Taking My Show On The Road

As an everyday blogger for the past two and a half years, I’ve been pretty much like a buffet at a Chinese restaurant; it may not always be good (or tasteful), but there’s always plenty of crap on the table.

That said, I looked at my schedule for October and saw a trip to South Bend (including attending my first Notre Dame football game), three golf tournaments, some big projects on a tight timetable and a two-week anniversary trip all over Italy with my lovely wife Anita.

I sat down and said to myself, “Jack, you need to crank out a month’s worth of content or - if you’re gonna be a lazy-ass - pre-load a bunch of old posts.”

After thinking it over for roughly six seconds, I chose Option B. Truthfully, I could use a break and if I hadn’t mentioned it, you may never have noticed it. My posts are kind of all-the-same and forgettable, after all.

If I can remember to take notes while out of the country, I plan to temporarily convert my weight-loss/healthy living blog into a travel journal. Goodbye, Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit; Hello, Jack Sh*taly, Goin’ to Italy!

Oh, and I’m not packing a scale…

But allow me to go out on a high note: here’s a guest post called "25 Ways to Improve Your Crappy Life" that I wrote for the super-fantastic Joyce Cherrier over at Freaking Fitness. It’s one of my most… well, it’s… okay, it’s pretty much like all my other posts.

Man, I need a vacation…




P.S. I do plan on updating Jack Sh*t Lite some throughout the month. My baby blog is too little to be left all by itself...

More Tips for Healthy Grocery Shopping

• Build strong arm muscles by carrying grocery cart around the store.

• The only way to tell if a cantaloupe is ripe is to thump the produce guy and say “Hey, is this cantaloupe ripe, Produce Guy?”

• Aisle sprints. GO!

• Stretch your arm muscles by reaching for several cans of pork-n-beans on the very top shelf for that nice little old lady, even if nice little old lady insists that she doesn’t want ‘em.

• Tape coupons to bricks to give yourself more of a workout.

• Some stores give out free samples of exotic cheeses. These samples are completely devoid of calories and fat, or so I’ve led myself to believe for some dumbass reason.

• Lead the guys in the lobster tank to a rousing Zumba session!

• Don’t buy products with high-fructose corn syrup and – for God’s sake – don’t even think about buying products with low-fructose corn syrup!

• Buy whole wheat bread, whole wheat pasta and… yeah, yeah… go ahead and buy whole wheat everything! Yes, that includes a whole-wheat copy of Cosmo!

Ways to Decrease Blog Traffic

Do you ever get that feeling that too many people are visiting your blog? That you’d do a little better without so many prying eyeballs oogling every damn thing you’ve got to say?

Don’t fret; I’m here to help drive down your loyal following. Follow these easy-to-implement steps and your blog will soon be an unpopular as mine…

• Stop using capitalization, punctuation and conjunctions.

• Start every post with “I don’t really have anything to say today…” and then proceed to go on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on.

• Always refer to your readers as “retards.”

• Include “fat-free” recipes, each of which start off with an entire can of Crisco.

• Cover 95% of your site with advertising.

• Choose beautiful calligraphy font and make sure it’s super-thin and tiny.

• Repeat same post every other day and see how long it takes anyone to notice.

• Hold contest where you give away some of your old underwear.

• Every post in Pig Latin.

• Download widget that makes visitor’s computer freeze up.

• Polka music that can’t be turned off.

• Jack Sh*t guest post.

More Ways to Make More Time for Exercise

• On January 1st of each year, pay all of your bills for the entire year.

• Instead of wasting time doing laundry, invest in industrial-sized barrel of Fabreeze.

• When working a sudoku puzzle, just put random numbers in random squares.

• Go through car wash at 60 miles per hour.

• One way to get your house cleaned faster is to threaten to fire your housekeeper unless she picks up the pace.

• When dropping your kids off, teach them to roll out of the car so you don’t have to come to a complete stop. They’ll think it’s fun and you’ll pick up a few valuable seconds in your day.

• If you have a flat tire, just keep driving, moron.

• Speed-pray.

• See if you can find a combination manicurist-proctologist.

• Keep a razor in your car so you can shave your legs while stuck in traffic.

• How about this for a bedtime story: Once upon a time, there was a princess who lived happily ever after. The end.

Weight Loss Songs for The Wee Little Children

I'm a Little Crackpot
I'm a not-so-little crackpot
Tall and stout
.
"Jack" is my handle
.
I liked to pig out.

Then I got all steamed up.
Hear me shout
...
“Healthy person locked inside
...
Please come out!”

