A Frank & Honest Discussion About You-Know-What

Welcome to "Same Old Sh*t" Saturday, where the motto is "out with the old, in with the old!" I sat on this post for a bit after writing it and wound up sending it out into the world via guest post at another site. I had some silly notion that my readers would be offended by me getting a little jiggy with it. Another case of me not knowing very much...


I don’t consider myself a prude when it comes to talking about… well, you-know-what. Y’know… the four legged frolic, the mattress mambo, the bump and grind, taking the skin schooner to Tuna Town, passing the gravy, taking “Old One-Eye” to the optometrist. You know…

Really, even though I did pass out during our birds-and-bees talk with my daughters, Sallie Mae and Holly, I’m really perfectly at ease talking about… um… boom boom. You know, boffing. Boinking. Boning. Bonking. Boofing.

Why am I here talking about the old in ‘n out, scream ‘n' shout? I mean, I usually spend my time spouting off about weight-loss issues. I’ve written hundreds of posts over at Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit, but not once have I addressed the subject of… um… harnessing the underwear unicorn.

But the two subjects are… um… interconnected quite a bit, and it’s about time somebody gave the discussion the serious look it deserves.

Here’s something that’s hard to believe: in a study from the Journal of Urology, obese men who did little exercise were 2.5 times at greater risk for not being able to maintain a… well… you know. Captain Standish. The roaring horn. The golden rivet. In one’s Sunday best. An Irish toothache. Morning pride. Old Hornington. That’s compared with men who were not overweight and averaged 30 minutes of vigorous exercise a day. Men as young as 20 report… ummmm… equipment malfunctions… attributed to obesity or inactivity.

However, that’s the extreme case. Taking the bullet train through Yonker’s tunnel is simply much more enjoyable when you’re fit and healthy. A report in the Journal of the American College of Surgeons shows that obese men reported significantly better hanky panky after losing gobs of weight.

The research involved 97 men (average age – 48), all of whom were “morbidly obese.” The conclusions are based on the patients’ own reporting of how their dippity doo da was going before and again several months after gastric bypass surgery that allowed them to shed significant poundage. I guess it’s not that surprising that… umm… batter dipping the corn dog was a better all-around experience at the lower weight.

A Duke University study found that even a 10% reduction in weight results in major improvements in all areas of the participants' whoopee making, including arousal, feelings of attractiveness and enjoyment of… y’know… hippity dippitty.

Best of all, half an hour of… umm… taking the love luge on the inbound loin line helps you burn anywhere from 150-350 calories, depending on the level of activity. I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather spend my time putting sour cream on the taco than hanging out at the gym.

And it’s not just the pleasure involved with activating the special Wonder Twin powers that’s at stake. Researchers in Denmark studied nearly 50,000 couples and found that if both partners were obese, the chances of the couple having to wait more than a year to get pregnant were nearly three times higher than for a normal-weight couple. If both partners were simply overweight, the likelihood they would have to wait longer than a year was 1.4 times higher.

There are lots and lots of fantastic reasons for you to drop this weight, but a better experience during the mommy-daddy dance has gotta rank up there near the top.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go butter the muffin (no, really… I’ve having a muffin for a snack; what did you think I meant?)