How to Tell You’re Lacking Holiday Spirit

• You hocked a loogie into the Salvation Army bucket.

• You screamed “Just coffee! No gingerbread, no peppermint, no pumpkin spice! JUST COFFEE, DAMMIT!” at a Starbucks barista.

• Christmas song coming on the radio causes you to swerve into oncoming traffic.

• Your letter to Santa is just a long string of obscenities.

• Your contribution to the holiday cookie exchange is an old half-eaten package of Fig Newtons.

•  While watching It’s a Wonderful Life, you start thinking about what a raw deal Ol’ Man Potter got.

• You slammed the door on a group of carolers.

• You do all your holiday shopping at a truck stop gift shop.

• Holiday family newsletter includes a bunch of DUI mugshots.

• You tell coworker, “I like your ugly Christmas sweater; it matches your face.”

• You taped a sprig of mistletoe to your ass.