More Really Bad Weight-Loss Advice

I plan on getting pretty serious come January 1st, so please allow me the opportunity to get just a bit of silliness out of my system before we all shift it back into high gear…

• Keep a canister of helium near your scale and take in a big lungful before you weigh in.
• If you must eat fudge, be sure and wash it down with a Diet Coke.
• They couldn’t call them “Apple Jacks” if they didn’t have real apples in them, dumbass.
• It doesn’t matter if you do one pushup or one hundred, so I always just do one.
• A homemade licorice headband is stylish and can help you keep your energy up during a workout.
• If you insist, most waiters and waitresses will give you a “wild-ass guess” at how many calories are in various entrees.
• Keep in mind that old saying: “Tired? I feel ya… here’s a shot of Tequila.”
• When adding up the calories from the frozen yogurt with sprinkles and frozen cookie dough you just ordered, don’t forget to subtract the calories of all the toppings you could have ordered but didn't from the total.
• Baked Cheetos are pretty good, especially if you give ‘em a whirl in a Fry Daddy.
• One time this guy was jogging and he dropped dead; I’m not saying you shouldn’t jog... I’m just sayin’…
• Tight pants are in this season.
• To make a healthy banana split, substitute banana for the ice cream and ice cream for the banana (note: I’m still in the test phase, so I’m not absolutely sure this one’s good to go yet).
• If you take the recyclables down to the street on time, you win “immunity” and are allowed to skip one weigh-in.
• Drink lots and lots of water, or if you don’t have ready access to water, milkshakes.
• If you’re going to go through the fast food drive-thru no matter what, at least get some exercise by going through on a unicycle.
• Keep some snacks on a shelf close to your scale so you can scarf them down immediately after weighing in.

Really Bad Weight Loss Advice

• Trick your stomach into feeling full by eating a couple of sticks of butter.
• Carry around a bag of Milky Way bars in your gym bag in case your blood sugar goes too low or you really feel like a Milky Way bar.
• Weigh yourself once a year.
• When you go to the movies, request “Light butter” on your box of Milk Duds.
• When you eat a loaf of French bread, scrape off the carbs first.
• To curb the urge to get up in the middle of the night and go to the kitchen for a midnight snack, keep a pan of warm brownies on your nightstand.
• Instead of a Big Mac when you go to McDonald’s, settle for two Double Quarter Pounders with Cheese.
• Going out doesn’t have to be all about a big entrée; next time, just order a round or two of cheesesticks, potato skins and the Triple Dipper Southwest egg rolls.
• If you can’t remember to eat fresh fruit, fruit-flavored ice cream is an acceptable alternative.
• Instead of saying “Yes” when the drive-thru girl asks “Would you like fries with that?” say “Please.”
• Watch a workout DVD at least once a week.
• A salad with Thousand Island dressing has a surprising amount of calories; next time, just leave off the salad and swig the dressing from the bottle.
• Make one day of the week a “Nothing-But-Cheese” day.
• Instead of salting your food, put a hunk of salt between your cheek and gum and release a little bit with each bite.
• One slice of cake may be high in calories, but they never say just how big the slice can be. You’ve got ‘em on a technicality.
• Make up impressive weight loss numbers for your blog to make you feel better about your progress.