But then again, too few to mention.Except…
Well, as I’ve been scrounging through my closet of memories about weight-loss issues, I come back time and time again to the months before my marriage to my wife Anita. We had been dating since we were toddlers, and I had just started my career as a worker bee when we planned our nuptuals.
I guess the stress of getting up every morning and going to sit in a cubicle was starting to get to me, because I plumped up pretty impressively. Rarely if ever over the course of our marriage has Anita been critical of my weight. She’s been concerned for me, and I’m sure she’s wished that I’d take better care of myself, but she’s loved me for who I am, no matter my size.
However…
In the months leading up to our wedding, she asked me point-blank to lose weight. Pleaded with me to at least try. Just twenty pounds. I think we had a little argument, but I’m pretty sure that my heart wasn’t in the fight.
Unfortunately, my heart wasn’t in the idea of losing any weight either.
Why could that possibly be? Why wouldn’t I want to drop a few pounds for the most important day of my life? Why wouldn’t I want to honor the request of the woman that meant the most to me in the world? To this day, it still boggles my mind.
I’d like to go back in time, grab that chubby young man by the collar and really blast him with both barrels. I don’t know what it would have taken to get through his thick skull; I’m not sure there’s anything I could have said to him. It was selfish and lazy and unconscionable.
To this day, I grimace when I see the wedding photos. I simply can’t watch the video that was taken that day. It stings worse than looking at all the other photographs where I look… well… not at my best. It hurts more because I should have been stronger… I should have done what my wife asked me to do.
English writer and clergyman Sydney Smith once said “Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable.”
I let my glowing bride down a long time ago, but the future? I plan to live my future without the weight, without the pain and without regret.
how has your relationship changed/been repaired since you've lost the weight? Can you have now wedding pictures taken?
ReplyDeleteI think that this is such a great post. I don't want to live in regret either. I was actually washing dishes today and said to myself 'Lets make these 10 weeks awesome'. Thanks for sharing this.
You really did act like a Sh*t, Jack. But as a long-time married man, you know the wedding videos don't mean much -- its all the stuff that happens after the wedding that matters.
ReplyDeleteI looked great in my wedding pictures -- but every picture after that, for 14 years, is painful to look at. My husband has known me at every weight from 134 to 234.
Here's to a future "without pain and without regret."
wow...thanks for sharing such a personal story.
ReplyDeleteJack, it's simple you weren't ready and it doesnt' matter who asks you to lose weight it isn't going to happen if you don't want it! But you know what this time you were ready and look how far you have come and how many people you inspire.
ReplyDeleteHere's a thought, when you get to goal...how about renew your vows...(running away, hopefully I don't open a can of worms.......
I love that Sydney Smith quote. So true, so very true.
ReplyDeleteFood McBody had a great post about this a while ago... perhaps (don't know if this is true for you) having to lose weight for appearance alone is not enough of a motivator for many of us. As a young woman I kept myself at a normal weight because I more or less felt I had to for social reasons-- but I resented it. Got married, had a kid which added 50 pounds, and it just seemed too hard to take off. It wasn't until I saw the health consequences (which took fifteen years to start showing) that I finally got it.
ReplyDeleteJack, you don't say how long you've been married, but perhaps there is a renewal of your vows on the horizon where you can shine for her in her eyes the way you obviously do in her heart. A tuxedo and an off white gown would look just as good today (better?) than they did 20 or 30 years ago. And they would mean even more given the longevity of your relationship.
ReplyDeleteI never managed to lose any weight for my wedding, either. However, whoever above said that the part that's most important is the part that comes after the wedding is right! The wedding is one day--the marriage is for the rest of your life. Also, someone else wanting you to lose weight really isn't a good motivation, no matter how much you love them and want to make them happy.
ReplyDeleteAs some of your readers above have suggested, why don't you arrange for a renewal of your vows now - go the whole hog and do the suit and dress thing, invite your friends, have a party... but get some lovely photos of you and Anita together in your finery.
ReplyDeleteJack,
ReplyDeleteI'm pretty sure that in the end, she'll be far happier that you are healthy and ALIVE to enjoy your old age with her than she would have been to have a thin groom. Cut yourself some slack. And also, my hubs and I re-new every 10 years. Might I suggest you do the same. It's superfun! :)
Today is what matters. Don't look back. Your love together at this very moment is what brings joy to both of you. She will always be your bride. And I bet you're one handsome groom!
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I feel strange looking back at our wedding photos...we wer eboth much bigger then. At the time we figured we looked OK...go figure.
ReplyDeleteWe have chosen to let those pictures remind us of how far we've come instead of dwelling on the past negatively. Today is what matters....just think of how far you've come.
Your wife lvoes you for who you are, no matter what your weight and that is wonderful...:)
I agree with Syl, renew your vows....then get all new pictures done!!!
ReplyDeleteNo one can make the decision to have you lose weight, it won't work (or last)
I got to lifetime the first time at the age of 18 to please my Mother. WRONG. I'm way past my goal weight now...and with a lot of hard work because I want it...I'll get there again!!!
Feel good that you can now view that regret from the perspective of success. I imagine that you wouldn't even be speaking of (maybe not even willing to face) the regret if you were still in debt of fulfilling the wish. Be happy that you did finally get there because anyone who has been in that position knows it wasn't easy.
ReplyDeleteSounds like a fantastic time to renew the vows Jack. I can't think of anything more fitting after a story like this. :)
ReplyDeleteWe all have regets!
