I hate parties.
I mean, I really hate these stupid little get-togethers. I don't know half these people and don't like half of the half I do know.
What is that dude's name. John? Jeff? Jake? Josh? yeah, yeah. What's up, JohnJeffJakeJosh? Yeah, you're looking really good, too, Chrome-Dome. Good thing you shaved your head so now nobody can see your bald spot. Ingenious!
A beer? Great! What's I'd really like is a nice frosty cold Shiner Bock or maybe even a big thick Guinness, but I'll settle for that crappy Bud Light you're handing to me. Thanks, bro. Please go bother somebody else now. Fantastic!
Let's check out this chow table... oh my sweet Lord. Crab cakes? Hot spinach and artichoke dip... oh sh*t, I think I just drooled on myself. Oh, that Bud Light definitely does not hit the spot. What else have we got here? Great... seventeen kinds of cheese, and seventeen additional reasons this party's got FAIL written all over it. Hmmmmm, maybe if I did a quintuple workout tomorrow...
Okay, grab a little plate and let's find something that won't wreck your next weigh-in. BINGO! Baby carrots. Load up on them things, Bunnicula. Ranch dressing, hmmm? Low-fat? I seriously doubt that. Grab some celery, too, and roll some of them baby tamatoes on the plate so there's no room for those delish-smelling egg rolls over them. Ayyyyyyy, snatch the egg roll from my hand, grasshopper. Geez, hold it together, son. Waitaminute... grab some of them pepperoncinis. Oh hell yeah. Love biting something that bites back.
Oh, hey, what's-your-face? How's your daughter liking whatever college she wound up going to? Great! Sure, tell me all about your fantasy football team. I'll just be nibbling this carrot stick into a sharp point and having my own fantasy: about jabbing it repeatedly in your neck.
Hey, weird guy with the mole! How's it hanging? Have you heard about what's-his-face's sweet-ass fantasy football team? You gotta get you some of this. Excuse me, I've got to go stand over there.
Oh, hell no... the life insurance guy that I told I'd call right after the last one of these parties. Why do I always tell 'em I'll call 'em? Oh, hi, Carl or Ken. Pete? Yeah, I knew that. Life insurance, right? Right! Yeah, I was gonna call you but I lost your business card. Oh, you have another one? Sweet. I'll give you a call next week. Now excuse me... I'm going to get a little something to nibble on.
Hey, that broccoli salad looks pretty fresh. Mmmmmmm... that's semi-tolerable. And a couple of pieces of cheese won't sink the Titanic, I guess. Waitaminute... are they talking about me? Act all nonchalant and jack up your Six-Million-Dollar-Man bionic hearing to max. Do do do do do do do do do do do. Hmmmm, talking about how good you look. Nice. Very nice.
Oh, hey there, Nancy. Of course, I meant Linda. Yes, I'm terrible with names and yes, I have lost a lot of weight. Oh, just eating better, exercising more. Oh, hey there, Tom & Ginger. Yes, I've lost a few pounds here lately. Oh, I don't know how many. I'm not really a "scale" guy. Well, I've probably lost a little more than that. Just eating less, exercising more. No, it's probably a few pounds more than that.
Another beer? No thanks... I'm doing fine. I'm doing just fine.
I love parties.
Brilliant! Great post that I am sure we all can relate to. Nicely done with the healthy choices! As you can see from the compliments, it is definitely paying off.
ReplyDeleteBtw, this line gave me quite the chuckle!!
"I'll just be nibbling this carrot stick into a sharp point and having my own fantasy: about jabbing it repeatedly in your neck."
LOL...Jack,Jeff,Josh,John...whats your name...Oh yeah Jack is the Sh*t...better get it right!!! Sounds like you are ready for another...LOL
ReplyDeleteIrene
Shiner. Mmmmmm. Ice cold. Stright out of the ice chest after a three hour chill. Mmmmm. Soounds oooh so good.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. Loved it!
Did you go to the same party I went to last night?
ReplyDeleteOh yeah baby, party time! Me, I just avoid them . . .
ReplyDeleteI would comment on this post but I stopped reading at "hot spinach and artichoke dip" and am just going to sit here and stare into space and fantasize about using a vat of it as a hot tub.
ReplyDeleteYou did better at your "party" than I did at my last one. And I so suck at names!
ReplyDeleteStop doggin' on Bud...I am a macro-beer kinda guy. Good enough for 100 zillion other people, good enough for me. I am picturing you with your pinkie finger extended while sipping your hoitie fru-fru beer out of a glass I'm sure. (Unfortunatley, I have not had a beer in almost 4 mos. so I'd drink about any kind.)
Gotta love those compliments. They can sure take up room in my belly where those crab cakes and spinach dip would normally go.
Great will-power iron man...let me know how the carrot works as a lethal weapon.
Wow, this sounds like my internal dialogue at parties, too.
ReplyDeleteHey, I've got an award for you at my blog today! (It's not the Grandma award...not that there's anything wrong with that.)
Absolutely fantastic post. Sounds like my subtext all the time. (And I am SO married to the guy who shaves his head to disguise the baldness. It works for him. Purrrrr.)
ReplyDeleteWonderful post. You did very well in the face of much temptation. Keep up the great posts, and the great work!
ReplyDeleteI think what you're trying to say, is that you're a people person?
ReplyDeleteMinus all the food parts, it sounds like this post could have been written by my husband. He HATES parties. Ha! Have a good weekend,
ReplyDeleteHope
It is only the copious amount of food/alcohol that makes parties half tolerable. Seems to me, there is no point to them at all without those two essentials.
ReplyDeleteWow, your parties are alot safer (and tamer) than mine. With me its more like "take these three shots and tell me if we're getting extra cheese or extra, extra cheese on the pizza?"
