Things You Never Want to Hear From the Doc

•  “Hey, Fatty.”
• “You’re still alive? Damn, I lost a bet.”
  
• “Bend back over. I think I lost my watch.”
  
• “Nurse, can you bring out the industrial scale?”
  
• “Well, maybe we can tie two paper gowns together.”
  
• “Turns out those ‘diet pills’ you ordered on the internet were really Mexican jumping beans.”
  
• “Your bloodwork doesn’t show anything troubling, but your cheesework indicates a lot of problems.”
  
• “No, we don’t normally see blood pressure gauges explode like that…”
  
•  “I’ve scheduled you a heart attack next Thursday.”
  
• “I’m gonna need you to scarf down as many chips and cupcakes as you can and… wake up, wake up. You’re dreaming…”
  
• “Can you move your head to the right and the left for me? Good, now can you do that anytime anyone offers you dessert?”
  
• “You’ll be fine as long as you quit eating everything you like.”
  
• “Your cholesterol… hmmmm, how should I best say this? It sucks.”
  
• “In medical terms, your glutius is very maximus.”
  
• “How do you feel about giving yourself shots and taking dozens of pills every day?”
  
• “Good news! I’m gonna make a lot of money on your case.”