What I Learned When I Started Lifting Weights Again

• Apparently it’s “improper form” to crap your pants during a bench press.
• Muscle dudes don’t like it when you ask to borrow “a cup of testosterone.”
• Weights are heavier now then they used to be; I think it may have something to do with the metric system.
• Apparently, I was the only one who thought it was awesome to name my biceps “Thing One” and “Thing Two.”
• There’s always some dude that wants to stand there and impatiently wait for the machine you just got on; for your information, I am that dude.
• No, I can’t squat thrust as much weight as you can, but you can’t yodel as loudly as I can. I’d say we’re even.
• Not everybody wants to be your workout buddy, even if you ask them over and over and over.
• Working out in a wool turtleneck sweater isn’t so much of a good idea.
• They’re not “girl pushups,” dumbass; they’re “lady pushups.”
• Apparently, you’re not supposed to have your feet on the ground when doing a chin-up (and I was going for the all-time record, dammit!).
• Quit singing along with your iPod (apparently somebody’s not a big Sound of Music fan).
• Working until your triceps burn: good. Asking dude to blow on your burning triceps: not so good.
• “Gluteus Maximus!” is not a synonym for “Good Morning!”
• Don’t make the mistake of using a fire extinguisher to hose off sweat from the machines after use. Excuse me for cleaning the equipment!
• Steroid-water leaves a nasty aftertaste.
• IcyHot + spandex rash = Ai yah yaiiiiii!
• If you accept the responsibility of “spotting” someone, you really need to not let the weights drop on their neck because then everybody’s gonna shoot you dirty looks the rest of your workout.