Today’s To-Do-Not List

Here’s a little list of things I’m planning not to do today. I hope you’ll join me in my admirable show of restraint.

• Stack a dozen Pop-Tarts on a plate, bust them with my forehead and see how fast I can scarf up all the pieces
  
  
• Watch a Sanford & Son marathon
  
  
• Stop by Taco Bell drive-thru and order everything on the menu or $20 worth, whichever comes first
  
  
• Attempt to squirt entire canister of whipped cream into my mouth at one time
  
  
• Go to movieplex and watch every different movie at the theater; get extra butter on my Milk Duds
  
  
• Try to surf the entire internet
  
  
• Work all afternoon on my “fried salad” experiment
  
  
• Tie new kettlebells to back of car and race around the neighborhood
  
  
• Fill kiddie swimming pool with rotel dip
  
  
• Skip my midday workout and take a nap in bathroom stall at the office
  
  
• Go to that fancy cupcake place that makes the fancy cupcakes and eat a bunch of fancy cupcakes
  
  
• Get in starting position for sit-ups and then remain in that position for nine hours
  
  
• Watch whatever’s on because I can’t reach the remote
  
  
• Heat up a frozen pizza in the microwave to tide me over until the pizza delivery guy shows up
  
  
• Play a real-life game of “Hungry Hungry Hippo” on kitchen table with malted milk balls
  
  
• Drink a twelve-pack of six-packs
  
  
• Gargle with pudding
  
  
• Have a “You Da Man, Jack!” sheet cake made at the bakery and eat the entire thing as I’m paying at the counter