As you may or may not (or may) know, I was selected to give a trial run to the Philips DirectLife activity monitor, an amazing device that, quite frankly, makes every other activity monitor on the planet look like a dried up dog turd. Anyway, I was assigned my own personal DirectLife coach, and, well... one thing led to another. It was a wonderful few weeks, but... *sniff*... read on...Dear DirectLife Coach Jen,
I can’t say I was completely taken by surprise when I received your recent “Dear Jack” letter saying things were over between the two of us, but I guess I was a little disappointed in the impersonal tone:
Dear Jack,
Congratulations. You have completed the DirectLife Activity Plan.
Is that all we ever were, DirectLife Coach Jen? A DirectLife Activity Plan? Do you realize how cheap that makes me feel? Do you even care?
I knew when DirectLife Coach José was rubbing it in about how close he sat to you and how shiny your hair was that it would only be a matter of time before he made his move. Damn him and his sexy accent mark and his suave Latin-lover ways.
I gave 100% during our time together, DirectLife Coach Jen. Actually, according to the link to my Results Page, I gave 101% during our time together (1554 calories per day, to be exact). You even admitted that I’m “above the healthy activity level as set by the World Health Organization”. I’ve moved mountains for you, DirectLife Coach Jen, and this is how you repay me...
And thanks for this little jab: “Yet it seems like things have slowed down lately. Now would be a good time to take that extra step. Try not to get frustrated. It takes time to make lasting lifestyle changes. You're on the right track.” If you were trying to make me cry, DirectLife Coach Jen, then mission accomplished!
I once accused you of being a robot, DirectLife Coach Jen, but now I know that's not true. A robot doesn't send this cold and cruel communication to sever a relationship (I know, because I dated a couple of robots in college...).
I’ll forever keep the little Philips DirectLife activity monitor gizmo in my pocket as a memento of our time together, our beautiful long-distance relationship. But I’ll promise you one thing, DirectLife Coach Jen: you’ll never have another person in your life like Jack Sh*t!
Sincerely,
Jack Sh*t
Wow. Jen is the ultimate Ice Queen. It's definitely her, not you. Or is it the other way around? I always get that part confused.
ReplyDeleteShe was never right for you anyway...at least that's what you should tell yourself and your wife...
ReplyDeleteAwwwwwwww I feel sad. I bet Jen will miss you though and you're right there's no one like JackSh*t *smile*.
ReplyDeleteIndeed! There is only ONE Jack Sh.t! Direct Life Coach Jen is surely scarred for life!
ReplyDeleteDitto that! There's no one else like Jack Sh*t. :)
ReplyDeleteI can't believe she led you on like that! ;)
ReplyDeleteShe couldn't handle you... she should have thrown in the line "it's not you it's me"
ReplyDeleteOh, I'm so sorry, Jack!! Being dumped is the pits. Just don't drown your sorrows in icecream.
ReplyDeleteI don't see nothing wrong with this. I always end my relationships this way;in a cold and distant manner, and by e-mail.
ReplyDeleteOnce you go Jack, you never go back :)
ReplyDeleteI have to ask myself, one: Does DirectLifeCoach Jen think you're funny? I personally think you're hilarious! If I had been her, I would have found a way to extend the time so that I could just enjoy your e-mails longer. Secondly, did she read your e-mails to the entired office? I totally would have! Hilarity like that is too good to keep to one's self!! I'll miss reading your e-mails!
ReplyDeleteWaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!
ReplyDeleteShe doesn't know when she's giving up a good thing! Don't worry you'll always be number one in my virtual books.!
ReplyDeleteYo Jack! She played you like a fiddle! I bet she read the book "The Rules"! She's got you where she wants you . . . she'll hit you up in a couple of months for a new product, and BAM, you'll think you are back in the game again. Seen it a hundred times!
ReplyDeleteBoy meets girl, Boy tries product, Girl pretends to care, Girl really is a 70 year old lady with a wooden leg, Boy cries, Girl passes his account to the Dude in the next cubicle. CLASSIC LOVE STORY!
some people just can't commit Jack.
ReplyDeleteDear Jack,
ReplyDeleteD*mn...I'm feeling even more slighted now...when I heard about your fettish, I went out and bought the expensive hair shine spray and everything...isn't my hair shiny enough? Don't you have enough pretty groupies here that you have to go elsewhere? *hangs head*
Glad to have you back! *smiles and tosses shiny hair*
-Bànd, nope make that...
-Jàck Gròùpìé
PS thanks for the comment...cracked me up...I'll toss him ;-)
It's her loss, Jack!
ReplyDeleteWhat a callous bitch :) You were used!
ReplyDeleteFrame your gadget Jack..and throw darts at it. Your broken heart will soon mend.
That was the saddest Dear Jack letter I've ever read. How will you console yourself?
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, I'm leaving you to follow damanlovett, that sh*ts hilarious.
ReplyDeleteAh but you forget you can keep you relationship with Jen for only 12.50 a month. Couldn't find a cheaper girlfriend anywhere. Alas you get what you pay for.
ReplyDelete