What the Doctor Told Me...

What I heard the doctor say:

“You, sir, a medical marvel!

“From looking at your MRI, it appears that there is a team of hard-working gremlins repairing your slightly torn rotator cuff at amazingly amazing speed.

“When I took my sons to see that new Star Trek movie where (spoiler alert) that captain guy dies but is brought back to life by the villain’s magically recuperative blood, I told them that–unfortunately–the real world doesn’t work like that.

“And now… now I have to go back to them and admit that their father is a bald-faced liar because I’m fairly positive that your blood contains those same regenerative properties. We’ve taken a vial of it and locked it away in case anything ever happens to the President.

"Again, and I don’t think I can stress this strongly enough:  you are a walking, talking miracle, a infinitely phenomenal phenomenon. God bless you and keep you all the days of your life!”

What the doctor actually said:

“I’ve got a worse tear in my underwear. Get out of here, ya big puss.”