Skip to My Looney

Poo, Poo, Snack Jackie Poo
Poo, Poo, Snack Jackie Poo
Poo, Poo, Snack Jackie Poo
Snack Jackie Poo, I'm starvin'!


Quit eatin’ Butterfingers,

Shoo, Jack, shoo!
Quit eatin’ Butterfingers.

Shoo, Jack, shoo!
Quit eatin’ Butterfingers.

Milky Ways, too!
Jack Jackie Poo, I'm watchin'.


Poo, Poo, Sad Jackie Poo

Poo, Poo, Sad Jackie Poo

Poo, Poo, Sad Jackie Poo

Jack Jackie Poo, quit sobbin'!


Lost my mojo, what'll I do?
Lost my mojo, what'll I do?
Lost my mojo, you did too?

Jack Jackie Poo, I'm fallin'!

Poo, Poo, Jog Jackie Poo

Poo, Poo, Jog Jackie Poo

Poo, Poo, Jog Jackie Poo

Jack Jackie Poo, we're chargin'!

I’m gonna do this, you are, too.

I’m gonna do this, you are, too.

I’m gonna do this, you are, too.
Jack Jackie Poo, my darlin'!

Old Jack Sh*tter

Old Jack Sh*tter was a fat ol’ man
.
He ate hash browns from the frying pan.
He wore blue jeans that were way too tight
,
And he never could stick to his diet.

Life’s not good for old Jack Sh*tter
.
He just ate an apple fritter.

Fritter’s gone, makes him go nuts
.
He just left to get more donuts.

Old Jack Sh*tter went to town
.
Stopped at every buffet around.
Ate like it was some kind of sickness
.
Put three restaurants out of business.

Get out the way for ol’ Jack Sh*tter
.
Obesity has made him bitter.
Bitter now, but better he’ll be
,
When he quits being so B-I-G.

Jack finally started to fly straight.
Begun doing something ‘bout his weight
.
Got a fire–not food–in his belly
.
Excercising and eating healthy.

Get out the way for new Jack Sh*tter.
Providing health tips there on Twitter.
Twitter, sure, and he’s got a blog, too
.
He sure hopes you'll get more fit, too.

My Loss Is Your Gain

Weekly weigh-in: 230.8

Loss: -0.2
Total loss: -61.1
Emotion: Any loss = good loss

Not much to say this week, except that you you really oughta check out my new "lite" blog. It's got waaaaay fewer calories and a ton less fat that this one.

Head on over to Jack Sh*t, Gettin' Fit (Lite).

A Different Sort of W.I.D.T.H.

 Hello Jack. 

 You don't know me and I don't know you, but I'm writing you because I have to thank you. 

If you want to know anything about me at all, I can tell you that my name's Giulia, I go by Zu, I am Italian, I'm a food and book addict (I know mixing drugs is dangerous, but sometimes I use those at the same time, too), and I'm one of your undoubtedly numerous followers (or more accurately, lurker). 

I don't even have a blog, I'm too much of a procrastinator to even think about maintaining one for more than a week; I do, however, follow other people's blogs quite religiously, yours in primis. I have a weight problem, obviously, I wouldn't be writing you otherwise, but I also have a social anxiety problem, which gave me quite a lot of problems in the last few years. 

I was  trapped in a maze of binge eating, guilt trips, feeling worthless, getting fatter and squashing everything down with more food. You know the drill. I'm not out of it, yet, not by a long shot (I wonder if I ever will be), but at least I see the emergency exit signs I wasn't able to see before. You, among other and far more personal reasons, are one of the whys you keep on asking about, why I do this here, why I do this now, why. Because I needed it, because I wanted to say that I was worth it (and believe it), because I needed someone to make me see this huuuuuuuuuuge mountain that I had in front of me exactly for what it was: just a gigantic pile of bullshit I had to climb one little step at a time. 

You have such a unique approach towards the food-issue and the weight loss-issue and the oh jesus do I have to go to the gym again-issue that made me realize that one of the biggest obstacles in reaching the top of that goddamned mountain (pardon my french, but they're neighbours) was simply my lazy-ass self and my non-stop whining about my not being able to reach my goals. I can't do it, so I won't do it (and cry a little about it, while I'm there). 

