Tuesday, April 8, 2014

How to Lose Weight in 100 Easy Steps

  1. Be overweight.
  2. Have a desire to quit being overweight.
  3. Wait ‘til next Monday, because… y’know… Mondays are best day to start this kind of thing.
  4. Unless it’s Monday today.
  5. Then start next Monday.
  6. Damn, it’s Monday already?
  7. Okay then, I guess it’s time to start.
  8. Finally.
  9. Take deep breath.
  10.  Count backwards from ten.
  11. Begin.
  12. Have you started? 
  13. Good!
  14. Hey, this isn’t so bad.
  15. This isn’t so bad at all.
  16. Look, there’s a box of free donuts in the break room.
  17. Damn.
  18. Damn.
  19. Damn.
  20. Okay, this confirms your theory in the existence of a cruel, prankster God.
  21. Nice try, God.
  22. Just remember, the first day is the hardest.
  23. That is, until the second day.
  24. Truthfully, that third day is gonna be murder.
  25. Oh, I forgot to tell you…
  26. Don’t look too far ahead.
  27. Take it one step at a time.
  28. Just put one foot in front of the other.
  29. Never put one foot in front of the same foot.
  30. There! You made it all the way to lunchtime.
  31. High fives!
  32. SLAP
  33. For lunch, have the opposite of what you really want.
  34. At some point during the day, you’re going to want to get some exercise.
  35. Okay, so Step 3 or 4 should have been “Pack a gym bag.”
  36. “Pack a healthy lunch” should have been up there, too.
  37. Wow, I can’t believe what a sucky job I’m doing on this list.
  38. Hey, you didn’t have to nod your head in agreement!
  39. Jerk!
  40. Go exercise wearing the workout clothes I reminded you to pack and eat the healthy lunch I reminded you to bring.
  41.  By late afternoon, ignore the urge you have to kill everyone around you.
  42. You’re doing great!
  43. Nibble on something low-calorie and filling, such as an apple, some raw almonds or a pine cone.
  44. Drink water.
  45. A lot of water.
  46. It provides a load of health benefits, including all the exercise you’ll get in by running to the restroom constantly.
  47.  If you’re filthy rich, call ahead to your personal chef André and have him begin preparing a healthy dinner for you and your family.
  48. If you don’t happen to be filthy rich, make your own healthy dinner, all the while lamenting the fact that André is off cooking for some other lucky bastard.
  49. Damn that André!
  50. His soufflés were always less light and fluffy than they should have been!
  51. If you have a glass of wine, remember that the cork can actually be used to stop the bottle back up and preserve the rest for a later date.
  52. If you’re having ice cream for dessert, remember that a little goes a wrong weigh.
  53. Going for a brisk walk after dinner can boost your metabolism, improve digestion and get you out of doing dishes.
  54. Reflect on the positive accomplishments you achieved today.
  55. Don’t get too caught up in dwelling on any setbacks you may have suffered, such as accidentally eating an entire ham.
  56.  Tonight, instead of zzz’s, try getting zzzzzzzz’s. 
  57. Wake up!
  58. I SAID, WAKE UP!!!!!!!
  59. Remember what I said about the second day being bad?
  60. Anyway, repeat Steps 11 through 56.
  61. Eventually it will turn into a habit.
  62. How long will it take?
  63. Who do I look like, Mr. Science Guy?
  64. Since I’m sitting at my desk in front of a computer, I’ll Google it for you.
  65. By the way, don’t spend too much time sitting at your desk in front of a computer.
  66. Okay, this says it takes 21 days to form a new habit.
  67. Actually, that’s a myth according to this other site.
  68. It’s more like 66 days.
  69. However, it’s unwise to attempt to assign a number to the process.
  70. The duration of habit formation is likely to differ depending on who you are and what you’re trying to do.
  71. So… does that answer your question?
  72. Anyway, keep on keeping on.
  73. After that, keep on keeping on keeping on.
  74. You may find the going rough, especially in the first few months.
  75. Some weeks you’ll do great and the scale will not reflect it.
  76. Some weeks you’ll face struggles and stumbles.
  77. Some weeks it’ll seem easy as pie.
  78. Some weeks you’ll eat too much pie.
  79. Remember, you don’t have to be perfect.
  80. But you do have to be honest with yourself.
  81. And recognize that you will, in all likelihood, get the results you deserve.
  82. Even though that doesn’t seem quite fair.
  83. Time will pass.
  84. Believe me, time will pass.
  85. And eventually…
  86. You’ll start feeling better.
  87. More energy.
  88. More confidence.
  89. More stretch marks.
  90. Clothes will start fitting better.
  91. Somebody will stop you and ask, “Are you losing weight?”
  92. Spurred on by your renewed energy and some positive encouragement, you may very well find that you have another gear.
  93. Shift into it.
  94. You’ve got this!
  95. Where you are isn’t necessarily where you have to be.
  96. This is your life.
  97. You are the master of your density.
  98. You are the captain of your scale.
  99. I’m on my way.
  100. How about you?

1 comment:

  1. But next Monday is the start of my holiday and the Monday after that is the day after Easter and I've got my wedding anniversary coming up and my birthday is only a couple of months away so maybe I should just put it off until my next New Years Resolution. I've got point 1 nailed though! Go me.



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