The Emperor’s New Pants

With apologies to Hans Christian Andersen

Long ago, there lived an emperor, who was… well, let’s just say he made Henry the Eighth look like Sammy the Skinny Serf. When Shakespeare said “heavy is the head that wears the crown,” this was the guy he was probably talking about.

Anyway, even though he was morbidly obese, he always took great pains to dress impeccably. In fact, there were only two things the emperor really liked: clothes and macaroni and cheese (well, technically that’s three things).

He didn’t care for his soldiers, and the theatre did not amuse him; the only thing, in fact, he thought anything of was to hit the drive-thru window of the kingdom’s fast food joints and go shopping for new duds at Ye Olde Big & Tall Emporium. He had a coat for every hour of the day, and even a special coat that he wore to the… ummmm… when he was going to the “throne” room.

One day a man named Charlie Ton came to this city. This guy made people believe that he was a mighty weight-loss wizard, and declared he could help anyone in the kingdom lose weight without diet or exercise. Though they were ignorant peasants, most of the inhabitants of the land were too smart to be taken in by the conniving con man.

However, losing weight without diet or exercise sounded pretty much okey-dokey to the emperor, so he granted an audience to the scurrilous scammer.

“What is it?” asked the emperor hungrily. “Adkins? South Beach? Please tell me that I do NOT have to have someone count points for me…”

“No, sire,” replied the smiling Charlie. “You just don these magic pants and you can eat whatever it is thy heart doth desire.”

The emperor was obliviously happy and took the magic trousers. He had his attendants disrobe him and he slipped on the new pants.

“Check it out!” he said, admiring himself in his royal mirror. “They feel great! And they even have a drawbridge.”

“Do you mean a ‘drawstring,’ my liege?” asked his head attendant.

After the beheading, the new head attendant commented on the emperor’s attire: “My, those pants for stylin’, forsooth! How’s that drawbridge feel?”

“Fantastic,” laughed the emperor. “Now let’s go get our buffet on!”

A month went by and the emperor never took off his magic pants, but he did have to loosen the draw… the drawbridge once or twice.

Then one day, while out serving as official starter for the Annual King Spring Fling 5K run, a young boy pointed at him and scoffed.

“Ha! The emperor’s wearing sweat pants in public! He’s given up!”

Sadly, the emperor realized that the young lad was correct. That night, he started a new diet, began a strenuous exercise program and launched his own blog: “Losing Weight… My Crowning Achievement”.

- The End -