Kefir Madness – My Lifeway Protein Drink Review

This kefir's a keeper!

So, this person representing Lifeway products contacted me and asked if I wanted some free samples of their nonfat cultured-milk smoothie. Fortunately, they passed my two rules for reviewing products on this site: (1) they must be willing to send me products to review and (2)… okay, there’re no other rules. I’M NOT A BIG RULE GUY, OKAY?

It became clear that in order to produce an intelligent post about this product, I was going to have to crack down and do a little research.

“Anita,” I yelled at my wife in the other room. “What’s a kefir?”

“Kefir?” she called back.

“Yeah,” I replied. “And don’t say that guy in the 24 show that kills all the terrorists because I’m saving that in case I need to make this post more funny.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea to save that,” she said, rolling her eyes as she entered the room. “Kefir is a tart-tasting drink made from cow’s or sometimes goat’s milk.”

“Well, that doesn’t sound too bad except for the tart part,” I said, taking a big swig.

“Oh yeah,” she added. “And they add bacteria to it.”

After I spit it all out and rinsed my mouth out with Lysol, she explained to me the benefits of cultured food products like kefir. It turns out – you’re not going to believe this - that they contain beneficial microbes that aid the human digestive process.

You know,” remarked Anita. “One study showed that those who drank kefir noted at least 50 percent less flatulence, so I encourage to drink all you can hold down, Jack. Plus, it’s been shown to significantly help irritable bowel syndrome and promise in lowering cholesterol.”

Note to Lifeway: I'd shelf your line of Black Ice
popsicles you sent with the kefir; impressive that
they were still cold, but they taste awful!

“Well, did you know,” I shot back intelligently. “That with 20 grams of protein per serving, the new Lifeway Protein Kefir is a tasty, probiotic way to promote muscle recovery after a session at the gym, a game on the racquetball court, or any other vigorous exercise. The extra boost of protein also promotes satiety and thereby decreases appetite, making it a perfect "anytime" pick-me-up - with or without a workout - that helps control unhealthy snacking.”

“You’re going to just cut-and-paste that right from the web site, aren’t you?” she grimaced.

“Look, who’s writing this review, me or you?”

“Whatever,” she said, shaking her head. “Just don’t give it a million stars like you always…”

“I give Lifeway Protein Kefir ONE MILLION STARS!!!!!” I declared triumphantly.

“At least mention the flavors available,” she sighed.

“Vanilla, Salted Caramel, Banana and ummmmm… Tickleberry.”

“Tickleberry?”

“I think it was Tickleberry,” I frowned. “I didn’t hang on to that first bottle.”

Note: I was not paid for this review, which is probably the reason it is so poorly and hastily written. Lifeway products are available at stores. For more information, go to the Lifeway site at … ummmmm… look, can’t you just Google it for yourself. Oh fine, lazyass; here’s your freakin’ link, you baby.