Allow Me To Go Ahead and Improve Your Crappy Life

As a certified “Life Coach” (well, I suppose “self-certified” would be a more accurate description), it’s my job to help you improve your crappy life.

I've tried in the past to improve your crappy life and frankly, you’re either not paying attention or not blindly following my every instruction to the letter. As my mother used to say, “Shame on you, Jack! I won’t have you dressing up in my clothes and…” – well, let’s not bring my mom into this, okay?

Implement these simple-to-implement tips into your life and be prepared for great things to come your way! And if great things do happen to come your way, remember where you heard them! And if great things don’t happen to come your way, remember that you can’t always believe everything you read!

1. To save time, just dump entire can of fish food into aquarium at the start of each month; that’s what I always did until all my fish died of strange exploding intestines illness (which I hear is very common in goldfish).

2. Don’t let auto mechanics take advantage of you just because you don’t know everything there is to know about cars. Mine actually wanted to “rotate my tires” the last time I was in there. “They’re always rotating, dumbass,” I yelled at him. “How do you think I got here?”

3. Don’t immediately reject critiques from others, even if you don’t like or respect them. Sometimes people you don’t like may be giving you more honest feedback than you can get from others. Process the criticism, and then decide what positive action you might want to take. For example, that shirt you’re wearing today is hideous.

4. If you have a cluttered, out-of-control junk drawer, a fast and easy solution is to simply dump the entire contents into another drawer.

5. Got some old mushy bananas? Try going to the store and getting some new fresh bananas.

6. Before you send that devastatingly mean email, take a deep breath and make sure you’ve spelled all the obscenities correctly.

7. The meaning of your life is to find your gift; the purpose of your life is to give it away. Whoa… that one actually is a genuine life-improving tip. I know, I know. I’m as surprised as you are…

8. Have trouble remembering people’s names? Here’s a trick I use to solve that problem: just call everybody “buddy”. “Hey buddy, how’s it going?” “Good to see you again, buddy!” “Of course I remember your name, buddy!”

9. Never cook breakfast in bed; cook breakfast in kitchen, bring to bed.

10. Take a spontaneous road trip. Hey it worked for Thelma & Louise, didn’t it? (No, I’m asking… didn’t it? I feel asleep three-quarters of the way through …)

11. Looking for a reduce stress? Get a full-body massage while listening to soothing music played by musicians who are getting massaged as they play (plus, they’re listening to soothing music on headphones).

12. If you can’t afford a personal trainer, one trick I use is to dress in all black and pretend to be the shadow of person having session.

13. When working at the computer, stop at least once per hour stop and soak your eyes in a bucket of chilled vanilla pudding.

14. Don’t be afraid to ask for a little help, and don’t be surprised when I turn you down.

15. Try to put away a little cash each paycheck toward your six-month emergency gambling fund.

16. Wine is supposedly good for your heart, but c’mon… nobody’s heart needs to be THAT healthy…

17. Sometimes the solution to a problem can create another problem. For example, if you’re in a spelling bee and are presented a word in which you have no idea how to spell, whizzing in your pants right there on stage will get you out of your spelling predicament, but it’s a real hassle changing schools and everything, even though you may very well go on to become an excellent speller (did you catch that I correctly spelled “predicament”?).

18. Don’t have cupcakes for dinner, especially if you had them for breakfast and lunch.

19. Never be dull. Always be prepared to drop a subject when you start to bore people. Unless, that is, you’ve promised to do a list of tips for a blogging buddy and can’t think of a way out of it.

20. Don’t you ever, ever assume! When you “assume”, you make an “ass” out of yourself. Oh, did you assume I was going to say something else?

21. Presorting the family laundry can really make things easier for your housekeeper.

22. You can’t always get what you want. That’s right, you can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, that you forget about it, move on with your life and it ceases to bother you anymore.

23. Every day, make it a point to say “I love you” to your significant other, your children and your favorite blogger named “Jack”.