Pomegranate Juice, the World’s Most Perfect Weight Loss Drink

When some nice lady at POM Wonderful offered to send me–for free—some pomegranate juice and assorted pomma-propaganda about its “so-called” health benefits, I was a wee bit skeptical.

I don’t intend to use this space as a means for companies to promote their various goods and services. I don’t want any apparel companies sending me any shirts (XXL) or running shoes (size 13). Don’t send me your fancy Wii games or exotic snack products (email me for address)… and expect a glowing review. Don’t be influenced by the fact that the POM Wonderful people sent me some samples and I concluded, without any undue influence from them, that pomegranate juice is the world’s most perfect weight loss drink.

Besides its awe-inspiring nutritional benefits, here’re some of my other findings…

• Often referred to as “Nature’s Viagra.”
• Pretty sure that it gives drinker array of super powers.
• World’s oldest woman Emma St. Clair Augustyn credits her longevity to drinking gin & Pom every afternoon.
• Turns bad cholesterol into magically wonderful cholesterol.
• Is purple, God’s favorite color.
• Ever since I started drinking it last week, haven’t had a single cavity.
• Creates inner glow that makes hair shinier and tattoos more vibrant.
• Cheaper, per ounce, than liquid diamonds.
• When mixed with Red Bull, gives user “energy boost.”
• When mixed with Jägermeister, gives user “intoxication boost.”
• Cleopatra drank it and she was a stone cold fox.
• Cures “thirsty mouth.”
• Bottle doubles as sex toy.
• If you spill it, can quickly obscure the clinical research highlights and physician references that the POM Wonderful people might have sent you.

Remember, Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit is not for sale; however, attractive leasing rates are available. Operators are standing by.