Guess what, I'm doing it, and I'm succeeding. So, that's why I wanted to thank you and your incredible sense of humour, for helping me realize that life's already miserable for 90% of itself and that it doesn't really need me to put another cherry of desolation on its shitty top. I leave you with my whys, you can choose one of them or throw them all away, it's your choice. I don't have any pictures of myself, besides the one I took when I decided I had enough and the one I took one year later; both pictures were taken on my birthday and none were taken in between, so my cards are a little...different. I leave them with you anyway. I will know that you read them and you'll know that you touched me, and that will be enough.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

A hug,

Zu

I should have asked Zu's permission to share her correspondence with me, but think I'll implore her forgiveness instead. It just really captured pretty much what this entire project is about. I wish she had her own blog so I could follow along...

If you'd like to share your why-I-do-this-here note(s), please email 'em to me at jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com. Please pass along a blog link if you'd like it included.

Tip Tip Tooray! More Weight-Loss Tips!

• Listen to your body, except when it's saying "Hey buddy! How's about a bag of them there Cool Ranch Doritos?"

• Some gyms will let you work out for free if your friend creates a large enough diversion.

• To make yourself drink more water, remember this little saying that mother otters tell baby otters: "Be a good little otter and drink your water like you oughta." What? Yes, I know that otters aren't capable of human speech. I was just making a point about drinking more water. Geez Loiuse!

• When you salt food, use something besides salt.

• Yesterday's tomorrow is today's today. I don't see how that pertains to anything but I like to take any opportunity I can to BLOW YOUR MIND.

• Cook with extra-virgin olive oil instead of that whorish peanut oil.

• Taking up "fake smoking" lets you stretch your legs and get outside several times a day without all the health risks associated with regular smoking.

• Sitting is really detrimental to your weight-loss plans, which is why my blog is often filled with quickly scribbled weight-loss "tips". Back to the gym!

More Ways to Make a More Healthy Office

• Instead of taking the elevator at your office building, try calling in sick and going to the gym instead.

• Instead of photocopies, make yogacopies.

• One simple way to get your heart rate up is to do such a poor job that you’re constantly worried you’ll get fired.

• Excuse yourself from a staff meeting and go run a marathon.

• Invest in some carpet skates and sliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide to your next meeting.

• Make Mondays optional.

• Keep a bucket of hand sanitizer in the lobby and encourage people to dip their hands in it regularly.

• Replace harsh flurescent office lights with complete and utter darkness.

• If you’re going to offer donuts in the break room, at least make sure each one is first injected with a flu shot.

• Get a hands-free headset for your phone (wait… that was for my list of how to annoy the hell out of your co-workers).

• Drink more water by running a garden hose from restroom to your desk.

• Start a Health Eating Club. Yeah, it’s gonna be lonely but you’re used to loneliness, right?

• Replace your office chair with a personal trainer.

• It’s simple to turn an ordinary coffee maker into a juicer. Just invent a really small juicer that fits in the coffee filter basket thingy.

Smoke Break

“Can I bum one of those?” asked the guy that works in the financial company upstairs.

“Help yourself,” I answered, milling around near the back door of our office building, warm sunshine beating down on my slightly upturned face.

“Waitaminute…,” he stammered. “This is chalk!”

“Yeah,” I nodded, taking a piece of chalk from my lips and exhaling.

“Why are you ‘smoking’ chalk?”

“I recently read an article about how bad sitting at a desk can be for you.”

“I don’t get it.”

“Well, somehow smokers have worked it out so that they get multiple breaks during the day where they get to get up and go outside for a bit while I’m slaving away upstairs.”

“Yeah, but…”

“So when I take my ‘smoke break’, it allows me to stretch my legs and walk the halls, plus go up and down a couple of flights of stairs. That little bit of exercise really adds up, y’know.”

“Yeah, but…”

“And don’t discount the benefits of a little time in the sunshine. Vitamin D helps our bodies absorb calcium and helps form and maintain strong bones. Studies have linked Vitamin D deficiency to a number of serious health problems, including heart disease, several types of cancer, osteoporosis, diabetes, Alzheimer's disease and some autoimmune disorders.”

“Yeah, but…”

“And then there’s the whole concept of a mental break. The benefits of my time away from my workday stress include a mental recess, emotional relief and a physical change of place and pace. It all adds up to a healthy lifestyle.”

“Yeah, but dude… this is chalk.”

“Well,” I explained. “I ran the numbers on smoking and it turns out that the negatives… addiction, cancer, stinky clothes… far outweigh the health benefits of the ‘smoke break’.”

“So…”

“Chalk,” I grinned.

“Well,” the guy sighed. “At least that explains the hopscotch grid in the parking lot.”

