Putting the “Oh” in “Opossum”

(excerpt from motivation speech I give whenever I address a passel of opossums)

Pity the poor opossum.

Some people see you more as a giant, dirty scavenging rat, but I’m here to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth.

Think about all the ways that you guys are special.

You have partial or total immunity to the venom produced by rattlesnakes, cottonmouths and other pit vipers.

You have an unusually high need for calcium, which incites you to eat the skeletons of rodents and road kill. You are the sanitation workers of the wild!

Like me, you have a remarkable ability to find food and to remember where it is. Unlike me, you can also find your way through a maze more quickly than rats and cats.

You also keep rats and cockroaches at bay by competing with them for food. In fact, it’s common for you to kill these pests if you find them in your territory.

You have opposable "thumbs" (albeit on your back feet), so thumbs up for that!

When threatened, you respond much like we humans do, by running, growling, belch, urinating and defecating. And when all else fails, you “play ‘possum" and act as if you are dead. The catatonic state can last for up to four hours, and has proven effective as a deterrent to predators as well as a good way to get out of doing the dishes after dinner.

What’s my point? WHY DOES EVERY SPEECH I GIVE HAVE TO HAVE A FREAKIN’ POINT?!?!?!?

Okay, okay. Lemme think… wait, I got it!

Nothing is impossumable!

Thank you.