Dear Jack,
I’m emailing you from one year in the future (go to Outlook under Preferences and turn off “Linear Time” setting… oh, wait… that might be in the next upgrade). As someone who knows you better than most, let me be the first to say, “I never thought you’d be able to do it.”
I mean, really. Fourteen months ago you were a f*cking mess. Feeling sorry for yourself. Constant aches and pains. Eating in the car, at your desk, standing over the sink. Eating, eating, eating.
Then one day you snapped out of it. I can’t even remember exactly what set you off, but you got your act together and I’m sure glad you did. I’m here to report that life is better than ever for your future self. Here’s the lowdown…
The good news: You have really lost a lot of weight.
The bad news: Some of those skinny pants you saved weren’t as fashionable as you thought.
The good news: You feel better than you have for years.
The bad news: You don’t have any excuse not to do all that work around the house anymore.
The good news: You’ve managed to keep the weight off.
The bad news: New Cell Scale technology makes your cell phone yell out your current weight every 20 minutes.
The good news: Paris Hilton got really, really fat.
The bad news: She gets drunk and posts obnoxious comments on your blog all the time.
The good news: You’re going to get a sweet new car this fall.
The bad news: Please wear your seat belt (especially on November 12th, January 24th, February 2nd and April 20th).
The good news: The economy finally got better.
The bad news: Gas is $7 a gallon.
The good news: Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit is still going strong.
The bad news: You ran out of good ideas 11 months ago.
Anyway, happy birthday Year-Ago Jack. Thanks a bunch for getting your sh*t together, buddy.
Sincerely,
Jack Sh*t
May 28, 2010
And congrats on your two month anniversary -- and HOW many pounds?
ReplyDeleteI've been a lurker for awhile, I'm really glad I came across your blog. I really like your humour ... keep at it!!
ReplyDeleteI always look forward to seeing what you've come up with, sir! I salute you! /salute
ReplyDeleteYour a funny guy! Thanks for the encouragement.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, hilarious! Especially the Paris Hilton part :) You've done such a great job on your weight loss so far and thanks for making us all laugh our way through it.
ReplyDeleteGREAT post...as always!
ReplyDelete:)
Good economy, gas $7/gallon...holy mutha. Paris Hilton fat...I would actually buy that tabloid.
ReplyDeleteOh and I see you joined the cool kid's club and turned off that annoying word verification. That alone would keep me coming back to your blog even if you lost all your humor (please don't lose that though, we all have to have some sort of "crack" in our lives).
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday!!! Loved your letter, especially the "wear seatbelt" days!
ReplyDeleteParis Hilton, or any Hollywood skinny bitch getting fat would actually signal the apocolypse, however, it is a wonderfully funny thought. Glad I found you, but even happier you found me!!
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday!
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping that all the 'good news' actually comes true for you. Well, except the Paris one. The girl would have to actually give up puking her food up to get fat and we know that's not happening.
HAPPY HAPPY SH*TY BIRTHDAY! :) hehe
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday!
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday, i love your blog and your unique sense of humour :)
ReplyDeleteHAPPY BIRTHDAY (a few hours late).
ReplyDeletelove the letter----totally made me laugh & I needed that this morning.
It's not that you ran out of good ideas, it's that Anita now has you fixing all the stuff around the house instead of spending all your time with us fat time-wasters.
ReplyDeleteHope it was the best birthday yet!! It will be so fun to see you recap this post next year! :-)
Happy birthday - looking forward to seeing next year's post with a letter to 2009 Jack.
ReplyDelete*cackles*
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday, Jack. But I'd really like to see the 13 year-old's letter to you. That would be worth some sh*ts n giggles.
Man I'm a few days late, how did I manage that? Happy Birthday Jack!!! Hope it was great!!!
ReplyDelete