• Instead of lard, try cooking with Lambda Ultra Premium Extra Virgin Olive Oil, made from hand-harvested, cold-pressed Koroneiki olives and packaged in a hand-crafted case with two 18k gold plates—one of which, along with the bottle, bears the owner’s name (a bargain at only $14,698).
• Start each morning with a 5K run along your private beach.
• Give yourself $10,000 each time you meet a weight-loss goal.
• Even though it looks pretty, don’t glue a bunch of diamonds on your scale; they hurt to stand on and will add a small amount of weight to your total.
• Limo yoga is a excellent way to combine exercise and running errands.
• You can make your diet more low-fat by asking your personal chef to cook more low-fat dishes, dumbass.
• Stress can make you overeat, so bring in a classical quartet to play soothing music while you dine.
• Hire Morgan Freeman to call you up each day and read my blog to you.
