It’s still in the R&D phase, but I’m pretty proud of the features on the new scale I’m designing…
• Has two settings: “Real” and “In Case Anyone Else Is Looking…”
• Foot warmers…. aaahhhh, this feels really nice and… OUCH, OUCH, OUCH, OUCH!!!!
• Buzzing noise that drowns out that maniacal laugh you hear inside your head every time you step on a scale.
• Shoots out fireworks if you register a loss.
• Wifi that automatically sends your weigh-in information to your computer’s trash can.
• Ejector button remote that you can use to hurl a robber into the ceiling if he breaks into your house while you’re there and decides to weigh himself.
• Automatic excuse generator: (“Read that muscle weighs more than fat so I must have somehow grown a bunch of new muscles”, “Blinded by fridge light, I accidentally ate a cheesecake,” “Nobody told me they would be serving wedding cake at that wedding,” etc.)
• Programmed with just a teensy, weensy bit of forgiveness and compassion.
• Built-in cupholders.
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