ReplyDeleteI like the renew the vows thing. GO for it. Make it up to Anita. No more regrets.
It's difficult to stay on track and not enjoy the fruits of nature. I never want to get to the point where I have to say goodbye forever to any pleasureable experience.
ReplyDeleteMy mantra? A second on the lips, forever on the hips and if I want it I have to work for it...hard and sweaty.
Keep up the good work.
I read this: I plan to live my future without the weight, without the pain and without regret.
ReplyDeleteAs I plan to give my future wife. . .
I sort of know how you feel. While my husband didn't ask me to lose weight (because he would still be single now if he did!!), I wanted to lose it for my big day. But I didn't. So every time I see pictures of my wedding, the first thought is not, "look how happy we are", it's "why didn't I just drop a few pounds?".
ReplyDeleteSo I get how you feel. Too bad we can't go back and have a do-over. The best we can do right now is live our best possible life today.
I'm with Syl on this one Jack (shes one smart lady) ;)
ReplyDeleteYOU had to be ready to lose it for YOU. It didn't mean you loved her any less. I think renewing your vows is a great idea.
Regretting things sucks... regret has no place in a happy and fulfilling life
ReplyDeleteyou should have a second wedding, when you finally get down to your goal weight! i bet it would be cute & she would love it
ReplyDeleteJack, I love this post & how your inner feelings come out not in humor but in straight forward you. Yes, we can take days without humor to learn from you!!! Thank you so much for sharing such a tough & heart felt story. I think we all can feel some of that pain if we have been where you were.... and that quote, amazing! I added it to my list of quotes I have been collecting for 6 years.
ReplyDeleteJack, I really have no doubt that you will not let your wife or yourself down again. You have his right both physically but more so, mentally!
Sometimes we learn things the hard way.
ReplyDeleteYou are definately taking the correct action now.
Bravo.
The wonderful part about this whole post is that she loved you for you...and you will never have to doubt that. You both will appreciate what you have done to extend the length of your marriage.
ReplyDeleteIt's hard to look back on those kind of pics, but that part has to take some of the sting out of it.
What a great post! Well you can always get married again when you reach goal... just an idea.
ReplyDeleteRegrets were and are part of the fabric of my years of obesity. I like you, cringe at certain memories I have of myself.
ReplyDeleteBut I just try and stay focused on all I have accomplished and how now I have the energy to be a better wife and mother.
Now you should probably focus on being the best husband and father - but you get my point!!
I learned to make peace with my chubbier self. There are things to be learned. It all leads to here. :)
ReplyDeleteI bet that's why she asked you to lose the weight--because she knew that maybe someday you would care, and then you'd look back with a lot of regret. Here's to no more regrets!
ReplyDeleteAwww... I hear a vow renewal coming on!! Make it up to her :)
ReplyDeletei'm with the vow renewal crew.
ReplyDeleteI lost 70 lbs before my wedding to Hubs, and then I lost another 20 in the following year.. then in less than a year and a half.. i gained it all back..and then some. What I regret now.. is that I gained it back.. and there's NO pictures of us together for the last couple of years that I'm proud of. I've hidden from cameras... all our vacation pics are of him, or the scenery.
I can't wait to take more pics of us together.
Regrets are useful.. if they dont' consume us, and spur us on to change.
I understand you.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I'm at the gym, struggling to lift weights and I get ANGRY at myself because... how could I let myself become so weak?
But you, what's done is done.. I'm trying to make things better now and that's what really matter NOW. :)
Jack, I've tried to post a comment three times and keep getting kicked off, so I am going to make this quick.
ReplyDeleteI linked over to you from Something Brilliant is Brewing and have read only today's post and I do believe I am hooked! As for regret, please don't do that to yourself. Regret is as damaging as guilt. You cannot go back. Yesterday is gone to us. But you can go forward, and you ARE. You ARE Jack. That is all that matters.
I was a size 8 when I got married...a size 24 fifteen years in...I am losing weight. My big regret is that I got married in front of a jop and not a preacher. I know it counts but still...I want to redo our vows.
ReplyDeleteMan Jack, If you did it (renewed your vows with anita)as a surprise...(hope anita doesn't read this comment)...but found a suit that looked like the one you got married in and everything...my God, that would be romantic. You would be off her sh*t list for good. Just a thought. But I think renewing your vows would prove that you remembered, that you wanted to make her happy that day and every day after, What woman wouldn't love that. It would wipe out that other memory fo sho. just a thought.
This is such a personal story, and while it's a little sad to think back to that day, it's also amazing to look into the future. Congrats on finding the strength...wow...
ReplyDeleteSometimes we might not know the reason, but I believe we do things just as we were meant to. Sure, I spent YEARS struggling with my weight and pissing and moaning about it, but only on that fateful day in January 2007 was I ready to do something about it.
ReplyDeleteJust got married very recently, and though I'm not done losing weight, I also don't forsee being disappointed in where I was at then. It was actually a requirement for me before I got married to "get my life together" (aka, savings, a good job I'm proud of, and especially losing the flubber). My poor fiance. He proposed to me with onion rings and ring pops and just wanted to be married - I had something in mind and wasn't ready for the process for a long time. I'm very glad I waited though.
I feel you on the wedding photos thing. I feel the same way. I plan on having photos made both wearing the huge size 20 dress I had to wear ... and then the same dress, remade to my "skinny" size.
ReplyDeleteI think you and the wifey SHOULD renew your vows, just the two of you (or maybe a few friends and family). Get dressed up. Take more photos!
oh jack
ReplyDelete*sigh*