Grocery Shopping Tips

• It's bad to shop while you're hungry, so eat a large pizza before you go.


• Avoid glow-in-the-dark foods.

  
  
• To get in more of a workout on your shopping trip, remove the wheels of your cart.

  
  
• Read labels. Aloud. Loudly. Frequently add scoffing noises and pompous "harrumphs".

  
  
• Nothing will get your heart rate up faster than bringing a small child to the store.
  
  
• Shrilly scream every time you pick up a product that contains High 
Fructose Corn Syrup.

  
  
• Stay out of the snack and cookie aisle. The wonderfully magical and delicious snack and cookie aisle.

  
  
• If they’re out of rice cakes, you can just pick up an air conditioner filter and gnaw on that instead.

  
  
• The best way to tell how fresh the fruits and vegetables are is to give them a good squeeze. The same holds true for canned fruits and veggies.

  
  
• Marshmallows are fat free? Are you sh*ttin' me? I mean, are you sh*ttin' me?
  
  
• To save money, peel bananas before buying them… why pay for heavy banana skins you may not even eat?

  
  
• Make a list and strictly to it. If you stray from it even slightly, ram your cart into the display at the end of the aisle, drop down to your knees and wail "Whhhhhhhyyyyyy!!!!!"
  
  
• 
Don't buy convenience foods (unless you happen to have a coupon).

  
  
• Shop for everything you need in alphabetical order.
  
  
• 
Instead of buying a bunch of beer, merely "sample" a few. Most stores don't mind you cracking open a can or two and trying them as long as nobody sees you do it.