It’s a Marvelous Week for a Weight Loss

Well, it's a marvelous week for a weight loss,
With our pants moving down one more size.
It’s fantastic you track what you ate, boss.
Good thing you said “No” to those fries.

And all the workouts that you worked out,
To the sound of your favorite playlist.
And all the blogs that you regularly read now
(By far this one is the strangest).

But all your beeeeeeest efforts seems to falter and fail
And all the soft serve ice cream’s made you big as a whale.

Can I just have one more weight loss on you, my scale?
Did I just eat some more cream sauce again, oh hell! 



Well, I wanna get healthly and more fit.
I can’t wait until I’m finally at goal.
I’m gonna do it or my name is not “Jack Sh*t”
Ummmm… okay, you got a point there, asshole.

But then I know my health will be better
When I put my own fitness first.  

There and then, all my dreams will come true, dear
.
And then I won’t look and feel my worst.

And every time I eat crap, I feel weaker inside
And when my pants get too tight, I just want to hide.

Can I just have one more weight loss on you, my scale?
Can I just make a big escape from this, my jail?

Well, it's a marvelous week for a weight loss,
With new habits that’ll be hard to break.
Just not gonna succumb to my old fate, boss.

Trading pounds off for that pound cake.



Yes all the flab on my abs it is leaving
As I break from my former routine.
All it takes is hard work and believing.
Plus exercise and some healthy cuisine.

Now all the pounds are falling,
And my future’s feeling more shiny.
And I’m trying to answer a higher calling,
To help others take pounds from their hiney.

And all the diet’s magic makes you healthy and strong
And you look so much better, when you’re rockin’ a thong.
Can I just have one more weight loss on my, rear end?

Can I just make some weight loss magic with you, my friend?



One more weight loss  with you

In the moon light, on a magic night
.
Can I just have one more  weight loss with you, my love?

Things I Hope Are Heard At My Funeral

• “I don’t know what’s more surprising, that he was the world’s oldest man or that he broke the record by so many years.”

• “Damn, that is one fit corpse!”

• “Look, he’s moving. JACK’S NOT REALLY DEAD!”

• “I really regret lending Mr. Sh*t all that money now…”

• “See those jeans he’s being buried in? 32 inch waist!”

• “Did you see his last Facebook status? All it said was “Somebody’s having party with bright white light and a bunch of angels singing. I’m gonna go bitch them out!”

• “Twitter is having an ‘140-character’ moment of silence in honor of Jack.”

• “I guess Brad Pitt’s here because he played Jack in the movie.”

• “I’m just glad we ironed out the cloning process before he kicked the bucket.”

• “Damn… I miss his blog already.”

What's Your Motivation?

Weekly weigh-in: 231.0

Loss: -0.4
Total loss: -60.9
Emotion: Ready for my close-up


What’s it the actors say?

“I’m having trouble finding my motivation…”

I’m going to be out of town three weeks next month, one on a business trip to South Bend and two in Italy with my beautimous wife Anita.

So I’m fighting off the temptation to wait until I get back home to get really serious with my health/weight loss goals. One of the main reasons NOT to just to coast until November is that I realize how easy it would be to, at that point, just say “Well, let’s just wait until the holidays are over and get off to a brand new fresh start!”

You don’t have to tell me what a terrifically terrible idea that is, and I don’t need your sympathy about me having to travel to Europe and eat awesomely authentic Italian food (do they have an Olive Garden there?) and drinking hearty red wine as fast as they can stomp the grapes.

I know, I know…

Stay the course. Make good choices. Exercise with passion.

There. There’s your motivation!

Lights, camera… ACTION!

Calling My Next W.I.D.T.H.-Ness

Tony Robbins always says "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always gotten." Or maybe it was Tony Orlando. I dunno... Google it yourself if you really gotta know. My point is that the folks who are the most successful on this weight losing/healthy living merry-go-round seem to be the ones who've really figured out WHY they want to be successful.

My W.I.D.T.H. (Why I Do This Here) series is simply a celebration of the multitude of reasons people have chosen to spur them along on their journey. If you'd like to share your reason(s), just shoot me a pic at jacksh.tgettinfit@gmail.com (be sure to include a blog link if you'd like it included). 

 

Samantha

 Danielle

 Marian (from Spain!)

 

Kelly @ Kelly Is Losing Weight

 

Bobbi @ An Englishman for Every 10 Pounds

 

Sooze @ The Journey Provides the Destination

KateThulu @ The Blog of KateThulu

Even More Excuses for a Bad Weigh-in

• Stepped on scale with wrong foot first

• Shouldn't have carried 10-lb rabbit's foot for luck.

