The Six Million Calorie Man

Jack Aush*t: “We have scale-paration.”

Weight management technician: “Roger.”

Jack Aush*t: “Ummmm… I told you my name is ‘Jack,’ and I’m stepping on the scale in three… two… one”

Weight Control: “Looks good… and uh oh…”

 Jack Aush*t: “I've got a blow-out - damper three hundred and… oh no you didn’t?!”

Weight Control: “Set your mouth to zero.”

Jack Aush*t: “Lunch is out! I can’t hold appetite!”

Weight Control: “He’s got a fork in both hands — Emergency!”

Jack Aush*t: “Weight Control! I can’t hold it! I’m eating up, I’m eat—”

Intro: 

Jack Aush*t, ass-tronaut.

A man barely alive… well, psychically speaking…

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.

We have the Google. 

We have the capability to make the world’s first blog-nonic man.

Jack Aush*t will be that man.

Better than he was before.

Better.

Stronger.

Fitter.

He will no longer be…

THE SIX MILLION CALORIE MAN