Stalking the Elusive Mojo

Weekly weigh-in: 210.6
Loss: -0.5
Total loss: -81.4
Emotion: On the scent

I am a hunter.

The game I stalk these days isn’t the lynx or the wildebeest or even the hard-to-track (and even harder-to-kill) unicorn.

No… my prey has the there-and-gone speed of the cheetah, the whoops-where'd-it-go camouflage skills of the chameleon and the legendary elusiveness of the fabled cheetah-chameleon.

I hunt the Mysterious Mojo.

There was a time when my den was strewn with Mojo hides, and my freezer stocked top-to-bottom with shanks of Mojo meat. That’s because each week I went out there into the wild woods and bagged my limit.

I ate with purpose and exercised with passion, and it seemed as though there was sweet Mojo always dead within my sights.

But like the buffalo on the Western plains of yesteryear, it seems as though the herd has been thinned to the point where it’s hard to find much Mojo these days.

I still don my hunting gear and go out in search of game, but I find myself consistently coming up empty in my quest to bring home my prize. I have days when I feel like I’m thisclose to capturing some, only to see it all slip from my grasp…

I’m out of town most of this week, out on a business trip where I’m pretty sure Mojo will be an endangered species.

Still, I’ll keep my guns loaded and my eyes peeled.

And if I get my shot, I’ll take it.

Ways to Jumpstart Your Mojo

• Money is a huge motivator; give yourself $10,000 for every 10 pounds you lose. You’ll be surprised at how effective this can be.
• Tracking all your food is good, but maybe you could track other stuff too, including phone calls made, questions asked, unusual birds seen, annoying songs listened to on the radio, license plates from states beginning with the letter “I” spotted, lies told and breathes taken.
• Try an exercise you don’t normally do, such as water polo, line dancing or regular polo.
• Wear clothes that are too tight, and… uhhh…this collar… so confining…RIIIIIIIIIPPPPPP…aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh, so much better…
• Use creative writing to help you reach your goals. Journal from the point of view of yourself after you’ve already lost the weight. After that, journal from the point of view of an old creaky barn in the middle of a harsh New England winter.
• Have your name officially changed to “Spanky McBlubberbottom” until you reach your goal weight.
• Looking for a workout partner? Try a classified ad such as “Looking for partner for some good sweaty fun. Male or female, makes no difference to me. I’m just ready to cut loose and really give my all. We can do it at your place or mine, but let’s get going. I’m ready for anything!”
• Put Mr. Yuk stickers on all the snack foods in your pantry.
• Buy a treadmill for your house, because no one’s ever bought a treadmill for the house and wound up not using it.
• Give yourself a gold star for every five pounds you lose; the price of gold is skyrocketing these days, so you’re getting fit and making a solid investment at the same time.
• Tell your family you’re trying to lose weight. Tell your co-workers. Tell your neighbors. Tell the people that work in your office building. Tell the folks you pass on the street. Tell strangers that call your house accidently. Tell us all!
• Each morning, write your current weight on your forehead with a Sharpee.