh*t Octoplex

• Life of Pie

• Dead Man Down 2 Pounds

• Assgo

• The Weight-keepers

• The Incredible Burt Lost-A-Stone

• The Not-So-Great Fatsby

• Diet Hard 5: A Good Day to Diet Hard

• Gain and Pain

• Dr. Oz: The Great and Terrible Celebrity Physician

• 210 and Over

• The Blobbit: An Unexpected Weight Gain

• Slimmer Living Playbook

• Jack the Giant Ass Slayer

Hoosier Daddy?

There's a tradition in weight loss not to talk about the next step until you've climbed the one in front of you. I’m sure getting down to goal weight is beyond your wildest dreams, so let’s just keep it right here, right here in front of us. Forget about the potato chips, the size of those super-sized sodas, those fancy desserts and remember they got you here. Focus on the fundamentals that we’ve gone over time and time again. If you put your effort and concentration into eating well and exercising more, to be the best that you can be, I don’t care what the scale says at the end of the day. In my book, we’re gonna be losers! Okay?!


Top Health Tips for Tip-Top Health... Tips!

• Eat until you are eight-tenths full instead of until you’re ten-eighths full.

• Chewing sugarless gum is a better way to keep your mouth busy than snacking or getting into an obscenity-filled argument with your neighbor.

• You can add more fruits and vegetables to your diet by eating more fruits and vegetables, dumbass.

• According to some research, catching a whiff of Rosemary may increase alertness and improve memory (of course, Rosemary may slap you if she catches sniffing her, but getting slapped increases alertness, too!)

• Brushing your teeth right after dinner is a good way to tell your brain that you’re done eating for the evening, unless you brush your teeth with frosting.

• To get more fiber in your diet, consider eating a pound of fiber.

• Remember, the “elevator” is an “evil-ator”… no wait… that’s stupid. Don’t waste your time remembering that. My bad!

• You can tame a tension headache by rubbing peppermint oil into your temples and then screaming until blood pours down your nose.

• Instead of stopping at Starbucks and getting yourself a coffee in the morning, how about stopping at Starbucks, getting me a coffee and dropping it off by my office? Thanks!

The Newlyfit Game

Bob Eubanks: Welcome to The Newlyfit Game, where we ask married couples questions about their health and fitness goals and regimens. Our first couple is Jack and Anita… welcome to the show, guys.

Jack: Hi, Bob. I’m thrilled to be here and hope everybody watching will check out my blog… it’s at www.jackfit.blo….

Anita: For God’s sake, Jack. Will you give it a rest about your freakin’ blog?

Jack: I’m just giving the address in case somebody…

Anita: You’ve got the URL printed on your shirt, dumbass.

Jack: Oh, yeah. There ya go!

Bob: There, there lovebirds. We’re going to see how well you know about each other’s health and fitness. We locked Jack away and asked Anita some questions and now Jack will attempt to answer them.

Jack: Bring it on!

Bob: First question: Where’s the strangest place you’ve ever made whoopee?

Jack: Hmmmmmm…. I’ve gotta say that time on the ski lift, Bob.

Bob: Now remember… on The Newlyfit Game, “making whoopee” means “working out”…

Jack: Ohhhhh….

Bob: Now let’s see what Anita said… ohhhh, she said ‘At a family reunion’.

Jack: Who calls working out “making whoopee”?

Bob: Next question, how many times a week do you make whoopee during dinner?

Jack: What?

Bob: Okay, this time “making whoopee” means “eating vegetables”.

Anita: This is just too stupid for words. C’mon, Jack… let’s go home and make whoopee.

Jack: Does that mean what I think it means?

Anita: What do you think it means?

Jack: Take a nap?

Anita: Damn right!

Hang In There, Baby!

Feelin’ Heavy

Slow down, you eat too fast.
It’s how you got to be so vast.
Just knockin’ back way too much.
Eatin’ a ton and feelin’ heavy.

Ba da, Ba da, Ba da, Ba da...
Feelin’ heavy.

Hello pancakes.
What cha knowin’?
It’s time to get the syrup flowin’
Ain’tcha got no Aunt Jamima?

Doot-in’ doo-doo,

Feelin’ heavy.

Ba da, Ba da, Ba da, Ba da...Feelin’ heavy

I’ve got much work to do,
New goals to meet.
Get moving and exercise and watch what I eat.
Let my mindset perform a metamorphis on me. 

Body, I love you,

Not so heavy.

Nothing Is More Exciting Than Healthy Living!

My day started in a somewhat typical manner, until something crazy didn’t happen: a piece of bread lodged in the toaster started a grease fire which consumed the entire kitchen. So I enjoyed a warm, satisfying bowl of oatmeal and gathered my things for work.

On the drive in to my office, the most bizarre occurrence didn’t happen: a tractor-trailer jackknifed on the expressway, spilling huge barrels of flammable liquids that exploded on contact with the asphalt. I arrived at work roughly five minutes early and took the stairs instead of the elevator.

Around midday, you’re simply not going to believe what didn’t happen next: a terrorist group staged a dramatic firefight in the lobby of my office! I headed off to the gym and got in a quick-but-efficient 45-minute workout, showered and rushed back to the office to enjoy a sensible lunch at my desk.

Later in the afternoon, the strangest thing may or may not have happened: one of my co-workers jumped through the glass window of the conference room and plunged 75 stories but was apparently saved when she landed in the fountain in front of our building that, for some reason, is extraordinarily deep. And I had a handful of almonds for a snack.

Finally, just to top off another wild day in my healthy living adventure, nothing like the following even remotely came close to happening: a wild boar got loose in the backyard and started chasing the dogs around. Plus, I ate a sensible supper, went on a walk and then turned in early.

I tell you, nothing is more exciting than healthy living!