Oh, Snape!

Jack: Ummmm… Professor Snape?

Snape: Ugggh… you again, Mister Sh*t?

Jack: Yeah, I think there’s been some sort of mistake…

Snape: What do you… wait. What is that in your cauldron?

Jack: What’s a “cauldron”?

Snape: Is that… *sniff*… is that coffee?

Jack: “Cauldron” means “coffee cup”? You learn something new every day at Hogwart’s!

Snape: Why did you call me over here, Mister Sh*t?

Jack: I think I’m in the wrong class.

Snape: What?

Jack: I signed up for “Portions” not “Potions”.

Snape: Portions?

Jack: Yeah, I seem have a real problem with portions. I thought I was a pretty good guesstimator, but it turns out I was eating nine servings of granola in one sitting.

Snape: That’s appalling!

Jack: Tell me about it. Much more of that and you could change my name to "Neville Widebottom".

Snape: Go on...

Jack: And my “handful of nuts” was actually four servings.

Snape: How is that possible?

Jack: I’ve got big hands, okay? Anyway, research confirms that larger food servings not only provide more calories –duh – but also have two other effects: they encourage people to eat more and to underestimate just how much they’re eating.

Snape: Fascinating.

Jack: So I signed up for Portions thinking I could learn some tricks, y'know, like using portion control dishware, making my own single-serving packs, dishing out servings separately and especially controlling portions when eating out.

Snape: Well, I don’t think I’ve ever said this before but… 50 points for Gryffindor.

Jack: Ummmm… I’m a Hufflepuff.

Snape: Of course you are. Of course...