ReplyDeleteAwesome job avoiding temptation (both for foods and manslaughter). Seriously, 'grats!
Dig the Bunnicula reference.
ReplyDeleteFunny stuff, and glad your got some compliments, if even not direct.
haha, loved it.
ReplyDeleteI guess you don't want to be invited to my next party???
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
i just moved 8hrs from my home of ten years and am using the "new girl in town' existence as an excuse to hibernate socially. i never knew how great it would be........lol. am i a natural hermit???
ReplyDeleteI rode the lol-coaster with "bunnicula."
ReplyDeleteAnd Shiner....mmmmm.
Next party, you should do planks on the floor. I've done that, got others to participate, with hell-arious results.
Ohhh, parties. Not so fun. It's hard to stay focused for sure!
ReplyDelete~Wendy
I cannot stand parties!! I just cannot!!! WHY do people think it's so fun? WHO are these people who runs them? I look back to high school and think about how many parties I went to... and WHY I put myself through that. *shakes my head* they're so... irritating in this time and age.
ReplyDeleteI have the same carrot spike stabbing fantasies. I really do.
ReplyDeleteI live in soccer-mom-suburbia and it's all one big "party". I think my subtext is a little bitchier though...
ReplyDeleteSo, why don't you tell us what you REALLY think about these little get togethers Jack? Kidding! Glad to know I'm not the only one miserable at these things.
ReplyDeleteLoved the Bunnicula reference BTW.
And I know you've already been awarded a few of these, but you made my list for The Lovely Blog Award too.
I love parties! I love throwing parties! I haven't had one since I started this journey, and have been contemplating whether I should.
ReplyDeletePlease repost this, or a version of it come holiday time - I will need the reminder of how it is possible to still put myself first in the face of so much temptation!
Do you have a glass ball, cuz I think you just described the weekend I'm about to have. Only it's family members. Yes, that's right, I can't remember their names, either.
ReplyDeleteI have been to that party! :)
ReplyDeleteParties are so weird! It's like you don't really care what anyone is saying but you don't want to be a loner-wall-flower either. Sheesh.
ReplyDeleteI feel for you. I hate parties, too.
ReplyDeleteI'm terrible with names, but for some reason they always know mine, darn it.
Bunnicula - love it & am stealing it for my own internal dialogue.
I'll credit you in the footnotes. ;)
Have a great weekend.
Oh man. You seriously had me laughing out loud almost that entire post. Love the comment about the pepperoncinis 'cause I hate those things.
ReplyDeleteI hate that small talk so your post hit home with me.. well along with all the food too! Since I have been at this so long, I am used to all the crap food at parties so I either ask the host if I can bring my own dish OR I just eat first & look for semi decent stuff. OH, hell, who am I kidding! I don't do parties that much. It is the family get togethers that can hurt us too & again, I bring my own food!
ReplyDeleteAlways entertaining with you Jack!
I wonder how many party goers have a similar dialogue going? I know I sure do! And hey, I totally LOVE pepperoncini!!!! I could eat a jar Im sure, if I could stand the heat!
ReplyDeleteI hope I can do as well as you tomorrow at the two, count them two, partied I HAVE to attend tomorrow (one is baby shower for boss's daughter, the other is surprise b-day party for boss's hubby)
ReplyDeleteWow, you sound like me at parties. Except mine consists of 26 annoying conversations about when my boyfriend is going to propose to me...."How long have you been together? 5 years? Wow. When are you getting married? Do you think he has a ring yet?..." Ugh.
ReplyDeleteGood for you for getting the smart food. I would have eaten myself into oblivion. :)
You are soooo funny! I actually laughed out loud. Sign me up. So, hopefully no one at those parties read this, but if they did they'd probably laugh too.
ReplyDeleteI do not think Pisa is going to enjoy you talking about her 8th birthday party!
ReplyDeleteShame on you for serving Guinness! Everyone knows eight year olds drink the cheap stuff!
AHAHAHAHAHA I so laughed out loud with this post...the carrot stick....hilarious. I love your sense of humour...I am SOOOO the same...no time to frivolous, non-meaningful crap. I have to attend a party tomorrow. God give me the strength. I'll need to "pretend" to be interested in some of these people's lives...perhaps I will try your carrot trick. lol.
ReplyDeletelmao....oh I am not a scale kinda guy....lol. That sounds like somekind of crap I would say.
ReplyDeleteGood job, wrote a post very similar to this. All about how you end up sounding like jillian michaels in a fat suit. Pizza, who, what me never.
You never fail to leave me absolutely in tears with laughter. You've got a serious gift my friend. I follow all of your tweets---as soon as you tweet--i get it on my phone. Do you realize what kind of killer material you write? And the volume is amazing! Just incredible.
ReplyDeleteThere hasn't been a blog award invented that could accurately describe and show appreciation for your honesty, your insight, your humor, and your overall brilliance.
Man---you gotta be tired of hearing me say this kind of stuff. I can't help it--you completely rock...and I tell everyone about you all the time. I even recite your tweets every now and then.
..."but what if I said it was half empty of awesomeness?" I almost wrecked because of that one. I need to stop reading you while on the road. Dangerously funny.
My best always
Sean
Why use an icepick when a baby carrot will do?
ReplyDeleteLove it! I totally agree about parties! Then again, I always end up doing clean up which I hate. Why are people such slobs? You would think they were eating at a trough.
ReplyDeleteFunny, funny stuff Jack...laughing out loud the whole time, as usual. Hell, I'm still laughing at your battle cry suggestions, my favorite one being "Rise & Starve!" :)
ReplyDeleteAs far as the beer goes, Guinness leaves fur on the roof of my mouth. I'm a Killian's girl myself. :)