Monday, September 19, 2016

Hire Me!

Because I'm a quasi-celebrity blogger, people approach me all the time help market their products or services. As a public service to anyone wanting to engage me for promotional services, I'm including my official price list for all the various ways I'm available to help...

• 10-second audio clip of me burping your product’s name: $5

• Me mentioning your product or service in a tweet: One half penny

• Video of me romantically slow-dancing with your product: $75

• Product haiku: $10 per syllable

• Me loving your product forever and ever: $50

• A photo of me pretending to take a whiz on your competitor’s logo: $25

• Video testimonial of me yodeling a special yodel dedicated to you and you alone: $150

• Me getting your brand’s logo tattooed on my buttocks: $500

• Me doing a 15-min podcast talking about your product or service: $250, plus you showing me how to make a podcast

• Me wearing a tuxedo, top hat and monocle, then going to the mall and mentioning your product with an English accent: $200 plus tuxedo and monocle rental

• Me reviewing your product on a blog post: $100

• Me reviewing your product and giving it ONE MILLION STARS:  Listen, I don’t sell my integrity like that (I’m kidding… I give every product ONE MILLION STARS)

• Me never ever mentioning your brand on my blog, FB or twitter feed: $10,000


  1. You may need to gain weight to make more buttock-room for all those tattoos.

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