Top Health Tips for Tip-Top Health... Tips!

• Eat until you are eight-tenths full instead of until you’re ten-eighths full.

• Chewing sugarless gum is a better way to keep your mouth busy than snacking or getting into an obscenity-filled argument with your neighbor.

• You can add more fruits and vegetables to your diet by eating more fruits and vegetables, dumbass.

• According to some research, catching a whiff of Rosemary may increase alertness and improve memory (of course, Rosemary may slap you if she catches sniffing her, but getting slapped increases alertness, too!)

• Brushing your teeth right after dinner is a good way to tell your brain that you’re done eating for the evening, unless you brush your teeth with frosting.

• To get more fiber in your diet, consider eating a pound of fiber.

• Remember, the “elevator” is an “evil-ator”… no wait… that’s stupid. Don’t waste your time remembering that. My bad!

• You can tame a tension headache by rubbing peppermint oil into your temples and then screaming until blood pours down your nose.

• Instead of stopping at Starbucks and getting yourself a coffee in the morning, how about stopping at Starbucks, getting me a coffee and dropping it off by my office? Thanks!