Holiday Party Survival Tricks

You’re at a holiday party, thrown into the middle of all kinds of tasty treats, alcohol, egg nog, fruitcake, Brazil nuts… all kinds of temptations and tantalizations. Thankfully, I'm here to offer you a bunch of tips to help you navigate your way through the event...

• Always bring a pocketful of low-fat ranch dressing to dip carrot sticks in.
• Dance furiously to burn off extra calories, even if there isn’t any music.
• When you see a plate of cookies, think about me licking each one of them (because I do that at every party I go to).
• If you’re looking for a beer that’s lighter than regular beer, try “light” beer.
• Chewing on poinsettia leaves will suppress your appetite (probably due to the fact that they’re poisonous).
• Instead of eggnog, enjoy a glass of eggwhitenog.
• If there’s a bowl of chocolates, stuff them all in your mouth as quickly as possible so that they won’t wind up tempting you all evening long.
• To get a little exercise, use the restroom at the house down at the end of the block.
• When no one’s looking, spin around a couple hundred times.
• Raw vegetables are a good healthy choice, especially if you fry them up and dip them in catsup.
• While you’re talking to your boss at the office party, shake uncontrollably. It burns 40 calories an hour.
• If someone offers you a piece of cake, explain that you’re Catholic and can’t have any.
• Wear clothes that are three times too small so that you won’t feel like eating because one sugar cookie might make a button shoot off you as if shot out of a gun.
• Ask the host if he or she has a treadmill that you can drag out into the living room.
• Every time someone offers you a drink, fake a heart attack.