Friday, May 8, 2015

Healthy Gifts for Moms

• Bouquet of prunes

• Gift certificate for free spotting as she bench presses 200 lbs. 

• Low-fat perfume

• Running slippers

• Lap dance from Richard “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” Simmons

• Candle that smells like gym bag

•  Bottle of diet wine

• Squash-of-the-Month Club membership

•  Yoga mumu

•  New scale (trust me…. mothers love this gift)

•  Low-sodium bath salts

•  T-shirt that says “ASK ME ABOUT MY SON’S BLOG”

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Millions of Pounds

Once upon a time there was a very fat man who lived with his wife in a nice, somewhat-clean house. But he couldn’t be happy because he was so very fat.

“If only I could lose a pound!” sighed the very fat man.

“A pound?” asked the wife.

“Yes, a sweet little fluffy pound,” said the very fat man.

“You can lose a pound, my dear,” said the wife.

And he set out over the hills to look for one pound. He climbed over thesunny hills. He trudged through the cool valleys. He walked a
long, long time and over the days and weeks and months to come, he lost many pounds.  

Pounds here, pounds there,
Kilos and pounds, everywhere,
Hundreds of pounds,
Thousand of pounds,
Millions and billions and trillions of pounds.

“Oh,” cried the very fat man sorrowfully, “I don’t get it. I’ve lost so many pounds, but I still seem to be overweight.”

“How much have you lost?” asked his wife.

“Hundreds of pounds, thousands of pounds, millions and billions…”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it, Jack,” said the wife. “Apparently you’re gaining them back as fast as you lose them.”

“Oh… maybe I should do something about that…”




Monday, May 4, 2015

Healthy Spanish Phrases to Get You through Cinco de Mayo

“Tráeme patatas fritas y salsa , pero reemplazar los chips con zanahorias y la salsa con puré de garbanzos.”
“Bring me chips and salsa, but replace the chips with baby carrots and the salsa with hummus.”

“¿Me puede hacer una deliciosa margarita sin alcohol que no tiene ninguna caloría.”
“Can you make me a delicious non-alcoholic margarita that doesn't have any calories?”

“Cottage salsa de queso ? ¡Brillante!”
“Cottage cheese dip? Brilliant!”

“Discúlpeme? ¿Te importaría si tengo este juego mariachi mientras corro en la cinta ?”
“Excuse me? Do you mind if I have this mariachi band play while I run on the treadmill?”

“Yo iba a intentar ese nuevo Frito taco en Taco Bell, pero mi día está demasiado ocupado para un viaje a la sala de emergencias para obtener bombea mi estómago.”
“I was going to try that new Frito taco at Taco Bell, but my day is too busy for a trip to the emergency room to get my stomach pumped.”

“¿Sabía usted que el consumo de un caso de la Corona tiene la mitad de las calorías de beber dos casos de Corona?”
“Did you know that drinking a case of Corona has half the calories of drinking two cases of Corona?”

“¿Quién quiere probar mi cero calorías taco Shell ? Usted acaba de poner todos los ingredientes en su mano ahuecada como este ...”
“Who wants to try my zero-calorie taco shell? You just put all the ingredients in your cupped hand like this...”
 
“Es sólo una ensalada, pero si usted escudriña los ojos y utilizar cada onza de su imaginación , puede convencerse a sí mismo que son nachos.”
 “It's just a salad, but if you squint your eyes and use every ounce of your imagination, you can convince yourself they're nachos.”
  
“Yo sólo corrí una milla 8 minutos ; llámame Speedy Gonzales , perras!”
“I just ran an 8-minute mile; call me Speedy Gonzales, bitches!”


Friday, May 1, 2015

Muffin Top



Wish that I didn’t have this muffin top, 
Hanging over my way-too-tight jeans.
Hate this flabby flab-filled muffin top.
Hate these terrible genes.

Once there was a girl with a muffin top
Half obese, the other half fat.
Too much junk, too much soda pop,
That’s how you end up like that.

Muffin top, you’ll always be
A source of grief to me.
Dumb ole muffin top,
Muffin top leave me be,
Muffin top let me be.

Half past time to fix this muffin top
Exercise, quit eatin’ my fill.
I sure wanna improve this muffin top.
And I hope I always will. 

Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Just Ask Jack

Dear Jack,
Is there a magic pill that can make me loose weight?

No, but there is a magic book that can teach you how to spell words correctly and it's called a "dictionary."

Dear Jack,
I know I should drink more water, but I really don't like water. What can I do?

You can try either infusing your water with fruits, vegetables or herbs or consider putting a couple of lit sparklers in your mouth.


Dear Jack,
I know I should exercise, but I've got seven loads of laundry to do. I'm at my wit's end.

Do you have access to a can of lighter fluid and a box of matches?

Dear Jack,
I have a blog and often have difficulty coming up with fresh things to write about. Any suggestions?

Have you considered starting a feature where you pretend readers are sending you questions and then answer them in a charmless and condescending manner?

Got a question for Jack?
You can email me at my email address.
Oh yeah… here it is right here.


Monday, April 27, 2015

Just a Few More Things That’ll Get You Kicked Out of Whole Foods

• Holding grocery cart with two hands above your head as you proclaim to be “Whole-iath the Giant.”

• Demanding that check-out person let you use conveyor belt for your treadmill workout.

• Singing a medley of Justin Bieber songs over the intercom.

• Dressing like a giant avocado and request that customers squeeze you.

• Trying to jam a cantaloupe through the coffee grinder.

• Leaving a trail of trail mix through the store.

• Parking your car in the produce section.

• Spending 10 minutes licking the glass at the dessert display.

• Pretending that you know Japanese and get in heated argument with sushi chef.

• Soaking your bare feet in the soup bin.

• Cracking that “Whole Foods? More like Whole Paycheck!” joke.






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