Stress Relief Tips for the Incredibly Rich

• Screaming at your housekeeper fill you with anxiety? Hire a Personal Screamer to do it for you.

• Get a massage while listening to classical music being played by a string quartet where the musicians are each getting a massage while wearing earphones and listening to classical music.

• Have a cup of chamomillion tea.

• A simple balloon filled with diamonds makes an effective stress ball.

• Money problems got you worried? Considering a modest withdrawal from your trust fund.

• Kids driving you crazy? Give them $1,000 each to leave you alone for a couple of hours while you take a nap.

• They say that being active outdoors can reduce stress, so walk around your estate and check on how the gardeners are doing.

• Stressed out because you’re worried that you can’t take it all with you when you die? Well, what about a SOLID-GOLD COFFIN?

Happy Burpday!

More Cookbooks That Probably Shouldn't Be on Your Shelf

• The Wokking Dead Ultimate Zombie Cookbook

•  Sweet Dreams are Made of Cheese (Who Am I to Diss a Brie?)

• Healthier, Schmelthier!

• Shake, Shake, Shake - Cooking With Too Much Salt!

• It's About Time - 15-Minute Dinners Using Only Expired & Out-of-Date Ingredients

• Kenmore Cook More Cookbook - How to Turn Your Dryer into a Slow Cooker

• Rooting Tootin' Extra Gluten

• S'more Than Enough: 1,000 S'mores Recipes

• Recipes with So Much Butter Paula Deen Looked at Them and Said "Dayummmm!"

• Let's Go Crisco! - The Fry-That-Bitch-Up Cookbook

Orange is the New Jack

"Obesity can be a prison." 

That's the premise of the new show I'm pitching to the folks at Netflix.

It'll star some of the biggest names in  healthy living blogging...

Me, 'cuz I thought it up.

 Mamavation's Leah Segedie because she thinks I'm hee-larious.

 Brooklyn Fit Chick's Margo 'cuz she retweets me tweets so much.

Monica from Run Eat Repeat 'cuz... ummmm... just 'cuz she's a redhead.

 Healthy Tipping Point's Caitlin 'cuz she's too nice to sic her lawyers on me. Right? RIGHT?

 

 Carla 'cuz she makes everybody feel special.

 Priorfatgirl Jen 'cuz she's good people.

 Roni 'cuz maybe she won't get so mad when the diet pill companies steal this pic for their "before" pics. 

Yum Yucky's Josie 'cuz she be crazy funny.

Dr. Oz 'cuz he's rockin' that porn 'stache!

So... c'mon, Netflix - let's make this happen!

What I Learned from the Cute Baby Chicks...

Nothing!
I didn't learn anything
from the baby chicks.
Why does everything need
to be a life lesson anyway?
THEY'RE JUST CUTE
BABY CHICKS!

Maybe... Just Maybe... I'm Not Trying As Hard As I Should

• Lately, I’ve been spending more on wine than on my mortgage.

• Little old lady at the gym asked to use barbells when I was done with them.

• My latest weight-loss manifesto included eleven references to Pop-Tarts.

• I ran a half- half- half- half- half- half- half-marathon. 

• Instead of using scale, have started “guesstimating” my weight.

• Replaced 100 nightly sit-ups with trying to stuff 100 Oreo’s in mouth at one time.

• I’ve worn out my Lazy-Boy recliner.

• Last month, watched entire Netflix library.

• Yesterday, I counted watching a Bowflex commercial as my daily workout.

• Thought I was eating fat-free Greek yogurt, but turns out it was Ben & Jerry’s Chubby Hubby. 

• Starting driving down to end of driveway to get the morning paper.

• Daily journal just reads: “Blah blah blah blah blah.”

• Counted can of vanilla frosting as a serving of fruit.

• I’m bench-pressing same amount as my friend One-Armed Johnny.

It’s Time to Lose Weight or Diet Trying

Honesty time: I often give a half-ass effort with my weight-loss endeavors.

Surprisingly, this leads to even wholer-ass results.

I don't know how it goes for you, but I seem to either be in a be-good groove or a be-bad one.

When I'm good, I look at every bite as an opportunity to fuel my engine for another fat-burning frenzy.

When I'm bad, I take an amnesia-tic mindset:  What? Huh? Who me? Chips are high in salt and fat?

There are folks out there (and I envy them) who can surf the healthy-living waves with sure feet and precise balance.

Me? I do it with arms flailing and my piggies all over the board.

Do I wish it were easier?

Of course.

Do I need to do better?

Of course.

Can I do this?

Lord, I hope so…

No, wait…. I’d like to change my answer.

OH, HEALTH YEAH!

My Scale is Broken

Well, not exactly broken.

It’s just not showing my weight.

It’s probably not really broken.

Well, it could be broken, I guess.

There’s no way to know for sure.

Unless I stood on it.

And that ain’t happening this week.

Not after my trip to Chicago.

Good news: I didn’t have deep dish pizza.

Bad news: I didn’t know there
was such a thing as deepest dish pizza.

Pray for me.

Weight Loss Tips for the Incredibly Rich

• Instead of lard, try cooking with Lambda Ultra Premium Extra Virgin Olive Oil, made from hand-harvested, cold-pressed Koroneiki olives and packaged  in a hand-crafted case with two 18k gold plates—one of which, along with the bottle, bears the owner’s name (a bargain at only $14,698).

• Start each morning with a 5K run along your private beach.

• Give yourself $10,000 each time you meet a weight-loss goal.

