More Sh*t Jack Sh*t Says…

• Try my "Coke Water" recipe (half Coke, half water); it has half the calories and sugar of regular Coke!

• Looking for a mood improver? Try a small piece of dark chocolate with a Zoloft tablet inside.

• The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago. The second best time is right now (wait... I feel like 2nd best time should be 19 years ago).

• Health tip: You can make your own healthy Omega-3 fish oil by oiling a fish and then adding some Omega-3 to it.

• Household hint: Got some old mushy bananas? Try going to the store and getting some new fresh bananas.

• It was kinda awkward when the homeless guy pulled me outta the way of upcoming bus, then it turned out I didn't have any spare change.

• Live each day as though it's your last; mine's been filled with updating my will and leaving weepy messages on friend's voicemails...

• If I had to be marooned on a desert island with just one item, I suppose I would choose some sort of wish-granting machine. What about you?

• Fishing is a great way to reduce stress, unless you’re a fish.

• Productivity tip: Instead of “you’re”, always just type “your” – everyone knows it means the same thing!

• Dammit! Got dressed in the dark and just realized I put on two different colored pair of pants...

• Health tip: Eat half whole-wheat pasta or whole half-wheat pasta.

• I don't understand it; I did 20 minutes on the stationary treadmill and didn't even break a sweat...

THE DAILY SCALEY

Traveling out of town, so weighed myself 

on luggage scale (max weight: 75 lbs).