• Pissed off that old voodoo woman at the park.

• Nobody told me cheese fries had lot of calories.

• Prayed to God and Jesus, but completely forgot about Holy Ghost.

• Friends really let me down by dragging me to bar and forcing me to drink heavily.

• Boss won't let me telecommute from gym.

• Thought big gain would make more interesting blog material.

• Read that muscle weighs more than fat so I must have somehow grown a bunch of new muscles.

• Forgot "safe word" that scale and I had agreed upon.

• It's all food's fault for being some damned delicious.

Tippity Doo-Dah... More Weight-Loss Tips!

• Don't run if you feel a pain in your knee or if somebody's on your lucky treadmill.

• One way to get more fruits and vegetables in your diet is to eat more fruits and vegetables.

• If you don't like drinking water, try doing what they do in Mexico: drinking aqua.

• Rock climbing is a great way to get more fit, but don't forget to put a trampoline on the ground beneath you for safety.

• The next time you're making pasta for dinner, try using whole wheat spaghetti sauce.

• If you can't afford a punching bag to practice your kick-boxing, just use the hot-water heater instead.

• Always go above and beyond, over and above, above and below and above and a dove.

• We runners have an old saying: "The shoe must go on." Except those stupid barefoot runners. I hope they step on a piece of glass!

My Computer's Trying To Tell Me Something...

 

 

Booty and the Beast

Damn, it sure pains me to see you, Jack Sh*t,
Sitting there after a gain.
Don’t you know better than eating Chinese?
Lots of sodium in that chow mein.
There’s no way to lose when you’re eating like that.
Your poundage is still way too high.
Your shirts don’t fit right and your pants are too tight,
And it’s not very hard to see why…

No one snacks like Jack Sh*t.
Drinks six-packs like Jack Sh*t.
Splits a rip in the ass of his slacks like Jack Sh*t.
No, there’s no one around quite as portly.
He’s true that he just ate a ton.
And if he doesn’t change things up shortly,
He won’t have much longer, in the long run.

No one drinks like Jack Sh*t.
Pulls high jinks like Jack Sh*t.

No one has a Twitter feed that stinks like Jack Sh*t.

Check the scale, yes, he’s still inflating.

What a lard-ass, that Jack Sh*t!



Eat five hot dogs,

Eat twelve bags of chips.
Jack Sh*t can’t pull his pants over his hips.

Now… no one diets like Jack Sh*t.

No one writes like Jack Sh*t.
No one works out in sparkly tights like Jack Sh*t.
Oh, his physique is nowhere as lumpy,
Yes, now he’s a workout machine.
Look, his biceps are getting more bumpy.
That’s right!
And every last inch of him’s getting more lean.



No one runs like Jack Sh*t.

Shows his guns like Jack Sh*t.
Has quit eating hamburger buns like Jack Sh*t.

I'm especially good at blog commentating!

Ten points for Jack Sh*t!



When I was too fat, I ate four dozen eggs

Every morning to help me get large.

Now these days I know eating four dozen eggs,

Leaves you roughly the size of a barge!
 


No one jogs like Jack Sh*t
(more like “slogs” like Jack Sh*t).
No one writes such ridiculous blogs like Jack Sh*t.
I use protein whey in all of my smoothie-making.
Tweet it today,

He drinks lite cabernet,

And then tweet it some more,

He lifts weights ‘til he’s sore.

Who’s a super hot mess?

Don't you know? Can't you guess?

Ask his fans and his friends getting fit.

There’s just one guy in town whose weight’s coming down,

And his name's J-A-C-K-
S-H- ummmmmm…

S-H-ASTERISK-T


JACK SH*T!!!

Mistakes? I've Made a Few...

• Included social security number on Facebook profile.

• Thought Milk Duds was a calcium supplement.

• Signed up for national chain fitness center that didn't have any locations in city I live.

• Learned that, apparently, online poker doesn't burn as any calories as exercise.

• Measured my "5 mile running trail" and it turned out to only be 100 yards.

• Discovered my recipe for "fat-free" brownies includes three sticks of butter.

• Thought I was just on super long plateau, but turns out I'm heavier than my scale's maximum weight.

• Thought I was recording a "podcast" but it turned out to be my cellphone voice-mail welcome message.

Taking Notes

 

I'm turning off comments for this post because I really do want what you have to say in note card form. Email your photos (preferably in jpg format) to JackSh.tGettinFit@gmail.com. Be sure to include a blog link if you've got one...