Thinking about it, I really do believe I could have extended my *perfect* week and built up a *perfect* month pretty easily. I could keep losing 7 or 8 pounds a week. I could really do it. I just need a few things to happen…
- The elevator at work must break down and I must forget which floor I work on so I spend a half hour or so going up and down stairs looking for my office.
- I must get a wild, insatiable craving for lettuce.
- President Obama must bring back Prohibition for a one-month trial.
- All bread products in my house must spontaneously become caked in unsightly mold (even ones in the freezer).
- I must make a new best friend who just happens to be a personal chef, whose apartment building has just burned down so he needs a place to crash while he works on testing his new line of low-fat recipes.
- When I’m out jogging, a pack of mean, nearly rabid dogs must chase me, but they can only run slightly slower than I can and they must give up and go home a block from my house.
- I must contract that disease where you kind of zone out on the treadmill and go a really long time without realizing it and you kind of wake up and go “Whoa, wha' happened?”
- I must start “sleep-jogging.”
- I must develop a severe allergy to taffy.
- Elliptical machine at the gym must go berserk and do crazy hour-long bucking in which I can’t get off, and my shrieky cries for help must go unnoticed by the other gym patrons.
- Spa must call and say they’ve just drawn my business card out of the fishbowl and that I’ve won free massages for a month.
- My regular personal trainer must go out on maternity leave and I get stuck with the really mean one that has the Hitler mustache. Oh, I hate her! Oh yeah, and my personal trainer must get pregnant.
- I must go in for emergency appendectomy and doctor must misread the chart and accidentally go to town with the lipo machine.
- While shaving, I must accidentally slice part of my cheek off (and then have to slice off the other side to even things up).
- I must be chosen to be a month-long test-driver for the new Chevy Grunt, the first automobile that runs on Bowflex technology.
Thinking about it, I really do believe I could have extended my *perfect* week and built up a *perfect* month pretty easily. I could keep losing 7 or 8 pounds a week. I could really do it. I just need a few things to happen…
I must have an unfortunate run in with office supplies resulting in having my stomach and my lips stapled. It could happen.
ReplyDeleteGiggling burns calories.
ReplyDeleteThanks!
About the shaving of the cheek....I hope you're not referring to the butt cheek?
ReplyDeleteThe price of sugar and (vegetable) oil as a commodity must also soar sky high, thereby outpricing me from the marketplace for all things bad for me. It could happen!
ReplyDeleteI don't see how the massages will help you lose weight so I will just take those off your hands. Hitler mustache!?! The sight of that will make your heart race, and that alone will burn calories. Does she wear jack boots?
ReplyDeleteI think it sounds possible??
ReplyDeleteAll fast food must have drive through speaker malfunctions, stemmed from some rabid signal transmitted from my cell phone the moment I pull up to them : /
ReplyDeleteI say go for it! If you need any help in getting those things to happen, let me know. I have a few connections. ;)
ReplyDeleteI was thinking the Chevy Grunt would be a Fred Flintstone kind of car. lol
ReplyDeleteI want that zone-out-on-the-treadmill disease, too!
lol
ReplyDeletethis really made me giggle.
I'm with Jo on the chevy grunt!
I like "sleep jogging." That would be amazing. HA!
ReplyDeleteLMAO.....absolutely FANTASTIC list today Jack. Well done. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how the pregnant Hilter personal trainer will help, but I'd love a chevy grunt - I think I already have chevy grunt steering in my minivan.
ReplyDeleteFYI
Not to throw off your golf game, but 5 more perfect weeks and you'll be just about -100lbs. But 20 reasonable weeks and you're also done (just in time for New Years - with a scratch for Thanksgiving and Xmas). Keep up the good work and the great posts.
I would be a big fan of sleep jogging. I would do that all the time.
ReplyDeleteMay the stars align for you!
ReplyDeletelol - too funny! That WOULD be a perfect month!
ReplyDeletei'm exhausted just reading that. phew! Jack.. just keep doing what you're doing.. have a perfect week now and then, just when you need to kickstart things again, or get off a plateau. You're doing so fabulous. You WILL win this race.
ReplyDeleteLmao. Have I mentioned how much I love your posts? Always bring a smile to my face. :)
ReplyDeletemy goodness have i missed you!!
ReplyDeleteand i can't believe i just said "my goodness" !! sheesh!
You are too friggin funny! That bread one is for me although I made my food plan to include bread. I will NOT live without it!!!
ReplyDeleteDo you read my diary? How did you know that was my 2008?
ReplyDeleteI figure you will weigh -3.4 pounds by the end of the year! Keep you the good work...and the funny!
It could happen :)
ReplyDeleteGasoline jumps to $10.00 a gallon for one month, causing me to have to walk to work every day.
ReplyDeletevery funny stiff, Jack
Great stuff today! So I'm the only one who gets wild, insatiable cravings for lettuce? XD
ReplyDeleteI love this post! AMAZING loss this week! Kudos! I know its hard work and alot of dedication! Congrats Jack!
ReplyDeleteSign me up for the Grunt! You can keep the rabid dogs to yourself. :)
ReplyDeletehahah! I saw the Perfect storm get filmed, so does that help at all?
ReplyDeleteWhy can't my local 24 Hour Fitness have a bucking Elliptical machine. It's all about cardio and no fun.
ReplyDeleteMy hero. My blogging mentor hehehe
ReplyDeleteGod damn it Jack! You beat me. Great Job man, 7 lbs in a week is freaking amazing. I only managed 2.6 to end up at 231.6. Damn, all I can say is great job, I'm actually kinda speechless haha. Maybe I'll catch back up to you at some point. Keep on truckin dude. Damn.
ReplyDeleteDid you learn nothing from the death of George Clooney??
ReplyDeleteIf your new best friend the chef gets tired of staying with you, please send him my way!
ReplyDeleteToo funny as always!
I don't get it, Jack. I do those things EVERY MONTH...
ReplyDeleteSorry, but I couldn't take my eyes off that damn boat picture. It scares the hell of me everytime I see it (for real). Terrible fear of deep bodies of water.
ReplyDeleteThose all seem do-able. :)
ReplyDelete"The new Chevy Grunt"?
ReplyDeleteHa!