Life Goals, Revised

Well, I’m turning the big FIVE-OHHHHHH today, so I thought it was the proper time to take inventory of my life goals and give them a reality adjustment.

Previous goal: Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro
Revised goal:  Find out where Mt. Kilimanjaro is

Previous goal: Run a half-marathon
Revised goal: Run a half- half- half- half- half- half- half-marathon

Previous goal: Learn to speak Italian
Revised goal: Learn to speak Pig Latin

Previous goal: Make a million dollars
Revised goal: Win a million dollars (come on, Powerball!)

Previous goal: Live fast, die young and leave a beautiful corpse
Revised goal: Slow down, die old and leave a beautiful corpse

Previous goal: Invent a better mousetrap
Revised goal: Learn to live with mice

Previous goal: See the Northern Lights
Revised goal: See everything in the Netflix library

Previous goal: Travel the world
Revised goal: Watch basketball in my underwear

Previous goal: Be a better friend
Revised goal: Tell everybody I know to go to hell

Previous goal: Learn to play the guitar
Revised goal: Learn to play air guitar

Previous goal: Stop procrastinating
Revised goal: Eventually stop procrastinating

Previous goal: Write the great American novel
Revised goal: Write Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit