Fat Ass-trology (for the Holidays)

ARIES-LING (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Congratulations! Due to your Peppermint Mocha addiction, your picture will make the cover of Starbuck's annual report.

TARTUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
Excitement over your spouse getting you a membership to a fitness center is tempered by fact that it's located in deserted warehouse in worst part of town.

GEMINCEMEAT (May 21 - June 20)

Kids go to bed Christmas Eve in tears when you leave rice cakes and a glass of almond milk out for Santa.

CANCEREAL (June 21 - July 22)
New Fitbit you get for Xmas confirm fact that you may indeed be in a coma.

LEOREO (July 23 - Aug 22)
Yes, chocolate is poisonous to dogs; however, you did NOT “save Christmas” by running around and eating every piece of candy in the house.

VIRGOOBERS (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
They'll ask you to play Santa at the office party this year, but it's probably because they heard about how you just killed it in the role of  "Third Townsperson" back in your high school's production of Oklahoma.

LIBROWNIES (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You will somehow manage to break four of your New Year's resolutions while making your list.

SCOOPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
Yes, it gave you more time to work out at the gym, but it turns out that none of your friends or family really appreciate having their presents “wrapped” in a Hefty bag tied with a rubber band.

SPAGHETTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You and a neighbor will get in a terrible fight in which you're both at fault; you shouldn't have eaten her gingerbread house and she should have told you that it wasn't real.

CANDICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
You will prove yourself to be a charitable person filled with the spirit of the season when you go entire month without strangling one of those Salvation Army bell-ringers.

AQUARICEARONI (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Your friends are all pretty health-conscious, so it's a mystery why nobody at the party cares for your egg-substitute nog.

REECE’S PISCES (Feb 19 - March 20)
Good news: you finally manage to get out for a run during the holidays. Never mind that it's because your house catches on fire.