• Even though it looks pretty, don’t glue a bunch of diamonds on your scale; they hurt to stand on and will add a small amount of weight to your total.

• Limo yoga is a excellent way to combine exercise and running errands.

• You can make your diet more low-fat by asking your personal chef to cook more low-fat dishes, dumbass. 

• Stress can make you overeat, so bring in a classical quartet to play soothing music while you dine.

• Hire Morgan Freeman to call you up each day and read my blog to you.

What the Puck? (A Midsummer Night's Blog Post)

If my blog posts have offended,

Just know that’s not what I intended,

I am simply bloggin’ here

To make my huge gut disappear.

With exercise and less ice cream,

No forfeiting this fitness dream,

Gentles, my fat rear end
If I work hard, I’ll one day mend.
And, as I am an honest Jack,

And seem to have my mojo back

Time to 'scape junk food’s embrace,

And keep on running this endless race;

Else the Jack a dumbass call;

So, good night unto you all.

Give me comments, if we be friends,

And Jack shan’t butcher the Bard again.

Shine On!

This little diet I’m on,

It’s just barely begun.

This little diet I’m on,

I’m gonna lose a ton

This little diet I’m on,

Can’t eat a honey bun.

Honey bun.

Honey bun.

Honey bun.

Eat a whole buncha broccoli? Yeah!

That’s sure on my diet.

How about some brussel sprouts? Yeah.

I’m sure that’ll be all right.

What about some fondue? No!

That’s why my pants’re too tight.

Pants too tight.

Pants too tight.

Pants too tight.

This little diet of mine,

I’m hungry all the time.

This little diet of mine,

Waistline on the decline.

This little diet of mine,

Hey, I’m feeling fine.

Feelin’ fine.

Feelin’ fine.

Feelin’ fine.

Not gonna snack around all day,

And eat as much as a horse.

Not gonna veg out and watch TV

(Except Thursday nights, of course).

Not gonna settle for less than my best,

Gonna be a tour de force.

Tour de force.

Tour de force.

Tour de force.
 

This little diet I do,

Just watching what I chew.

This little diet I do,

Got me feeling brand new.

This little diet I do,

You can do it, too.

Do it, too.

Do it, too.

Do it, too.

Healthy Gifts for Mother’s Day

• Bouquet of prunes

• Gift certificate for free spotting as she bench presses 200 lbs. 

• Low-fat perfume

• Running slippers

• Lap dance from Richard “Sweatin’ to the Oldies” Simmons

• Candle that smells like gym bag

•  Bottle of diet wine

• Squash-of-the-Month Club membership

•  Yoga mumu

•  New scale (trust me…. Mothers love this gift)

•  Low-sodium bath salts

•  T-shirt that says “ASK ME ABOUT MY SON’S BLOG”

Health Tips for New Moms

• Don't shake your newborn baby even though it's an awesome arm workout.

• Yes, breast feeding burns 500 calories per day, but that's no reason to go to the daycare center and try to nurse all the babies.

• You can convert any stroller into a running stroller by pushing it as you run, dumbass.

• Find little pockets of time to exercise during the day, such as in the middle of your infant's 30-second afternoon nap.

• If you're going to toss your baby up in the air, watch out for ceiling fans.

•Don't ever give your infant a baby bottle full of Mountain Dew; make it half tap water, half Mountain Dew.

• If you have a solid plan, there's no reason you can't lose that baby weight before your child graduates from college.

• Never use a newborn infant as a yoga mat.

• Some employers frown on you using maternity leave from fake pregnancy to train for upcoming half-marathon.

• Don't ever, and I mean ever, take advice from a guy giving advice for new moms.

Riddle Me This, Fatman...

There’s this horse, see?

He’s tied to a 20-ft rope.

Are you still with me?

The horse is terribly thirsty and wants to get some water.

Here’s the problem:  the water is 30 feet away.

So what happens? 

The horse gets the water easily.

How is this?

Think about it for a half-second, then scroll down and get the answer.

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

••••••••••••••••••••••••

••••••••••••••••••

••••••••••••

•••••••

•

So...

How’d the horse get the water?

The other end of the rope isn’t tied to anything.

You know what’s stopping on on our healthy living quest?

Nothing.

Now let’s stop horsing around!

Movin’, Groovin’, Improvin’

Am I doing better with my healthy living quest?

Does a bear crap in the woods?

Does the Pope?

Does a one-legged duck swim in circles?

Does Dolly Parton sleep on her back?

Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?

Do cannibals refrain from eating clowns because they taste funny?

Is a book about failure that doesn’t sell considered a success?

Are coffee drinks at Starbucks unreasonably overpriced?

Is James Brown?

Is Helen Ready?

If you answered “yes” to the majority of those questions, you’d know how my week went…

THE WEEKLY PHYSIQUELY

Weight when I first started blogging: 291.5 lbs.

Last weigh-in: 258.3

Current weight: 257.2

Loss: 1.1 lbs.

Total loss since start of new year: 12.8 lbs.

Goal for coming week: Stay back on track, Jack.

Lettuce Pray

Our Fennel

Who art jicama,  

Horseradish, nectarine.

Thy kohlrabi come,

Thy kale be done,

Uncooked as in salad.

Give us this daikon 

Our daily veg.

And give us our tangerines,

As we get all to try peas with us.

Lead us all into tomatoes,

(But deliver us from eggplant)

For thine is the cabbage,

The pepper and the garlic,

For endive and ever.

Onion.